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[quote=Anonymous]

OP - It does sound  that over time you and your husband have explored all options on treatment and on support of your son.  I take it he does not drive and probably best given his mental health issues and possible drug/alcohol use in terms of your liability.  Looking at things as they are with his track record, I would say that the time has passed on having him get a high school diploma at his local high school.

Possibly and only possibly it might be a strategic time to have what is called a "Transition Planning" focused conversation about what he will be doing at age 18 and what you and your husband are willing to do in terms of support here on out:

1- EDUCATION:   Since he does not like high school and you agree it is not a good setting for him, then he can go to the  XXXX GED program even part-time to complete his high school equivalency.  **You will have in a folder a packet and application  form for him to complete.

2- EMPLOYMENT:  Since he is not ready for does he seem to have the maturity to go to college, he needs to find a part-time job which will be quite doable with a part-time GED program.  You will expect for him to give you 1/3 of what he earns for rent, food, utilities.  It is called contributing one's "Fair Share" of basic housing costs. ( My youngest daughter with Down syndrome does this based even on her disability checks)

3- HOUSING:  You will no longer "verbally" set the House Rules.  Rather you will present him with a contract based upon what you believe is fair in terms of what you will provide, what you expect of him and what will be grounds to end housing contract.  It will include the fee structure.  It is very appropriate given his track record to say that he must be in at least a part-time GED program, have a part-time job etc.  **A Housing Contract will help keep the discussion of continuing to live in your home less away from "his impact" on the younger siblings, but as you realize it is very important for them to see that you two are united not letting this kid rule the roost.

4- HEALTH CARE:  I would continue to pay for health insurance which is available to him through age 26 and even three years afterwards with COBRA in the hopes that he will take advantage of the psychiatric services and learn to see the beneficial aspects of medication.  However, this need not be pointed out, but rather just a basic core thing you will do as a parent.  And note the yearly cost of this benefit.

5- AUTO INSURANCE:  It is not clear if he knows how to drive or not or has a license, but I can see why it may be best that he does not.  However, you could let him know that if he obtains his GED, gets and maintains at least a part-time job, you would cover this for so long.  This might be very important to have for him in case he might now or in the future drive other's cars.  In fact if this is the case, I would recommend just doing so.  Again let him know the cost of this potential benefit.

6- USED AUTO or APARTMENT DEPOSIT AND ? MONTHS RENT:  If either of these items might be a future goal of interest for him and for you all to see him work towards then put this forward with definite stipulations on what must be achieved.  The goal might be either to help him have a means of transportation to by then a full-time job, a part-time job and community college classses or possibly a full-time community college program (best to see if he can do it first from a home base).  OR to give him financial support to move out of the home if goals have been met on the GED and part-time job so the next step is greater independence, but still unsure of what it will be.  In this case, he could possibly help define what the longer range goals of #6 and #7 might be.

7- COLLEGE OR TECHNICAL TRAINING PROGRAM SUPPORT:  In the "Transition" discussion, you can as you feel you are able to or care to given all the previous support and the soon college costs of your other two children to indicate what kind and level of support you might be willing to provide him as he defines a specific job training needed or educational goals related to a career path.

Now these are all basically positive options that I am sure in one way or another you have mentioned to him or he just assumes you will be there to provide.  BUT now you will also include in the "Transition Packet" the name of the organization or service, the address, the phone/email contact and a brochure on such things as:

1- EMPLOYMENT - The local Jobs Center where one can get FREE advice on finding a job AND also will most likely be told to get a GED.

2- HOUSING - The local office on housing and/or housing shelters for those who have no place to sleep - even a car.

3- FOOD - The local centers which provide FREE daily meals and/or places where one can pick up FREE bags of food if they are hungry an how often.

4- DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL SERVICES - The local office where one can go to see if one qualifies for Food Stamps - now called SNAP program and guidance to other resources.

5- FREE CLINIC(S) - The local centers where one can obtain FREE health care if one does not have family insurance coverage or a job.

6- MENTAL HEALTH DEPARTMENT - The local center/agency that deals with adults with mental illness in terms of counseling, crisis management and referral to serve at least as a starting point for him on adult services.

7- LEGAL Aide - Or whatever it is called that would represent one if one got into legal trouble after age 18 as you will not be doing so.

It would be my hope in changing the conversation direction from what you will continue to do for him, if he does this and that, to a discussion planning session on various topics or questions with two sides simply being share of what can be available as a family member and what is out there in the community for him - if he chooses not to be a part of your family.......And then stick to it, including changing the locks to the house.  Our closest friends have a 33 year old son -  who never moved beyond the age of 16, and  who has been into drugs, tatoos, piercings, jail time for misdemeanors, etc. etc. for half his life.  He has not worked in six years at all, and they have continued to pay his bills such that it almost equals a private college tuition.  Now the son is back in the house having no where to go - once again wrecked up a used car, no license, no GED nor desire to work on it and my gosh no desire to get a job (very hard now given his appearance) AND they still are not on solid ground about just setting boundaries for either or.....   And these are two very, very good, caring and intelligent parents.  But in essence he has taken them down almost financially.   It is best to start now to not enable him on the road to disaster......and to know that you have done what you can.

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