I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

get out you offer you kids nothing but a perverse distorted image of love and marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with some of the the PPs who perceive part of your dissatisfaction to be disillusionment. I am sure many people on DCUM have had a rough spot where they felt they had perhaps made a terrible mistake and that marriage wasn't supposed to be "like this" or they just haven't experienced it yet. (If your marriage is perfect and you can't relate to OP, perhaps you have no business offering her your advice).

Having young kids and striking the balance of wife and mother is not as easy as it might seem. Just consider the insecurity about our bodies that morph from slender to enormous in the span of less than a year, the fact that (as one PP stated) some men don't know what to do with a pregnant wife who is nauseous throughout her pregnancy (which may be care and concern perceived as disgust), the drastic spikes and plummets of hormones during and after pregnancy, the enormous pressures to be a perfect mother, and finally the energy and confidence at the end of the sleep deprived day to service your husband who you suddenly forgot what it was that made you fall in love in the first place. Oh, and don't forget that everyone is looking to you to put on a happy face at all times, because you should be glowing with your beautiful family and never feeling disappointment because god forbid your child pick up on it and then turn out all screwed up for not growing up in a family where pure joy fills the air at all times.

If I read correctly and am not getting your posts mixed up with others, you said your husband imposed a sexless marriage on you and now he is wanting to be sexually intimate again that you have zero desire. Are you perhaps afraid of feeling the rejection you may have felt during your pregnancy once again? I was-for a fairly long time. (Being on the pill and a libido zapping antidepressant didn't help one bit.) You also complain that you feel resentful when he watches sports because he could be using that time to be helping you with childcare. I get that, and felt that, too.

Then I decided to really talk about it with him. I always thought we had a good relationship because we never fought. Turns out, we never fought because we never discussed things that made us uncomfortable-imagine that! At first we both focused on our own feelings of dissatisfaction (believe me, if you are dissatisfied, so is he). Then we started to look at ourselves through each others eyes. That is how we were able to see and understand how we ourselves were contributing to the problems. When you discover you are both dissatisfied with your marriage, you may think divorce just makes sense. But if there is no abuse and it boils down to poor communication, you can learn to get past that. We went-and still go-to counseling, and although things aren't your initial falling in love, hormone induced feeling of perfect, we learned what a strong marriage really means. Last year was just awful. I even had a divorce attorney. This year is much better and we both actually feel our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, but we still have a lot of work to do to make it even better and keep it strong.

One of the best things we did was commit to finding things we both enjoyed and we did them together, without the kids, at least every other week. It felt forced at first and getting a sitter was difficult as we have a child with special needs and it was also a financial strain, but then again, so was a lawyer. After the first few times, we both started looking forward to getting those special times alone together.

Don't let people who berate you for feeling disillusioned about marriage get to you. It's OK to learn things as we go. You are not selfish. You do need to know that your marriage is not going to fight for itself, and you can't do it on your own, either. You both need to commit to fighting to get it back on track. Working together it is a fight you can win, and it is a fight worth having. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been where you are. I was very close to separating from my husband for similar reasons. He's a great guy, great dad, great everything, and yet, I didn't like being around him, couldn't talk honestly with him, started thinking about other men (no action whatsoever, just daydreams), and started wondering whether I'd ever feel happy again. Finally, we went to counseling, and it didn't help at all! In fact, counseling made things much, much worse. So, I decided to talk openly to DH. I told him about my daydreams, what I wanted, what I was missing, what I couldn't stand about him, etc. etc. etc. I wasn't mean or angry, just sad and disappointed. I can't say there was anything instant, but after a while, DH started paying attention, and changing his behavior. He started acting more like the man I'd fallen in love with, and less like the boring jerk he'd turned into, post kids. Now I'd say things are not perfect, but they are better, and no, I don't think we'll divorce ever. I think it's hard to stay married, hard to stay "in love" if that's even possible, but it is possible to stay connected, and that, in our case, is what is keeping us together. Were I so miserable that I couldn't stand living in the same house with DH, I'd make plans to get out of the marriage. I don't know if that's the case with you, OP, but you don't sound extremely unhappy, just dissatisfied. Life is short, OP, and if you are much unhappier than you are letting on here in this forum, then you need to get thee to a counselor so you can be honest with yourself and your DH about what's happening. You will have to deal with your DH forever since you share two children, so better communication will be essential regardless of whether or not you stay together. Don't hang together for the sake of the kids. That does not work, OP! It only leads to lies and cheating (whether imaginary or not), and creating a false front (lying!) for your children, who will see through it sooner or later. They KNOW what real happiness is, and will know that you are portraying happiness, but don't feel it. Find happiness if you must, OP, and ignore those who are so harsh. Unlike the old days, you are not stuck with your husband forever, and you do have the option of leaving if you decide that you simply cannot tolerate staying together with him. But make that decision together, OP, in concert with this man you are going to be tied to forever, regardless of whether or not you remain married.

