I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

I realize this thread is a few months old, but feel compelled to reply because I can very much identify with it.

I have 3 small children, ages 5,3,1. I am a SAHM and have been depressed and miserable for some time. My depression is hormonal and postpartum, and am fairly lonely. DH is kind of a moody jackass in general, always has been. He's against me returning to work while we still have non-verbal children.

So while divorce sounds like an awesome escape at this point--- I could go back to work, have a dog, make meals and run the house as I want to, not having to bloody compromise or give in all the time.--- I realize it is not a practical solution at the moment.

DH is sometimes snarky, often ignores me, and criticizes my parenting. But I'm sick of wallowing and allowing him to make me feel bad. I've come to realize he is under just as much stress as I am, and that he hasn't really changed, just that I expect more from him- more attention and companionship since I don't have the circle of friends that I used to have. So while it sucks that he blows me off when I want to chit chat about mundane things in the evening, and I don't it's unrealistic to want an attentive or respectful partner, this is not a reason to break up a family. It's not about "me" right now and I certainly can't change him.

So, when I go thru my divorce fantasizing phases, I dream of what I would want to be different and what my life would have been like without him (different career and location), and what I would look for in a new partner. So I take the time to really think about what I want and what i am missing.

I've read a lot of books over the 15 years of our relationship and I strongly recommend Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and the Surrendered Wife (awful title, but great book). I've learned I have to be direct, because most men are clueless and not at all intuitive/sensitive, and to identify when I'm using passive aggressive behavior, because that is absolutely not effective. But the key is communication. If I feel that I want more affection, I have to be very specific and tell him I need him to hug me, or ask him to kiss me goodbye. Otherwise, it just won't occur to him.

When we do go out by ourselves, which is very rare, sometimes it's wonderful and we start to reconnect. I've found that a few cocktails helps me relax, because otherwise I just want to have serious discussions and that totally brings the whole mood down.

I've also decided to work on creating the life that I wanted all along, before he or children came into the picture, so I'm starting a grad program soon to give me some career options in that direction.

I know the man I fell in love with is still there. It's a lot of work to get him to show himself, though. This thread helped me truly understand that this time with young children is one the most stressful periods we will ever have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is a few months old, but feel compelled to reply because I can very much identify with it.

I have 3 small children, ages 5,3,1. I am a SAHM and have been depressed and miserable for some time. My depression is hormonal and postpartum, and am fairly lonely. DH is kind of a moody jackass in general, always has been. He's against me returning to work while we still have non-verbal children.

So while divorce sounds like an awesome escape at this point--- I could go back to work, have a dog, make meals and run the house as I want to, not having to bloody compromise or give in all the time.--- I realize it is not a practical solution at the moment.

DH is sometimes snarky, often ignores me, and criticizes my parenting. But I'm sick of wallowing and allowing him to make me feel bad. I've come to realize he is under just as much stress as I am, and that he hasn't really changed, just that I expect more from him- more attention and companionship since I don't have the circle of friends that I used to have. So while it sucks that he blows me off when I want to chit chat about mundane things in the evening, and I don't it's unrealistic to want an attentive or respectful partner, this is not a reason to break up a family. It's not about "me" right now and I certainly can't change him.

So, when I go thru my divorce fantasizing phases, I dream of what I would want to be different and what my life would have been like without him (different career and location), and what I would look for in a new partner. So I take the time to really think about what I want and what i am missing.

I've read a lot of books over the 15 years of our relationship and I strongly recommend Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and the Surrendered Wife (awful title, but great book). I've learned I have to be direct, because most men are clueless and not at all intuitive/sensitive, and to identify when I'm using passive aggressive behavior, because that is absolutely not effective. But the key is communication. If I feel that I want more affection, I have to be very specific and tell him I need him to hug me, or ask him to kiss me goodbye. Otherwise, it just won't occur to him.

When we do go out by ourselves, which is very rare, sometimes it's wonderful and we start to reconnect. I've found that a few cocktails helps me relax, because otherwise I just want to have serious discussions and that totally brings the whole mood down.

I've also decided to work on creating the life that I wanted all along, before he or children came into the picture, so I'm starting a grad program soon to give me some career options in that direction.

I know the man I fell in love with is still there. It's a lot of work to get him to show himself, though. This thread helped me truly understand that this time with young children is one the most stressful periods we will ever have.

Thank you for this. I'm a new poster who is separated from my DH. I still love him and want to work things out, he sounds more like OP in that he is no longer attracted to me (and yes, I am still attractive, no weight gain, etc., even after two kids my body bounced back and I'm in good shape, it's not that), he had an emotional affair which led him to believe he should move on from me (but that has ended). I think he just doesn't want to grow up. He can be passive aggressive and I have a lot of anger and resentment that I've really worked through the course of the separation. I see my part in all of this and what I contributed (not communicating, being selfish, escaping into my own world and not nurturing our marriage, especially once we had kids). But it's frustrating going through this. I wish someone would just tell him, marriage takes work. You didn't communicate. You stored up anger and resentments and let it fester without talking about it. You fell for another woman when things got tough. Your reaction to having kids was resorting to happy hours, video games, and replacing porn for your wife. GROW UP.

