Need some advice about dealing with 17yo tyrant
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I think your focus should be on giving maximum support, encouragement, tutoring, bribery, whatever it takes to get him to finish high school next year. I wouldn't kick an 18-year-old out of the house or make them pay rent if they were still in high school. Aren't most kids 18 before they graduate? Then when he is an almost-19-year-old with a high school diploma, your job as parents is done. Charge him rent, let him join the army, or just tell him that he has 6 months to find his own place to live -- and if he is really that obnoxious, no one will judge you. |
Anonymous
| Yeah bribing this kid is a great idea. Seriously people. |
Anonymous
|
Why all this focus on the military solution? I'm a military brat with several brothers and sisters, parents felt military was the cure for any disorderly conduct and now in their 40's and 50's they never believed they could do anything else but what others told them to do. Sending a young adult off to the military while they are too confused to understand what on the world they are being programmed to "fight for" is not always a good solution. It takes maturity and empathy to want to be an adult in the military, and an understanding of why they want to submit to provide cover to the US government (or any government). In fact, the truth of the actions they are forced to learn may backfire creating more emotional questioning and instability than ever before. Suicide, psychosis, all kinds of great things could be a result of just being drilled into a program that makes no sense.
Isn't it time we force our delinquents to serve OTHERS rather than mindless military maneuvers? Put them in the Peace Corps, or send them to rebuild homes devastated by hurricanes and climate change, or in a homeless shelter to work and learn. The time has come to quit feeding the military industrial complex our young and confused and time to send the young and confused to the real world where they actually may find giving to others and to our world is their salvation. And I don't mean in a religious sense, I mean in a sense that feeds their souls. It take most of us brilliant grown ups our whole lives before we discover this truth, why hinder our lost souls with American un-exceptionalism. PS A medical condition may necessitate a proper diagnosis and pharmaceutical remedy, don't rule that out. |
Anonymous
|
Look, I was a straight-A student but after I graduated high school, I was going to have to pay rent if I lived at home.
But your son isn't doing well at home or school. I'd lay out clear expectations and consequences in a written document and have him sign a 'contract' with you. He is clearly intelligent, so approach him like an adult. (I mean, you're lawyers, so this should be pretty easy  )
'Option A: In the next 6 months, if you (take classes and maintain a passing average), we will let you stay in our home and on our health insurance provided you are responsible for the following: (list chores). You must attend at least 2 sessions a month with a psychiatrist. If you do not maintain your grades or your household responsibilities, or you are verbally or physically abusive to any family member, you will be given a 30 day notice to move out.' 'Option B: If you choose to work and not complete your degree, you will have to move out by (provide date). You will be given a one-time stipend of $5000 for downpayment on an apt, furniture, etc. No additional money will be given to you and we will not cosign any loans or credit card applications. You will be allowed to remain on our health insurance as long as you are not convicted of a crime.' You get the idea. Don't get personal or respond if he gets angry. Definitely engage in negotiations if he takes it seriously and wants you to consider a slight change to an arrangement. If he refuses to sign and agree on terms, then he has to move out by X date. |
Anonymous
|
OP - It does sound that over time you and your husband have explored all options on treatment and on support of your son. I take it he does not drive and probably best given his mental health issues and possible drug/alcohol use in terms of your liability. Looking at things as they are with his track record, I would say that the time has passed on having him get a high school diploma at his local high school. Possibly and only possibly it might be a strategic time to have what is called a "Transition Planning" focused conversation about what he will be doing at age 18 and what you and your husband are willing to do in terms of support here on out: 1- EDUCATION: Since he does not like high school and you agree it is not a good setting for him, then he can go to the XXXX GED program even part-time to complete his high school equivalency. **You will have in a folder a packet and application form for him to complete. 2- EMPLOYMENT: Since he is not ready for does he seem to have the maturity to go to college, he needs to find a part-time job which will be quite doable with a part-time GED program. You will expect for him to give you 1/3 of what he earns for rent, food, utilities. It is called contributing one's "Fair Share" of basic housing costs. ( My youngest daughter with Down syndrome does this based even on her disability checks) 3- HOUSING: You will no longer "verbally" set the House Rules. Rather you will present him with a contract based upon what you believe is fair in terms of what you will provide, what you expect of him and what will be grounds to end housing contract. It will include the fee structure. It is very appropriate given his track record to say that he must be in at least a part-time GED program, have a part-time job etc. **A Housing Contract will help keep the discussion of continuing to live in your home less away from "his impact" on the younger siblings, but as you realize it is very important for them to see that you two are united not letting this kid rule the roost. 4- HEALTH CARE: I would continue to pay for health insurance which is available to him through age 26 and even three years afterwards with COBRA in the hopes that he will take advantage of the psychiatric services and learn to see the beneficial aspects of medication. However, this need not be pointed out, but rather just a basic core thing you will do as a parent. And note the yearly cost of this benefit. 5- AUTO INSURANCE: It is not clear if he knows how to drive or not or has a license, but I can see why it may be best that he does not. However, you could let him know that if he obtains his GED, gets and maintains at least a part-time job, you would cover this for so long. This might be very important to have for him in case he might now or in the future drive other's cars. In fact if this is the case, I would recommend just doing so. Again let him know the cost of this potential benefit. 