Pretty much the only decent thoughtful response on this thread.

Thank you. I like your perspective. I'm married 13 years and really bored and would probably be fine on my own. I stay, I will stay forever and will never cheat.

I could never be honest and tell him my true feelings, he is a good man and it would be too hurtful. He is very in love with me, it is painfully obvious. I'm distant and he tries so hard, but often I'd rather just not talk and be left alone. I'm going to try harder. I'd love to start with a book. Any book recommendations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with some of the the PPs who perceive part of your dissatisfaction to be disillusionment. I am sure many people on DCUM have had a rough spot where they felt they had perhaps made a terrible mistake and that marriage wasn't supposed to be "like this" or they just haven't experienced it yet. (If your marriage is perfect and you can't relate to OP, perhaps you have no business offering her your advice).

Having young kids and striking the balance of wife and mother is not as easy as it might seem. Just consider the insecurity about our bodies that morph from slender to enormous in the span of less than a year, the fact that (as one PP stated) some men don't know what to do with a pregnant wife who is nauseous throughout her pregnancy (which may be care and concern perceived as disgust), the drastic spikes and plummets of hormones during and after pregnancy, the enormous pressures to be a perfect mother, and finally the energy and confidence at the end of the sleep deprived day to service your husband who you suddenly forgot what it was that made you fall in love in the first place. Oh, and don't forget that everyone is looking to you to put on a happy face at all times, because you should be glowing with your beautiful family and never feeling disappointment because god forbid your child pick up on it and then turn out all screwed up for not growing up in a family where pure joy fills the air at all times.

If I read correctly and am not getting your posts mixed up with others, you said your husband imposed a sexless marriage on you and now he is wanting to be sexually intimate again that you have zero desire. Are you perhaps afraid of feeling the rejection you may have felt during your pregnancy once again? I was-for a fairly long time. (Being on the pill and a libido zapping antidepressant didn't help one bit.) You also complain that you feel resentful when he watches sports because he could be using that time to be helping you with childcare. I get that, and felt that, too.

Then I decided to really talk about it with him. I always thought we had a good relationship because we never fought. Turns out, we never fought because we never discussed things that made us uncomfortable-imagine that! At first we both focused on our own feelings of dissatisfaction (believe me, if you are dissatisfied, so is he). Then we started to look at ourselves through each others eyes. That is how we were able to see and understand how we ourselves were contributing to the problems. When you discover you are both dissatisfied with your marriage, you may think divorce just makes sense. But if there is no abuse and it boils down to poor communication, you can learn to get past that. We went-and still go-to counseling, and although things aren't your initial falling in love, hormone induced feeling of perfect, we learned what a strong marriage really means. Last year was just awful. I even had a divorce attorney. This year is much better and we both actually feel our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, but we still have a lot of work to do to make it even better and keep it strong.

One of the best things we did was commit to finding things we both enjoyed and we did them together, without the kids, at least every other week. It felt forced at first and getting a sitter was difficult as we have a child with special needs and it was also a financial strain, but then again, so was a lawyer. After the first few times, we both started looking forward to getting those special times alone together.

