leaving 17 mo old with nanny for a few days...should we do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Thank you for all the different perspectives. I appreciate all of the input. I have a doctorate in developmental psychology and my focus was attachment theory so I want to address that particular aspect of this thread.

My child is attached to the nanny. If your child is in full-time care, I bet they too have secondary attachments to one or more caregivers. “Attachment Theory” now comes in two flavors: That of scientific pursuit (where a child can be attached to a primary and many secondary people) and backed by research and the bastardization by so-called experts. It bugs me.

This is why I am balancing what’s worse for my child: a foreign trip or staying with nanny (who will be properly backed up by great neighbors who know child quite well). If I go alone, I fly one day, work one day, fly home one day. I’d miss 3-4 bedtimes probably. I’ve done a few overnight business trips already that have taken me away for two bedtimes to no negative impact that I can see. But, we’ve taken vacations as a family and my child doesn’t really sleep a lot, gets cranky, ect.

Staying at home with dad is best but DH really, really wants to go to Germany with baby or without. He’s willing to take on all that responsibility. We wouldn’t take nanny since I only have to work about a half-day.

I especially appreciate all of the moms who understand that this is an inner struggle for me (a FTM well over 30). My child likes routine and is not the best traveler. I don’t want to leave for 4 days but basically have to because I work and it’s part of my job.

OP, you've changed your story. You said that DH voted to bring baby to Germany; you also said that you would feel better if you had DH with you.

I don't see why you are trying to justify this. Your baby is young. If you go, you only have to stay a few days; if DH goes with you, you think you should stay a week. IMO, DH should stay at home with the baby and have the nanny help out at home. You will have other opportunities for international travel.

I still think that you are selfish and thinking from your own narcissistic perspective. I say this also as an late-30s mom who WOTH full-time.

I agree. This is about your DH and what he wants, not about the baby and what is best for him.

If your DH is a mature parent he will make the decision based on what is best for the CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not do that. Time is much slower for babies. The baby is too young to understand that you are coming back and will mourn you as if you had died. This very traumatic for such a young child. I would definitely take the baby with me.

OP said she has to take the trip for work...so, if you were her you'd quit your job instead of taking the trip? I guess that's not a concern for you though, as I'm sure the Germans are not clamoring for your Taco Bell drive thru operator expertise.

mean, much? You are a real b***h

so, how long do you leave your kid with the nanny? and does your kid know your name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Thank you for all the different perspectives. I appreciate all of the input. I have a doctorate in developmental psychology and my focus was attachment theory so I want to address that particular aspect of this thread.

My child is attached to the nanny. If your child is in full-time care, I bet they too have secondary attachments to one or more caregivers. “Attachment Theory” now comes in two flavors: That of scientific pursuit (where a child can be attached to a primary and many secondary people) and backed by research and the bastardization by so-called experts. It bugs me.

This is why I am balancing what’s worse for my child: a foreign trip or staying with nanny (who will be properly backed up by great neighbors who know child quite well). If I go alone, I fly one day, work one day, fly home one day. I’d miss 3-4 bedtimes probably. I’ve done a few overnight business trips already that have taken me away for two bedtimes to no negative impact that I can see. But, we’ve taken vacations as a family and my child doesn’t really sleep a lot, gets cranky, ect.

Staying at home with dad is best but DH really, really wants to go to Germany with baby or without. He’s willing to take on all that responsibility. We wouldn’t take nanny since I only have to work about a half-day.

I especially appreciate all of the moms who understand that this is an inner struggle for me (a FTM well over 30). My child likes routine and is not the best traveler. I don’t want to leave for 4 days but basically have to because I work and it’s part of my job.

OP, you've changed your story. You said that DH voted to bring baby to Germany; you also said that you would feel better if you had DH with you.

I don't see why you are trying to justify this. Your baby is young. If you go, you only have to stay a few days; if DH goes with you, you think you should stay a week. IMO, DH should stay at home with the baby and have the nanny help out at home. You will have other opportunities for international travel.

I still think that you are selfish and thinking from your own narcissistic perspective. I say this also as an late-30s mom who WOTH full-time.

I agree. This is about your DH and what he wants, not about the baby and what is best for him.

If your DH is a mature parent he will make the decision based on what is best for the CHILD.

Ever notice how the most screwed-up people study psychology? My craziest friends are psychiatrists/psychologists.

