Facebook and infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Went through infertility for 5 years before trying IVF and having my first child so I understand the pain HOWEVER......Facebook is a page that one should be able to do whatever they want to do with it - and if someone is going to be so sensitive to pics, comments etc then they can either choose not to go on FB if it depresses them that much or hide those ppl that post too much. It is that simple. I dont think ppl should filter what they say or do just bc it might hurt someones feelings....I think that the person that is getting hurt or annoyed needs to find a stronger way of dealing with it. I was invited to a baby shower every month that I was dealing with infertility and I was so happy for each and every friend (sad for myself) but being resentful was not going to get me pregnant. If that was the case I would not have had so many friends supporting me through it all which eventually led to a pregnancy.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all even READ the damn article? Nowhere in it did the couple say that they didn't want to see pictures of their friends children. The whole article was about PREGNANCY announcements on FB!

I don't begrudge you posting pics of your kids (hell, I do of mine after dealing with infertility) but the "I'm pregnant!" announcements are what is being discussed here. The couple mentioned they are hurt by sonogram pics, however, I hardly consider that as a shun to those of you so adamant of posting pictures of your spawn.

Seriously. You people have NO compassion.

This really highlights that the issue for people is the inability to conceive, not their lack of a child (or they would struggle with other people's children as well). I get that not being able to conceive is painful, but at a certain point people have to decide if they only want(ed) the pregnancy or if they really want to be parents.

No. I think you have misunderstood the point, yet again.
But I don't think it's possible to explain the level of pain and grief that a couple experiences when they are unable to have children. It is something that I'm pretty certain most couples take for granted.

If adoption "cured" infertility there would be more people adoption (aside from the fact that it is very costly.)

I finally conceived and delivered a beautiful DC after experiencing years of infertility. She is everything I could have ever imagined in my life.
Do I still feel a twinge of pain when I see "I'm Pregnant!" announcements from distant friends? Yes. Especially when there are comments following that the pregnancy was unplanned, etc. But I try my best to be happy for the person and I move on with my day. But I still feel pain everyday from the trials and tribulations I experienced while going through infertility.

When people ask me if we plan on having another child I'm continually reminded of my lack of fertility. I won't be able to just have sex with my husband and create life. It doesn't work that way for me. Once an infertile, always an infertile.

[Anonymous]

I hate (h8) FB for this very reason. So I deactivated my profile.

I do think you have to be somewhat respectful of others' feelings, especially those TTC. I'm no Pollyanny by any means and oftentimes I posted some irreverent status updates. But if you have friends who are struggling with conception, it's respetful not to brag about your children.

Post updated photos, of course, for relatives, for example, but watch your captions b/c even what we consider to be innocuous can be scathing to others.

[Anonymous]

don't know why Mr. Smiley intruded . . . I was trying to be clever by using the IM for hate. I guess it backfired.

Anonymous wrote:I hate (h8) FB for this very reason. So I deactivated my profile.

I do think you have to be somewhat respectful of others' feelings, especially those TTC. I'm no Pollyanny by any means and oftentimes I posted some irreverent status updates. But if you have friends who are struggling with conception, it's respetful not to brag about your children.

Post updated photos, of course, for relatives, for example, but watch your captions b/c even what we consider to be innocuous can be scathing to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate (h8) FB for this very reason. So I deactivated my profile.

I do think you have to be somewhat respectful of others' feelings, especially those TTC. I'm no Pollyanny by any means and oftentimes I posted some irreverent status updates. But if you have friends who are struggling with conception, it's respetful not to brag about your children.

Post updated photos, of course, for relatives, for example, but watch your captions b/c even what we consider to be innocuous can be scathing to others.

But should I also not post my children's milestones, because other children may be on a later schedule? Not post thanks to my husband for doing something nice, because others are having marital difficulties? Not post pictures of my children running around, because other children have disabilities? The list can quickly become endless, and ridiculous. And why especially those TTC - is it more painful than losing a parent to cancer (so I shouldn't mention I had my mother to dinner)? More painful than having a child with a serious disease (so I shouldn't mention that my child is getting over a cold)?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people are attacking the infertile posters. They have all agreed with the point that FB is public and you filter what you see by hiding what's painful for you. (Apart, of course, from the OP's friend).

Most of the bitterness and lack of compassion seems to be coming from those with kids. The infertile ladies seem to be ready to stand in others shoes and not force others to compromise coz of their disease, but the fertile ladies seem to be jumping down their throats for even talking about it!