Don't let people who berate you for feeling disillusioned about marriage get to you. It's OK to learn things as we go. You are not selfish. You do need to know that your marriage is not going to fight for itself, and you can't do it on your own, either. You both need to commit to fighting to get it back on track. Working together it is a fight you can win, and it is a fight worth having. Good luck to you.

OP here. Most of the posters seem to focus on the sexless part of my post. When I was pregnant, I was extremely nauseous. I think many women experience some morning sickness but mine was the most severe amongs people I know. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex so I don't necessarily think he imposed a sexless marriage on me. During different times in the past four years, DH and I both were disinterested in sex. DH tries occasionally to initiate sex and I am just not interested. There was never a time in the past 4 years that DH rejected my advances. He is pretty responsive. Now that I am back to my old figure, DH is more physically attracted to me. Unfortunately, the feelings are not mutual. I am still disinterested in sex.

As some posters have suggested, I have become disillussioned with my marriage. Perhaps I was naive but I believed in happily ever after. I was a hopeless romantic. Before I met my husband, I had many suitors and a lot of options. I often got bored of men. DH swept me off my feet and we did live in bliss for many years. I'm not sure if he was the cause of my happiness but I was happy. We were both kicking ass in our careers and enjoying young professional life. DH was everything I wanted in a man. My parents loved him. My friends loved him. The natural next step was to get married and have kids. And that we did.

Much of the problem is that we used to be so happy. Maybe if we weren't so happy before, I would not feel such great disappointment.

I have convinced myself to stop disliking DH. I am trying to focus on his positive traits. At this point, I am neutral. I don't feel any strong emotions towards him. I believe this is a significant improvement as my blood used to boil when I would be in the same room with him. For now, he is a good roommate and a good father. He is tolerable.

[Anonymous]

just wondering, OP, what do you bring to the table? by which I mean, what have you done, if anything, to improve your marriage and get things back on track? you mentioned that you used to date a lot but got easily bored by men. How much of that is you, looking for something unrealistic? Expecting that it is somehow your partner's job to make you happy? It's not. It is your partner's job to try to meet your (reasonable) needs, and vice versa. If those needs are not being met, its your job to communicate that and try to figure out why and how. And have you tried to meet his needs? Do you know what they are?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry that you're unhappy and you aren't bring inconsistent. I get it. I agree with many PPs that you should seek counseling, but perhaps not for the same reasons. I think you need to figure out what you really want, and I'm not sure you do. You're in a tough spot, and it's no wonder you find yourself going back and forth between trying to convince yourself that he's really a good guy who hasn't done anything wrong and you should just stck it out since he's a "good dad", and getting out of a loveless marriage because being roommates really isn't enough and you deserve better. Just because he isn't abusive doesn't mean you should be unhappy for the rest of your life. Because you married for the wrong reasons (because he looked good on paper and everyone seemed to love him) shouldn't mean you have to stay with him forever even if you didn't realize you were making a mistake at the time. It doesn't sound as though either of you is happy. I don't think that forcing yourself to have sex with him is the answer. That's actually the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Do something you really dont want to do and objectify both it and you and maybe you'll start to like it. What a great idea. NO. That isn't what sex between a husband and wife is supposed to be. When it becomes that is when you're supposed to STOP and talk about why you feel that way about it. My advice is to find a therapist who can help you sort out what you really want to do. If you feel this marriage is salvageable (maybe it is) then you can talk about what to do to work towards that. If it isn't, then you can figure out how to make as easy a break for your children as possible. There ARE amicable splits, and when both parties feel that they are roommates, but there's no hatred for each other, just no love, it's when it is the easiest (not that it is ever easy). Good luck. You are not an evil person for feeling the way you do, and yes, true love really does exist. You and your husband deserve it. With each other or with other partners.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've said many positive things about your husband and it strikes me particularly that you were so happy for years with him. You said he swept you off your feet, you were blissful, etc. That's pretty strong language. If you had said "I always felt so-so towards him but he was a good guy and I felt like it was time to get married"' I'd sy hmmm.... Maybe the foundation for a food marriage isn't there (not that a marriage like that can't grow into love either!). But from what you're describing it sounds like you actually got married for the right reasons-- it sounds like you really loved him, both when you were dating, engaged, and in the first years of your marriage. If that's the case you're actually lucky and you have a lot to work with here. It sounds like over the years (maybe with the advent of children?) you've become more and more angry with him-- because what you're describing sounds to me