Do what's right, OP, not what you feel like doing. And leave your self-absorbed, immature husband home to help the nanny take care of the baby.

[Anonymous]

Good grief, people get up in arms over nothing.

GO. Enjoy it. Consider it a vacation. A lot less people would flame if you said you're going away with your DH for a week and leaving them with family. But you know what? You're right. The nanny knows the kid best and I'm sure can handle it. Especially for adequate compensation.

[Anonymous]

OP - go. Having taken 3 international trips with my DD before she was 2 (leaving her with my mother) she enjoyed the time with my mother and had no issues when I came back.

I spoke to her ped and a child psychiatrist before I went and got real expert opinions vs. "I'm a better parent than you DCUMs"

[Anonymous]

wow -- i've only read a portion of this thread and am shocked at the vitriol. before i read any of this, i thought the opinions would have been tame -- as in "i would" or "i wouldn't" instead of these "you narcissitic selfish bitch and you must hate your child" comments. just wow.

anyway.......since your child loves your nanny and is very close to her. go. i personally would make the trip as short as it has to be. your child is 18 months? go. or consider taking him/her. germany is fabulous with children. almost everything is built with children in mind. even the bus stops!

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs who said I wouldn't do it and I have to defend OP here. She is honestly trying to make the best decision. She is weighing the possibilities and asking for help in making a good decision. My opinion is still either take the baby or leave DH with the baby and keep the trip as short as possible. It is harder to travel with a baby and some babies do not travel well but I think it is goof for them to have the experience of adjusting to new experiences with their parents close by. It helps them learn to be more flexible later in life. I have traveled with 3 difficult babies so I know what it's like. You obviously know that it wouldn't be good for the baby if both parents disappeared for a week. But I don't think you are a bad person or a narcissist for asking this question!

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should leave the child with your nanny, take DH, but not go for a whole week. We just went on a four night trip without our kids and left them with their nanny (they are older). It felt like a lifetime because we had so much free time. I don't think we needed a week to have a wonderful vacation and we really missed them, anyway. Sounds like you don't have much work to do while there, so maybe 4-5 nights would be a good compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some sincere questions for the people who think that babies are fine when their parents leave them for extended periods. I really, honestly want to understand this. If a baby is too young to understand time and the fact that his/her parents will be back in a week or so (which probably feels more like a couple of months to a baby), do you think your kids love and need you at this age? If the answer is yes, do you think they know that you are coming back or do you think they forget about you for a while and eventually give up on you ever coming back? If that's the case, does this have no long term effect on your relationship with your kids? What do you think this type of separation is like for them? I just don't get it because, while of course I think it is okay for parents to go to work and return at the end of day, I have a hard time understanding why someone would think that babies are fine when you leave them for long periods of time. How would they possibly know that you love them and are coming back to them? I have 3 kids over 3 years and I never left them until they could understand the concept of coming back in a few days. Even so, it is really hard for them when I leave because they really, really feel like they need me. Maybe the relationship is just different for a lot of parents.

Have you not considered parents who have to occasionally travel for work? I am a mom who has to travel sometimes for work. I hate leaving my baby, but he does fine because he is equally comforted by DH. We have never felt that he has mourned the loss of me. Which is why I think OP is nuts for taking away DH when she doesn't have to. So Do you think it's okay for men to travel occasionally for work, or do you only have issues when women have to do it? Perhaps you don't have as balanced parenting relationship (between mother and father) as many working couples do.

[Anonymous]

OP-I have a 20 month old and I have had to go out of the country twice (6 days and 5 days). DH wanted to go with me both times I went out of the country but the thought of us both away from her was too much for me to bear. I worry when I am away from her-especially when flying. I definitely would have preferred to have not had to travel alone but I did not want to disrupt DD's routine. And, I was very afraid that if something happened on the flight that DD would lose both of the people who love her most in the world. Morbid I know, but that is how I think. So, if it was me, I would go alone and get home as quickly as possible-and that is what I have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have some sincere questions for the people who think that babies are fine when their parents leave them for extended periods. I really, honestly want to understand this. If a baby is too young to understand time and the fact that his/her parents will be back in a week or so (which probably feels more like a couple of months to a baby), do you think your kids love and need you at this age? If the answer is yes, do you think they know that you are coming back or do you think they forget about you for a while and eventually give up on you ever coming back? If that's the case, does this have no long term effect on your relationship with your kids? What do you think this type of separation is like for them? I just don't get it because, while of course I think it is okay for parents to go to work and return at the end of day, I have a hard time understanding why someone would think that babies are fine when you leave them for long periods of time. How would they possibly know that you love them and are coming back to them? I have 3 kids over 3 years and I never left them until they could understand the concept of coming back in a few days. Even so, it is really hard for them when I leave because they really, really feel like they need me. Maybe the relationship is just different for a lot of parents.