Don't get me wrong, I have a ton of growing up to do as well but I'm aware of that and am trying and want to work on the marriage! I'ts very frustrating. OP sounds immature. Divorce will decimate you and your kids lives. You can rebuild it, and come back stronger, and it can all be okay, but it will humble you and force you to grow up. It is not an escape. I read a great quote from a marriage counseling blog, "you can learn the hard way and stay married, or you can learn the harder way and get divorced." That's what it boils down to. There is no easy way out.

[Anonymous]

I get really irritated when I hear about these relationships where one spouse allows infatuation with the shiny new person destroy the long-term relationship or starts treating the old companion badly solely because he or she is no longer shiny and new. I'm fiercely loyal and so is my wife; so I guess when that's lacking in other people's relationships, it's none of my concern. But, even so, it's irritating to me because it seems so unfair and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get really irritated when I hear about these relationships where one spouse allows infatuation with the shiny new person destroy the long-term relationship or starts treating the old companion badly solely because he or she is no longer shiny and new. I'm fiercely loyal and so is my wife; so I guess when that's lacking in other people's relationships, it's none of my concern. But, even so, it's irritating to me because it seems so unfair and lazy.

Yep, it's a problem. FWIW I totally contributed to being less shiny and new. We fell into a rut, man did we. We prioritized every thing over each other. I mean EVERYTHING. So that's normal and human, and my approach is, so we've hit rock bottom, let's make a change. Let's do this. Game time.

And his approach was, I think I'm done. I fell out of love. Let's aim for an amicable divorce.

To his credit we are working on things and he is trying but he has one foot out the door and it's really, really hard. Lazy is an interesting word. Yes, it is hard as hell to fix a broken marriage and do the work, but people are really kidding themselves if they think divorce with young kids is easy or easier. I think people like to blame the spouse and think a new, shiny person will be the answer to all of their problems. And that person will, for a while. But then it's the same shit all over again, only now you have the stuff you were avoiding fixing in yourself in the first place, plus an ex and all that baggage, plus a new person's ex and stepkids, plus your kids and their new issues, plus you are financially not doing as well. Sounds a lot harder to me.

[Anonymous]

Most laziness is short-term; resulting in the need for harder work down the line. Don't work harder now to pay cash up front? Work more over time paying for interest. Don't fix the leak now? Work harder later when the foundation is rotten. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get really irritated when I hear about these relationships where one spouse allows infatuation with the shiny new person destroy the long-term relationship or starts treating the old companion badly solely because he or she is no longer shiny and new. I'm fiercely loyal and so is my wife; so I guess when that's lacking in other people's relationships, it's none of my concern. But, even so, it's irritating to me because it seems so unfair and lazy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most laziness is short-term; resulting in the need for harder work down the line. Don't work harder now to pay cash up front? Work more over time paying for interest. Don't fix the leak now? Work harder later when the foundation is rotten. Etc.

But, we live in a world of instant gratification. We have engineered our life to be as convenient as possible, have everything as accessible as possible. So the instant gratification of leaving a hard situation and not working on yourself or the marriage seems much less painful. Life catches up though. The universe doesn't give a crap if you are "comfortable" - it's gonna kick the crap out of you until you learn some lessons.

Pay now, or pay later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is a few months old, but feel compelled to reply because I can very much identify with it.

I have 3 small children, ages 5,3,1. I am a SAHM and have been depressed and miserable for some time. My depression is hormonal and postpartum, and am fairly lonely. DH is kind of a moody jackass in general, always has been. He's against me returning to work while we still have non-verbal children.

So while divorce sounds like an awesome escape at this point--- I could go back to work, have a dog, make meals and run the house as I want to, not having to bloody compromise or give in all the time.--- I realize it is not a practical solution at the moment.

DH is sometimes snarky, often ignores me, and criticizes my parenting. But I'm sick of wallowing and allowing him to make me feel bad. I've come to realize he is under just as much stress as I am, and that he hasn't really changed, just that I expect more from him- more attention and companionship since I don't have the circle of friends that I used to have. So while it sucks that he blows me off when I want to chit chat about mundane things in the evening, and I don't it's unrealistic to want an attentive or respectful partner, this is not a reason to break up a family. It's not about "me" right now and I certainly can't change him.

So, when I go thru my divorce fantasizing phases, I dream of what I would want to be different and what my life would have been like without him (different career and location), and what I would look for in a new partner. So I take the time to really think about what I want and what i am missing.