[Anonymous]

PP here. I got cut off. What you're describing sounds to me like deep anger and resentment. It doesn't just sound like you have a general feeling of malaise, like you just don't like him anymore. Maybe you felt really rejected when he didn't want to have sex with you. It sounds like you're awfully angry that he isn't "trying" in the marriage anymore. Anger can be a healthy emotion if expressed well and if it leads to change. I agree with PPs who've said get some
Counseling. It sounds like you need to communicate these needs to your husband. I believe with open communication you can get back to a certain kind of bliss again. Certainly happiness. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you and I have lot in common. My spouse also earns a good living, "looks good on paper", works hard, owns his own business, etc. My biggest problem is that I am just not attracted to him - plain and simple. I don't think of other men, but I find sex tedious, I find my husband boring and unattractive. But we also have children and a so-called "life" we have built together. I feel sorry for him because he is not a bad person. He still finds me attractive and wants to be "the perfect couple". I have just lost all sex drive and desire for intimacy. Am I bad person for this? It's a physical more than emotional thing - although it is emotional, too.

Why in the world did you marry him, PP?

PP here - because I have changed. I was attracted to him - the first several years of marriage were great and fun and fine. It has changed after kids and after careers became more demanding. He has also gained weight and become less attractive to me, plain and simple. But I know it is mostly that I have just changed. I don't enjoy being in a relationship, I want more time alone. Maybe it is because the drain of kids demanding my time, work and then husband on top of all that is hard.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry that you're unhappy and you aren't bring inconsistent. I get it. I agree with many PPs that you should seek counseling, but perhaps not for the same reasons. I think you need to figure out what you really want, and I'm not sure you do. You're in a tough spot, and it's no wonder you find yourself going back and forth between trying to convince yourself that he's really a good guy who hasn't done anything wrong and you should just stck it out since he's a "good dad", and getting out of a loveless marriage because being roommates really isn't enough and you deserve better. Just because he isn't abusive doesn't mean you should be unhappy for the rest of your life. Because you married for the wrong reasons (because he looked good on paper and everyone seemed to love him) shouldn't mean you have to stay with him forever even if you didn't realize you were making a mistake at the time. It doesn't sound as though either of you is happy. I don't think that forcing yourself to have sex with him is the answer. That's actually the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Do something you really dont want to do and objectify both it and you and maybe you'll start to like it. What a great idea. NO. That isn't what sex between a husband and wife is supposed to be. When it becomes that is when you're supposed to STOP and talk about why you feel that way about it. My advice is to find a therapist who can help you sort out what you really want to do. If you feel this marriage is salvageable (maybe it is) then you can talk about what to do to work towards that. If it isn't, then you can figure out how to make as easy a break for your children as possible. There ARE amicable splits, and when both parties feel that they are roommates, but there's no hatred for each other, just no love, it's when it is the easiest (not that it is ever easy). Good luck. You are not an evil person for feeling the way you do, and yes, true love really does exist. You and your husband deserve it. With each other or with other partners.

+1..... Well said!

[Anonymous]

OP I just saw you call your husband arrogant on another tread. And here you said he use to make your blood boil. I really do think you're very angry with him. Anger will definitely make you not like a person. Do you think you're angry? If so I think you should tap into it and figure out why. It could save your marriage. It sounds like you may be sabotaging your marriage out of anger and resentment. Agreeing to put up with a husband as a roommate arrangement for the kids will not make you happy. It doesn't sound like you're willing to work on it though. Again- maybe because you're really angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Most of the posters seem to focus on the sexless part of my post. When I was pregnant, I was extremely nauseous. I think many women experience some morning sickness but mine was the most severe amongs people I know. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex so I don't necessarily think he imposed a sexless marriage on me. During different times in the past four years, DH and I both were disinterested in sex. DH tries occasionally to initiate sex and I am just not interested. There was never a time in the past 4 years that DH rejected my advances. He is pretty responsive. Now that I am back to my old figure, DH is more physically attracted to me. Unfortunately, the feelings are not mutual. I am still disinterested in sex.

