If you aren't sexually attracted to your husband...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never been sexually attracted to my husband. I spent 7 years with the hottest man on the planet with amazing sex, but he didn't want kids or to settle down. It killed me to end it. I dated along and then found my husband, who was an old friend from college. He is literally the best guy I've ever known. Completely kind, devoted, funny, the whole package - except he's kind of fat and hairy and just not "it" for me. He's not ugly, just not attractive. And he's not great in bed.

We've figured it out. He gets me to orgasm with his hand, we have sex for 5-10 min, and it's over. Then the rest of the time, he's an unbelievable father and partner and gets along great with all of our neighbor guys. It's a perfect life other than the sex. And that he doesn't make enough money. But for me, it's worth the trade off.

I try not to think about drinking wine naked with my professional athlete ex.

Change a few details and this could be me. Except right when "friend" changed to "lover" I had been out of a relationship for ages. Looking back I can see that desperation for intimacy and sheer sexual frustration overrode sexual incompatibilities that have magnified over time. I wonder a lot how I could have made such a fundamental mistake--it's sort of like a dream. And as his long-time friend, I hate that he has to be married to me instead of someone who would appreciate him sexually.

Do your DH's have any idea that this is how you felt about them when you got married? It seems like a pretty significant thing not to have discussed with them. I certainly would not have married my DW if she had told me something like this in advance, and it seems pretty unfair to condemn such good guys to mediocre sex for life without giving them a chance to make their own decision about it.

No, mine doesn't. Because at the time I wasn't feeling this way, I was hot for him. It's only looking back that I can see more clearly what was going on. I wouldn't have married him and wouldn't have expected him to marry me knowing what I know now. To be fair, he was also in a different frame of mind otherwise he might have seen it as well. In any event, as I said, I know it's totally unfair to condemn him to less sex than he wants (it's not so much that it's mediocre for him as much as it's 1x/week max) but does have the ability to make a decision about it himself. I have to figure out how to rekindle some kind of passion or I'm sure one day he will.

[Anonymous]

I think going back to finish your education may be a solid goal for the upcoming year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never been sexually attracted to my husband. I spent 7 years with the hottest man on the planet with amazing sex, but he didn't want kids or to settle down. It killed me to end it. I dated along and then found my husband, who was an old friend from college. He is literally the best guy I've ever known. Completely kind, devoted, funny, the whole package - except he's kind of fat and hairy and just not "it" for me. He's not ugly, just not attractive. And he's not great in bed.

We've figured it out. He gets me to orgasm with his hand, we have sex for 5-10 min, and it's over. Then the rest of the time, he's an unbelievable father and partner and gets along great with all of our neighbor guys. It's a perfect life other than the sex. And that he doesn't make enough money. But for me, it's worth the trade off.

I try not to think about drinking wine naked with my professional athlete ex.

Change a few details and this could be me. Except right when "friend" changed to "lover" I had been out of a relationship for ages. Looking back I can see that desperation for intimacy and sheer sexual frustration overrode sexual incompatibilities that have magnified over time. I wonder a lot how I could have made such a fundamental mistake--it's sort of like a dream. And as his long-time friend, I hate that he has to be married to me instead of someone who would appreciate him sexually.

Do your DH's have any idea that this is how you felt about them when you got married? It seems like a pretty significant thing not to have discussed with them. I certainly would not have married my DW if she had told me something like this in advance, and it seems pretty unfair to condemn such good guys to mediocre sex for life without giving them a chance to make their own decision about it.

No, mine doesn't. Because at the time I wasn't feeling this way, I was hot for him. It's only looking back that I can see more clearly what was going on. I wouldn't have married him and wouldn't have expected him to marry me knowing what I know now. To be fair, he was also in a different frame of mind otherwise he might have seen it as well. In any event, as I said, I know it's totally unfair to condemn him to less sex than he wants (it's not so much that it's mediocre for him as much as it's 1x/week max) but does have the ability to make a decision about it himself. I have to figure out how to rekindle some kind of passion or I'm sure one day he will.

It may be more mediocre to him than you think, it is pretty easy to tell when your DW is just going through the motions and views sex as a chore. A tough issue.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I'm sure you're right. Sucks.

For both of you, and you have my sympathies. Sometimes I suspect I am on the other side of precisely this type of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just might get lucky and run into me some day. I'll be the woman who seems very serious and professional at first, but unwinds and starts flirting pretty quickly over a glass of wine if I think you are hot.

* fingers crossed *

How will I know it is you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just might get lucky and run into me some day. I'll be the woman who seems very serious and professional at first, but unwinds and starts flirting pretty quickly over a glass of wine if I think you are hot.

* fingers crossed *

How will I know it is you?

Brunette, brown eyes. The way I lick my finger and trace the top of my wine glass. My sly smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it's totally lack of interest in any sex. I guess it's hormones, but I don't feel any interest in other men, women, or even want to masturbate.
To be honest it really sucks. I asked my gyn and he just said yeah it's really common. Wow. Thanks for your help buddy

ditto. If I never had sex again that would be fine with me. I guess I could be called "asexual"

+1. If only DH didnt still want it, i'd be totally happy never having sex again - and actually enjoying cuddling, massages, etc. mch more not thinking about how he's angling for something in return

+ 1000000

lol....i have been married 8 years..have a 4 yr old...i just dont want to have sex with him..i dont find him sexually attractive anymore....we both hit the gym everyday and have very good toned bodies...i have zero chemistry for him..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:* gulp *

[Anonymous]

This has been a very illuminating and sometimes painful thread. But, I'm honestly trying to figure out why so many PPs equate muscles and gym time and being "toned" with long-term sexual satisfaction. Yes, of course I get what chiseled bods have to do with salivating over a Times Square ad. I'm susceptible too.

But it strikes me as a little .... emotionally stunted to include that factor in discussions of decades-long marriages. Or sexual --intimacy--

[Anonymous]

The best lover I had was average looking and even breathed through his mouth. But man, his technique! And he made it so easy for me to tell him exactly what I wanted. I ended up wanting things with him I never even knew I wanted. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:* gulp *

WHAT???!?!?!?!

[Anonymous]

You understand me. Mr. *gulp* , I'm just that kind of devilish fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You understand me. Mr. *gulp* , I'm just that kind of devilish fun.

I am all ears.

[Anonymous]

I was hoping you might be all lips, tongue and fingers....