I've read a lot of books over the 15 years of our relationship and I strongly recommend Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and the Surrendered Wife (awful title, but great book). I've learned I have to be direct, because most men are clueless and not at all intuitive/sensitive, and to identify when I'm using passive aggressive behavior, because that is absolutely not effective. But the key is communication. If I feel that I want more affection, I have to be very specific and tell him I need him to hug me, or ask him to kiss me goodbye. Otherwise, it just won't occur to him.

When we do go out by ourselves, which is very rare, sometimes it's wonderful and we start to reconnect. I've found that a few cocktails helps me relax, because otherwise I just want to have serious discussions and that totally brings the whole mood down.

I've also decided to work on creating the life that I wanted all along, before he or children came into the picture, so I'm starting a grad program soon to give me some career options in that direction.

I know the man I fell in love with is still there. It's a lot of work to get him to show himself, though. This thread helped me truly understand that this time with young children is one the most stressful periods we will ever have.

I think this observation in bold is so awesome. I was just reading an article about how we expect more from our spouse than any one person can ever give.

[Anonymous]

A different perspective. Sometimes I just wonder if who I fell in love was ever there in the first place. He comes home, eats dinner with me and kids if he feels like it, then goes downstairs to his video games. Seriously, with two toddlers he still finds time for his games but doesn't give me a hand to get them to bed or even takes the time to play with them. I am thinking he was always this selfish and my rose color glasses are just now coming off. Would it really be so bad if we split up? I do everything now as it is including earning a bigger paycheck. At least I wouldn't have to answer to him on how I spend it.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried telling him in a gentle, non- threatening, neutral tone (cuz men check out if they think you are complaining or trying to control them) that you need help or expect him to interact with the children?

I guess I'm lucky in that my DH handles the kids once he is home. I try to get them fed before he's home, he arrives around 6:45pm, plays until he puts then in the bath at 7, puts them to bed, and he's done by 8. THEN it's his man-cave zoning out time.

He just always did this by himself, though; I never had to prompt. But, while he's taking care of the kiddos' bath and bed, I'm cleaning up the kitchen and all that. Those 90 minutes are the only time he spends with the children during the day, so he's glad to do it. Now, he he has desk job and gets to go out to lunch, and do mundane things like drink coffee, shoot the breeze with his coworkers, and use the restroom in peace. If he had a manual or physical job, were outside in questionable weather, and had to eat and pee on the run, then I think I might be a little more forgiving of man cave/decompression/chilling out time before I expected him to deal with the chaos of little children.

But I think communicating is still the key. He may have no idea that something else is expected of him. And the tone makes a huge difference. If you act like his mother, he will respond by acting like a child. Maybe pretend he's a house guest and communicate with him as such. Like, "hey! Would you mind putting your dirty socks in basket? Super! Thanks!" or, "hey! How was your day? I'm so glad you're home! I could actually use your help. Would you mind keeping the kids occupied while I finish up dinner? Thank you so much!"

Really. Men are easy like that. Positivity and courtesy. Works wonders.

[Anonymous]

Even beyond man/woman/relationships, it's astonishing how many people don't seem to get that being minimally polite actually gets you more of what you want.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was about to start a thread called, "I have a shitty husband". I see that my old thread has come up again and not much has changed. I have not been on this thread for several months. Sadly, I'm right back to how I was feeling 4 months ago. Our summer was filled with vacations and social gatherings. The outings were a good time but DH was lousy company. When other people are around, DH is great (not to me but to others). As soon as we are alone together, our smiles disappear and the eye rolling begins.

Yes, DH is successful so he is a good provider. Yes, DH is a wonderful father.

I am so miserable being married to DH. I will come home in an awesome mood, be having fun with our children and DH starts to talk and my whole day gets ruined. The man is a complete mood killer. I often talk myself into thinking I have a good life. I TRY to like DH. I TRY to convince myself that I love him. It never lasts more than a few minutes.

In attempts to improve my marriage, I have tried having sex with DH more but it totally sucks. It is beyond a chore. DH probably makes advances a few times a week. We will be arguing, not getting along, and then he will try to have sex with me. Then I think I should just give him blowjobs to keep him happy because that would be better than sex but I just don't want to do that either.

I feel like everything in my life is going well except my marriage. I used to think that I took out my exhaustation and other frustrations out on DH. I am no longer sleep deprived. My career is taking off. I do admit that I felt bad in the past about being mommy tracked while DH's career was soaring. I have finally achieved work life balance and happiness. I just wished I had a life partner that I liked. I don't even need love or sex. I just want to enjoy the company of my spouse. I want to stop being so annoyed at him all the time.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling? Seriously. There is clearly years of resentment and deep pain on both your parts.

[Anonymous]

OP I think a lot of people feel like you do. I don't think it's that unusual.

[Anonymous]

....do what will make you happy. if you happy your kids will be happy.