If you aren't sexually attracted to your husband...

[Anonymous]

...or don't enjoy sex with him, why did you marry him? Was it because he met all other criteria for a good husband and partner? I'm truly not asking to be snarky - I am truly curious after reading so many posts about womenwho married wonderful men who they love but don't want to sleep with.

[Anonymous]

Sex is not just about sex. It's about intimacy. Those first few years sex is easy. Then after a few years you start slowly building up resentments and everything outside of the bedroom affects the bedroom. If you don't deepen that bond and keep evolving together sex can become problematic. And it's hard to do that once careers advance, you have kids, throw in some job lay offs, financial stuff, extended family issues, day to day life.

I never not wanted to have sex with my husband, as in I never dreaded it or withheld, but I stopped initiating at some point and then he did. Boom: sexless marriage. Which fuels secrecy and resentment further. We are in marriage counseling so we will see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Show me the money.

[Anonymous]

Well, I was attracted to him once. But now it's 20 years later, he's 40 pounds heavier, has lost his hair, and there have been years of resentment, disappointment, and anger. Is it really that hard to understand why after many years, changes, and stresses a lot of people don't have a burning desire to have sex with their spouses? I think it's pretty common and understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I was attracted to him once. But now it's 20 years later, he's 40 pounds heavier, has lost his hair, and there have been years of resentment, disappointment, and anger. Is it really that hard to understand why after many years, changes, and stresses a lot of people don't have a burning desire to have sex with their spouses? I think it's pretty common and understandable.

+1. Marriage is LONG. I think women who don't want to have sex with heir husbands initially wanted to and they did for the first few years of marriage, but then things changed over the course of time. People change, circumstances change...etc. Life is not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I was attracted to him once. But now it's 20 years later, he's 40 pounds heavier, has lost his hair, and there have been years of resentment, disappointment, and anger. Is it really that hard to understand why after many years, changes, and stresses a lot of people don't have a burning desire to have sex with their spouses? I think it's pretty common and understandable.

im sure you look the same as you did 20 years ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I was attracted to him once. But now it's 20 years later, he's 40 pounds heavier, has lost his hair, and there have been years of resentment, disappointment, and anger. Is it really that hard to understand why after many years, changes, and stresses a lot of people don't have a burning desire to have sex with their spouses? I think it's pretty common and understandable.

im sure you look the same as you did 20 years ago

No need to be bitchy, there's overwhelming evidence on these boards that men stop being interested in their wives.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to have more sex with my DH, but we don't have it as often as I'd like. DH is very stressed about his job, and I'm going through perimenopause, so I'm moody and hot flashy, and generally unhappy, certainly not feeling sexy. I'm not sure how people maintain great sexual relationships for 20 years or more. I really wish I knew. I know it's about intimacy, and maybe we've grown apart, but we have teenagers, and that can take the romance out of anything, no everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I was attracted to him once. But now it's 20 years later, he's 40 pounds heavier, has lost his hair, and there have been years of resentment, disappointment, and anger. Is it really that hard to understand why after many years, changes, and stresses a lot of people don't have a burning desire to have sex with their spouses? I think it's pretty common and understandable.

OP here. I totally understand this. I was referring more to couples who haven't been together as long. I read a lot of posts on this board about couples who have been together a relatively short time and are in this situation. But you are reminding me that it's never a simple answer.

[Anonymous]

For me it's totally lack of interest in any sex. I guess it's hormones, but I don't feel any interest in other men, women, or even want to masturbate.
To be honest it really sucks. I asked my gyn and he just said yeah it's really common. Wow. Thanks for your help buddy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it's totally lack of interest in any sex. I guess it's hormones, but I don't feel any interest in other men, women, or even want to masturbate.
To be honest it really sucks. I asked my gyn and he just said yeah it's really common. Wow. Thanks for your help buddy

Me, too, but I haven't ask my gyn yet. When the gyn said, "really common", was he referring to many women not wanting sex or was he referring to the age range at which women are no longer very interested in sex? Just curious. I need to make an appointment...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not just about sex. It's about intimacy. Those first few years sex is easy. Then after a few years you start slowly building up resentments and everything outside of the bedroom affects the bedroom. If you don't deepen that bond and keep evolving together sex can become problematic. And it's hard to do that once careers advance, you have kids, throw in some job lay offs, financial stuff, extended family issues, day to day life.

I never not wanted to have sex with my husband, as in I never dreaded it or withheld, but I stopped initiating at some point and then he did. Boom: sexless marriage. Which fuels secrecy and resentment further. We are in marriage counseling so we will see what happens.

This could be me. We had started marriage counseling a couple of years ago, but life was so damn busy we couldn't continue. Now, after another lay off, there is no money and as DH has never shown interest in counseling, Im not pushing at this point. How do you think counseling has helped thus far?

[Anonymous]

I did enjoy sex with DH when dating and early marriage, but he was never my favorite. I showed him what I liked, or "directed" him, etc. But he didn't retain this knowledge and he continued to perform as he thought he should..not necessarily what I told him i liked. So, no fun anymore....

[Anonymous]

Use it or lose it. I follow the once a week minimum rule whether I'm in the mood or not. Does absolute wonders for our marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did enjoy sex with DH when dating and early marriage, but he was never my favorite. I showed him what I liked, or "directed" him, etc. But he didn't retain this knowledge and he continued to perform as he thought he should..not necessarily what I told him i liked. So, no fun anymore....

+1 - I was in a LTR relationship like this. The fact that we never gelled sexually was a major contributing factor in the break-up. Towards the end of the relationship I found his stash and realized that we just had totally different tastes and interests in this area. Plus, he gave up taking care of himself. I didn't need him to look like the pool boy but hair sprouting out of his ears that he refused to trim was too much.