As some posters have suggested, I have become disillussioned with my marriage. Perhaps I was naive but I believed in happily ever after. I was a hopeless romantic. Before I met my husband, I had many suitors and a lot of options. I often got bored of men. DH swept me off my feet and we did live in bliss for many years. I'm not sure if he was the cause of my happiness but I was happy. We were both kicking ass in our careers and enjoying young professional life. DH was everything I wanted in a man. My parents loved him. My friends loved him. The natural next step was to get married and have kids. And that we did.

Much of the problem is that we used to be so happy. Maybe if we weren't so happy before, I would not feel such great disappointment.

I have convinced myself to stop disliking DH. I am trying to focus on his positive traits. At this point, I am neutral. I don't feel any strong emotions towards him. I believe this is a significant improvement as my blood used to boil when I would be in the same room with him.

For now, he is a good roommate and a good father. He is tolerable.

Have you ever just responded because he is interested and because you want to make him happy? If not, why not? A book you might want to check out is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". They really lay out info about female desire. Sometimes you might not think you are in the mood but if you start, you might get in the mood really quickly. Having good sex could make you both feel happy and more connected. You are lucky he approaches you at all if you grudgingly find him "tolerable".

Anger kills loving feelings. Love is a verb and if you start making loving actions toward him things might really change. You'd have to develop a more mature attitude, can't so easily cleanly move on to a different guy when you are married with kids. You have a lot you should feel grateful for. Are you willing to give up your anger to be happy? If you committed to acting like a loving wife for 6 months, research shows that you'd be in a much happier marriage. Have you heard the expression "I'd rather be right than happy?"

My ex was a lot like you OP. Thought everything was somehow outside himself and owed to him. He was passive aggressive and didn't take responsibility for his actions and attitudes.

You might also want to check out "The 5 Love Languages" and have DH read it, it's quick. It's an excellent roadmap to meeting your partner's needs.

Do you want to model realistic skills for your kids as to how to be a happy adult and responsible parent and spouse or do you want to have multiple marriages and be bitter? You can't change anything in the past and I hear that you are hurt and want to hurt him back. That isn't helping anyone. If you could have something BETTER than you used to have, something sustainable based on reality, isn't that what you want your kids to have?

If you want to go to counseling, Andy Wald is good.

[Anonymous]

oops, typing too fast above, the expression is "I'd rather be happy than be right". Not even objectively right, but hanging onto victimhood, staying stuck.

You might think you have the power to play princess forever OP but I predict your DH will bail eventually. You are not going to have so many romantic options as a single mom with an attitude. The fairy tale days are over. You can make something good and do right by your kids or you may end up with far less. You are lucky that your husband still seems to care. No way will that last with you slinging terms like "blood boiling" and "tolerable". Growups solve problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Most of the posters seem to focus on the sexless part of my post. When I was pregnant, I was extremely nauseous. I think many women experience some morning sickness but mine was the most severe amongs people I know. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex so I don't necessarily think he imposed a sexless marriage on me. During different times in the past four years, DH and I both were disinterested in sex. DH tries occasionally to initiate sex and I am just not interested. There was never a time in the past 4 years that DH rejected my advances. He is pretty responsive. Now that I am back to my old figure, DH is more physically attracted to me. Unfortunately, the feelings are not mutual. I am still disinterested in sex.

As some posters have suggested, I have become disillussioned with my marriage. Perhaps I was naive but I believed in happily ever after. I was a hopeless romantic. Before I met my husband, I had many suitors and a lot of options. I often got bored of men. DH swept me off my feet and we did live in bliss for many years. I'm not sure if he was the cause of my happiness but I was happy. We were both kicking ass in our careers and enjoying young professional life. DH was everything I wanted in a man. My parents loved him. My friends loved him. The natural next step was to get married and have kids. And that we did.

