Reply to I just don't like my husband anymore

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I realize this thread is a few months old, but feel compelled to reply because I can very much identify with it.

I have 3 small children, ages 5,3,1. I am a SAHM and have been depressed and miserable for some time. My depression is hormonal and postpartum, and am fairly lonely. DH is kind of a moody jackass in general, always has been.  He's against me returning to work while we still have non-verbal children.

So while divorce sounds like an awesome escape at this point--- I could go back to work, have a dog, make meals and run the house as I want to, not having to bloody compromise or give in all the time.--- I realize it is not a practical solution at the moment.

DH is sometimes snarky, often ignores me, and criticizes my parenting. But I'm sick of wallowing and allowing him to make me feel bad. [b]I've come to realize he is under just as much stress as I am, and that he hasn't really changed, just that I expect more from him- more attention and companionship since I don't have the circle of friends that I used to have. [/b]So while it sucks that he blows me off when I want to chit chat about mundane things in the evening, and I don't it's unrealistic to want an attentive or respectful partner, this is not a reason to break up a family.  It's not about "me" right now and I certainly can't change him.

So, when I go thru my divorce fantasizing phases, I dream of what I would want to be different and what my life would have been like without him (different career and location),  and what I would look for in a new partner. So I take the time to really think about what I want and what i am missing.

I've read a lot of books over the 15 years of our relationship and I strongly recommend Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and the Surrendered Wife (awful title, but great book).  I've learned I have to be direct, because most men are clueless and not at all intuitive/sensitive, and to identify when I'm using passive aggressive behavior, because that is absolutely not effective.  But the key is communication. If I feel that I want more affection, I have to be very specific and tell him I need him to hug me, or ask him to kiss me goodbye. Otherwise, it just won't occur to him.

When we do go out by ourselves, which is very rare, sometimes it's wonderful and we start to reconnect. I've found that a few cocktails helps me relax, because otherwise I just want to have serious discussions and that totally brings the whole mood down.

I've also decided to work on creating the life that I wanted all along, before he or children came into the picture, so I'm starting a grad program soon to give me some career options in that direction.

I know the man I fell in love with is still there. It's a lot of work to get him to show himself, though. This thread helped me truly understand that this time with young children is one  the most stressful periods we will ever have.

[/quote]

I think this observation in bold is so awesome. I was just reading an article about how we expect more from our spouse than any one person can ever give. [/quote]

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