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leaving 17 mo old with nanny for a few days...should we do it?
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Anonymous
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That is a lot to ask your nanny to do for a week by herself. It seems like the neighbors help is vague.
Maybe you should reward this fab nanny of yours with a vacation, and bring DH and the baby. |
Anonymous
OMG, married to a dual citizen (squeee!!!) wow, blow me over with a feather, how unique and uncommon in the DC area. Clearly you are the authority on toddler separation issues. Tell me, oh wise international one, what is the threshold for when a toddler will begin to mourn for it's mother? Is it ok to leave your child for a weekend/a workday/a piss break? If I go get a bikini wax can I expect to return home and find my kid dressed in black and writing a eulogy? |
Anonymous
| Hi OP, I say go on the trip w/ your husband, and have a fabulous time. Baby will be fine with your trusted nanny, and you can skype w/ nanny & baby. |
Anonymous
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This is an interesting article on the effects of long periods of separation on babies and toddlers. I don't really expect anyone here to care since "parenting" seems to mean something entirely different to a lot of DCUM people. But it's something to think about for anyone who does believe that maybe the decisions you make as parents will have an impact on your children even if they don't remember later in life.
http://www.naturalchild.org/peter_cook/attachment.html |
Anonymous
No, you don't need to worry. Your kid is probably damn sick of you anyway. |
Anonymous
Well I hope your definition of "parenting" isn't just limited to not traveling without your kid, because according to your cited expert, you shouldn't work either. "research shows that the more time children spend in any kind of non-maternal daycare before they are 4 1/2 years old, the more truly aggressive and disobedient they are" http://www.naturalchild.org/peter_cook/feminism.html |
Anonymous
Well that's just the type of question-dodging that I'd expect from someone married to a dual citizen. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't do it. When I travel (for work or pleasure) either I bring DS along with DH and/or nanny, depending on the circumstances, or DH and DS stay. If it were just a weekend, I would consider it but to me a week seems like too long for both parents to be away without a good reason. If you can swing it financially, just bring everyone. I know some nannies charge more for traveling than normal rates, but ours doesn't since she otherwise gets to go places she wouldn't and we stay in nicer places than she otherwise would. On a recent trip to Europe rather than rent 2 hotel rooms we arranged for a 2 bedroom apartment. It was great, and not more expensive than 2 hotel rooms. |
Anonymous
| Well, if you're asking if I would do this, the answer is no. If papa can come, so can baby. At 17 months the baby could sit on a parent's lap... can the child fly for near-free this way? |
Anonymous
| I went away for 2 weeks when my DD was 15 months. She stayed with grandparents but it was great. If you trust your nanny...go. |
Anonymous
| I have some sincere questions for the people who think that babies are fine when their parents leave them for extended periods. I really, honestly want to understand this. If a baby is too young to understand time and the fact that his/her parents will be back in a week or so (which probably feels more like a couple of months to a baby), do you think your kids love and need you at this age? If the answer is yes, do you think they know that you are coming back or do you think they forget about you for a while and eventually give up on you ever coming back? If that's the case, does this have no long term effect on your relationship with your kids? What do you think this type of separation is like for them? I just don't get it because, while of course I think it is okay for parents to go to work and return at the end of day, I have a hard time understanding why someone would think that babies are fine when you leave them for long periods of time. How would they possibly know that you love them and are coming back to them? I have 3 kids over 3 years and I never left them until they could understand the concept of coming back in a few days. Even so, it is really hard for them when I leave because they really, really feel like they need me. Maybe the relationship is just different for a lot of parents. |
Anonymous
All of your arguments could be applied to moms working too. I don't see how it's terrible for mom to leave one time for a week, but, it's perfectly ok for mom to leave everyday during the duration of the day. Don't you feel like your kids need you from 8 am to 6 pm on weekdays? Is your relationship with your child just different than the relationships SAHMs have with their kids? |
Anonymous
Well, I actually am a SAHM but I recognize that other moms want or need to work and I recognize that as long as kids have the stability of parents who return to them every day, they are fine. But they need that consistent presence of love in their lives. Nannies are hired workers. They can't replace love and stability. So it is really hard for me to understand how anyone who is truly bonded with their babies can be fine with putting them through the feelings of loss that they will experience if the people they love disappear for long periods of time. There is a difference between being gone during the day and being just plain gone for a week or two weeks. I don't see how a baby is supposed to understand that or develop a normal attachment to loved ones under those circumstances. |
Anonymous
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Op here:
Thank you for all the different perspectives. I appreciate all of the input. I have a doctorate in developmental psychology and my focus was attachment theory so I want to address that particular aspect of this thread. My child is attached to the nanny. If your child is in full-time care, I bet they too have secondary attachments to one or more caregivers. “Attachment Theory” now comes in two flavors: That of scientific pursuit (where a child can be attached to a primary and many secondary people) and backed by research and the bastardization by so-called experts. It bugs me. This is why I am balancing what’s worse for my child: a foreign trip or staying with nanny (who will be properly backed up by great neighbors who know child quite well). If I go alone, I fly one day, work one day, fly home one day. I’d miss 3-4 bedtimes probably. I’ve done a few overnight business trips already that have taken me away for two bedtimes to no negative impact that I can see. But, we’ve taken vacations as a family and my child doesn’t really sleep a lot, gets cranky, ect. Staying at home with dad is best but DH really, really wants to go to Germany with baby or without. He’s willing to take on all that responsibility. We wouldn’t take nanny since I only have to work about a half-day. I especially appreciate all of the moms who understand that this is an inner struggle for me (a FTM well over 30). My child likes routine and is not the best traveler. I don’t want to leave for 4 days but basically have to because I work and it’s part of my job. |
Anonymous
OP, you've changed your story. You said that DH voted to bring baby to Germany; you also said that you would feel better if you had DH with you. I don't see why you are trying to justify this. Your baby is young. If you go, you only have to stay a few days; if DH goes with you, you think you should stay a week. IMO, DH should stay at home with the baby and have the nanny help out at home. You will have other opportunities for international travel. I still think that you are selfish and thinking from your own narcissistic perspective. I say this also as an late-30s mom who WOTH full-time. |