Much of the problem is that we used to be so happy. Maybe if we weren't so happy before, I would not feel such great disappointment.

I have convinced myself to stop disliking DH. I am trying to focus on his positive traits. At this point, I am neutral. I don't feel any strong emotions towards him. I believe this is a significant improvement as my blood used to boil when I would be in the same room with him.

For now, he is a good roommate and a good father. He is tolerable.

Have you ever just responded because he is interested and because you want to make him happy? If not, why not? A book you might want to check out is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". They really lay out info about female desire. Sometimes you might not think you are in the mood but if you start, you might get in the mood really quickly. Having good sex could make you both feel happy and more connected. You are lucky he approaches you at all if you grudgingly find him "tolerable".

Anger kills loving feelings. Love is a verb and if you start making loving actions toward him things might really change. You'd have to develop a more mature attitude, can't so easily cleanly move on to a different guy when you are married with kids. You have a lot you should feel grateful for. Are you willing to give up your anger to be happy? If you committed to acting like a loving wife for 6 months, research shows that you'd be in a much happier marriage. Have you heard the expression "I'd rather be right than happy?"

My ex was a lot like you OP. Thought everything was somehow outside himself and owed to him. He was passive aggressive and didn't take responsibility for his actions and attitudes.

You might also want to check out "The 5 Love Languages" and have DH read it, it's quick. It's an excellent roadmap to meeting your partner's needs.

Do you want to model realistic skills for your kids as to how to be a happy adult and responsible parent and spouse or do you want to have multiple marriages and be bitter? You can't change anything in the past and I hear that you are hurt and want to hurt him back. That isn't helping anyone. If you could have something BETTER than you used to have, something sustainable based on reality, isn't that what you want your kids to have?

If you want to go to counseling, Andy Wald is good.

Did your ex begin to find your irritating and stop finding you physically attractive? Then maybe your ex and I have something in common. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out.

I have already posted that I am willing to try. Our social calendar is packed with events. We do well socially together. We don't necessarily talk to each other that much at these gatherings but we socialize with our friends. DH is a likeable guy. In the presence of others, his charming personality comes out. When we are together alone, we often get easily irritated. Neither one of us is trying to charm the other. He says I give him too many lists of tasks to do. DH never gives me tasks but I always get the kids. We basically split childcare and household duties.

I'm sure people will recommend outsourcing housework. We already have a full time nanny, a housekeeper and landscapers. We barely do any housework ourselves.

We had a recent heart to heart talk. The children have literally sucked the life out of us. Having 2 kids under 2 was rough. We both love them so much. At the same time, both of us never liked kids before we had our own. Both of us have essentially abandoned all of our interests besides our careers to spend time with our children. DH's lifestyle didn't take as much of a hit because he still attends conferences and goes golfing with his professional colleagues. I get NO time to myself besides the little downtime per night after the kids go to bed.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you.
You are unhappy now. You are exhausted and feel empty. It sounds to me like you need to find a way to get done more time to enjoy the things you like to do. Once a week set done time aside, even if that means your DH has the kids for an hour or two on the weekend.
From your posts it sounds like you resent DH and how his lifestyle has not been as affected as yours after having the kids. You need to tell him that.
I also agree that you should seek therapy. For you alone, and then with your husband if he is willing. You sound like you are very angry with him.
Do not rush into divorce at this point in your life. You have very young children-they zap all energy and interest in sex out of most women. Please try to work on yourself. Get back to being happy with your life- and don't use your husband as an excuse for all your unhappiness.
Hopefully in time, with effort on your part, you'll be able to look back in a couple of years and think- wow, I was so depressed than I didn't even realize it!
I have had that happen to me.
I hope all works out for you OP. in the end we are the only one responsible for our own happiness. Seek yours and hopefully you can find it without breaking up your family.