Have you not considered parents who have to occasionally travel for work? I am a mom who has to travel sometimes for work. I hate leaving my baby, but he does fine because he is equally comforted by DH. We have never felt that he has mourned the loss of me. Which is why I think OP is nuts for taking away DH when she doesn't have to. So Do you think it's okay for men to travel occasionally for work, or do you only have issues when women have to do it? Perhaps you don't have as balanced parenting relationship (between mother and father) as many working couples do.

I was really talking about the situation the OP was describing where both parents would leave the baby for a week. It's true that as a SAHM my babies have been extremely bonded with me and it would have seemed impossible to leave them myself. But if you have a DH who is equally bonded with the child, then you have a parent at home and the routine is not broken so the baby can still experience some stability. My DH did have to travel when our kids were babies and it was extremely hard on him and the kids but they were okay because I was the primary caregiver. If the baby seems more bonded with the nanny than the parents, then I guess leaving the child would not be a problem at this time but you could have some problems later on in a situation like that.

[Anonymous]

I'd say bring DH and baby. Yes, it may be hard traveling with a young toddler and all, but the flight to Germany is probably at night and he will likely sleep through. Once there, DH can go sightseeing with baby and then you three have fun together at night. I think it's a great opportunity to insert flexibility and adaptability to a child, while the parents are with him to support in every way. At this age, kids are very interested in airplanes, new sights and sounds, and a change of routine - since it's a completely new place - can work well. On the other hand, a change of routine at home (with both parents away for a week) for a 1.5 yr. is way too radical in my view. He doesn't know days or weeks, but definitely your child has a set routine and expectations, like nanny arrives, mom/dad leave, after nap, it's snack, then nanny leaves, mom/dad come home, etc. Having the part of you coming home disappear for so many days can well have a negative impact on the child. Apart from that, I'd too worry about nanny handling everything on her own for a week, and I'd not relax during the trip enough to enjoy DH in my free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your posts have all been about you, and your husband. None of them have taken the perspective of your baby, or talked about you as a family.

You are a family now. You are not Me. DH. Nanny. Child. You are a family.

So if you want your family with you, go as a family. If you want time away with your husband, start with a weekend and see how that goes. If you want to focus on your job, go alone and have your husband and nanny take care of your baby in your absence.

What if your baby gets sick, and cries for her parents, who are a continent away? What if she just suddenly has separation anxiety? It is true that children can cope with all kinds of trauma, but this is not a medical or family emergency. This is something you want.

If you are a loving mother, this is not about you. A sudden loss of both parents cannot be explained to a 17 month old. Accept the responsibility you have, and take heart: this is a temporary set of circumstances. There will come a time you can run off to Europe with your husband. Just not right now.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Funny -- I am a PP who also simply chimed in that I wouldn't do this.

BUT.

We were going to go to a wedding, my DH and I, and possibly leave our 2 children for two nights with a trusted, excellent babysitter/nanny (who's taught me a great deal about good childrearing, I might add). We have an almost 4 YO who likes this nanny a great deal and a 6 mo.

Outside of my own family,this nanny is one of the few I'd trust to raise my kids if anything ever happened. She's all of 26 YO, engaged, wants to start a family. Not at all like I was at age 26.

So there ya go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny -- I am a PP who also simply chimed in that I wouldn't do this.

BUT.

We were going to go to a wedding, my DH and I, and possibly leave our 2 children for two nights with a trusted, excellent babysitter/nanny (who's taught me a great deal about good childrearing, I might add). We have an almost 4 YO who likes this nanny a great deal and a 6 mo.

Outside of my own family,this nanny is one of the few I'd trust to raise my kids if anything ever happened. She's all of 26 YO, engaged, wants to start a family. Not at all like I was at age 26.

So there ya go.

In your situation I'd completely do this. There's a good reason for both of you to go, and it's only a couple days. No hesitation if you trust your nanny. But I wouldn't go fir an entire week for no better reason than I'd be lonely.