6- USED AUTO or APARTMENT DEPOSIT AND ? MONTHS RENT: If either of these items might be a future goal of interest for him and for you all to see him work towards then put this forward with definite stipulations on what must be achieved. The goal might be either to help him have a means of transportation to by then a full-time job, a part-time job and community college classses or possibly a full-time community college program (best to see if he can do it first from a home base). OR to give him financial support to move out of the home if goals have been met on the GED and part-time job so the next step is greater independence, but still unsure of what it will be. In this case, he could possibly help define what the longer range goals of #6 and #7 might be. 7- COLLEGE OR TECHNICAL TRAINING PROGRAM SUPPORT: In the "Transition" discussion, you can as you feel you are able to or care to given all the previous support and the soon college costs of your other two children to indicate what kind and level of support you might be willing to provide him as he defines a specific job training needed or educational goals related to a career path. Now these are all basically positive options that I am sure in one way or another you have mentioned to him or he just assumes you will be there to provide. BUT now you will also include in the "Transition Packet" the name of the organization or service, the address, the phone/email contact and a brochure on such things as: 1- EMPLOYMENT - The local Jobs Center where one can get FREE advice on finding a job AND also will most likely be told to get a GED. 2- HOUSING - The local office on housing and/or housing shelters for those who have no place to sleep - even a car. 3- FOOD - The local centers which provide FREE daily meals and/or places where one can pick up FREE bags of food if they are hungry an how often. 4- DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL SERVICES - The local office where one can go to see if one qualifies for Food Stamps - now called SNAP program and guidance to other resources. 5- FREE CLINIC(S) - The local centers where one can obtain FREE health care if one does not have family insurance coverage or a job. 6- MENTAL HEALTH DEPARTMENT - The local center/agency that deals with adults with mental illness in terms of counseling, crisis management and referral to serve at least as a starting point for him on adult services. 7- LEGAL Aide - Or whatever it is called that would represent one if one got into legal trouble after age 18 as you will not be doing so. It would be my hope in changing the conversation direction from what you will continue to do for him, if he does this and that, to a discussion planning session on various topics or questions with two sides simply being share of what can be available as a family member and what is out there in the community for him - if he chooses not to be a part of your family.......And then stick to it, including changing the locks to the house. Our closest friends have a 33 year old son - who never moved beyond the age of 16, and who has been into drugs, tatoos, piercings, jail time for misdemeanors, etc. etc. for half his life. He has not worked in six years at all, and they have continued to pay his bills such that it almost equals a private college tuition. Now the son is back in the house having no where to go - once again wrecked up a used car, no license, no GED nor desire to work on it and my gosh no desire to get a job (very hard now given his appearance) AND they still are not on solid ground about just setting boundaries for either or..... And these are two very, very good, caring and intelligent parents. But in essence he has taken them down almost financially. It is best to start now to not enable him on the road to disaster......and to know that you have done what you can. |
Anonymous
| Read "The Explosive Child" - I'm using it to deal with my 7.5 year old son, who has frequent outbursts, and I think it's got good advice on a "cooperative problem solving" approach for kids who have issues handling frustration (most of which also have ADD). The first step it recommends is real, non-judgmental empathy: "I've noticed you're not taking your meds any more. What's up?" He may have a real concern (like they cause side effects) that you can work through together. If you really feel he doesn't want to solve problems and is doing all of this to manipulate you (rather than acting in frustration because he hasn't figured out how to cope), then this book probably won't work, but it's worth a try. |
Anonymous
I have not read through the rest of this thread, but I wanted to jump in here and say I am so sorry you are going through this with your DS, OP. It sounds like a heartbreaking struggle, and you sound exhausted. I worried I would end up where you are when my DS was five years old. He was a total terror and neither DH nor I could control him. Fast forward a decade, and he's a nice kid, doing well in school, into sports, a few friends, overall doing pretty well. It may be too late for your DS, OP, but what we did with our DS was take him to non-traditional doctors and change his diet. He's been on dozens of nutritional supplements for years and now eats a really, really healthy diet (no sugar, no processed foods, mostly organic, lean protein, lots of fruits and vegetables). It sounds simplistic, but it's actually very complicated. He also has extreme allergies and sensitivities to chemicals and things like dust, pollen and mold, which we dealt with as well. If my son eats sugar, he gets agitated, and I notice it immediately. I suspect your DS does not feel well, and has not felt well for years. I'm certain that was the problem with our DS, and making all these nutritional changes over the years (believe me, it took years!) has made him feel physically better. I would never in a gazillion years send my child to boarding school, even though I wanted to -- desperately -- when he was younger. He was impossible to manage, nearly pushed me to a nervous breakdown. Fortunately, I have other children who are "typical," and who were developing normally (as normal as possible with an unmanageable sibling in the same house), so I knew it wasn't my parenting that was causing my child's issues. But the dietary changes and supplements made immediate, albeit small, changes in our child, and we kept building on those small, but noticeable successes. I am a SAHM, so I've had time to study my DS. It's been my job for the past decade. I am always watching him, always on the lookout, always helping him make adjustments that enable him to live a pretty normal life. This may not be possible for you either, but I'm passing on my experience in the hope that even a tiny portion of it may make a difference in your son's life. Throwing your son out of the house may be the best solution in your son's case, OP, but it sounds so extreme, and so painful. If you do that, you must make offers to your child, e.g. he can come back if he does XYZ. I'm very against medication, but perhaps medication could put your child on the right track while giving him time to straighten out other issues. The military might work for a while, but don't forget that after the military comes the real world, and your DS has to learn to cope with that. Don't neglect diet, as ridiculously simple as it sounds. It made (and makes) all the difference to my DS, and he's doing fine. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
I hope things are going better for you and your family. To those who advocate evicting a child at age 18, how actually does that work? Do you give them money for an apartment until they get their feet on the ground? How do they pay for food, transportation, health care? How can an 18 year old go from being totally dependent to completely independent? I am asking in all sincerity! I'm just trying to visulaize how that would work. |
Anonymous
| PP, there are shelters, soup kitchens, free clinics, they get a job, ride the bus. Not easy but sometimes that is what it takes for them to hit bottom and make a change in their attitude and life. |
Anonymous
| also, they can do what my son did when we had to kick him out - sleep on friends floors or sofas. |