[Anonymous]

I never said to go to the extreme. But these posts that go overboard with how wonderful hubby is and how gifted daughter is and how son earned a full scholarship to Ivy League School Y are sickening. I was so turned off by these posts that I took myself out of the FB lifestyle.

I do believe that most of the people on FB are lonely and so hungry for attention. If you're husband is that great, why do you feel the need to brag about him? There's no point. Give him some good sex as a thank you. Posting it on your FB page amounts to nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate (h8) FB for this very reason. So I deactivated my profile.

I do think you have to be somewhat respectful of others' feelings, especially those TTC. I'm no Pollyanny by any means and oftentimes I posted some irreverent status updates. But if you have friends who are struggling with conception, it's respetful not to brag about your children.

Post updated photos, of course, for relatives, for example, but watch your captions b/c even what we consider to be innocuous can be scathing to others.

But should I also not post my children's milestones, because other children may be on a later schedule? Not post thanks to my husband for doing something nice, because others are having marital difficulties? Not post pictures of my children running around, because other children have disabilities? The list can quickly become endless, and ridiculous. And why especially those TTC - is it more painful than losing a parent to cancer (so I shouldn't mention I had my mother to dinner)? More painful than having a child with a serious disease (so I shouldn't mention that my child is getting over a cold)?

[Anonymous]

sorry, grammar police
YOUR

Anonymous wrote:I never said to go to the extreme. But these posts that go overboard with how wonderful hubby is and how gifted daughter is and how son earned a full scholarship to Ivy League School Y are sickening. I was so turned off by these posts that I took myself out of the FB lifestyle.

I do believe that most of the people on FB are lonely and so hungry for attention. If you're husband is that great, why do you feel the need to brag about him? There's no point. Give him some good sex as a thank you. Posting it on your FB page amounts to nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate (h8) FB for this very reason. So I deactivated my profile.

I do think you have to be somewhat respectful of others' feelings, especially those TTC. I'm no Pollyanny by any means and oftentimes I posted some irreverent status updates. But if you have friends who are struggling with conception, it's respetful not to brag about your children.

Post updated photos, of course, for relatives, for example, but watch your captions b/c even what we consider to be innocuous can be scathing to others.

But should I also not post my children's milestones, because other children may be on a later schedule? Not post thanks to my husband for doing something nice, because others are having marital difficulties? Not post pictures of my children running around, because other children have disabilities? The list can quickly become endless, and ridiculous. And why especially those TTC - is it more painful than losing a parent to cancer (so I shouldn't mention I had my mother to dinner)? More painful than having a child with a serious disease (so I shouldn't mention that my child is getting over a cold)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are attacking the infertile posters. They have all agreed with the point that FB is public and you filter what you see by hiding what's painful for you. (Apart, of course, from the OP's friend).

Most of the bitterness and lack of compassion seems to be coming from those with kids. The infertile ladies seem to be ready to stand in others shoes and not force others to compromise coz of their disease, but the fertile ladies seem to be jumping down their throats for even talking about it!

Yes! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Adoption is about as costly as a single IVF treatment, which many people are willing to go through many cycles of over the course of years: $10,000 to $20,000 in most cases. Yes, it takes time and certainly more time if you are only looking for a newborn of your racial makeup.

I did say that it only "cures" infertility for people who want any child more than they want a child of their own biology; clearly there are many people not in that category. Since the poster I responded to emphasized that the issue was the pregnancy and not the children, it seems that the people for whom this is hard are in the other camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is about as costly as a single IVF treatment, which many people are willing to go through many cycles of over the course of years: $10,000 to $20,000 in most cases. Yes, it takes time and certainly more time if you are only looking for a newborn of your racial makeup.

I did say that it only "cures" infertility for people who want any child more than they want a child of their own biology; clearly there are many people not in that category. Since the poster I responded to emphasized that the issue was the pregnancy and not the children, it seems that the people for whom this is hard are in the other camp.

I was the poster you quoted and I was also the person who responded saying that adoption isn't a cure.

My issue was with the pregnancy because my body had failed to do the one thing it was supposedly built to do. It's more of a personal failure at seeing a pregnant belly and knowing that your body is incapable of creating life like 93% of the Earth's population. Knowing that you've failed on a very deep level, the ability to conceive.

The reason that babies didn't bother me was primarily the fact that I couldn't see past the pregnancy (and the lack of the ability to conceive) to even worry about step #2 - the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I love you, whoever you are. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Being able to bear children is something most women dream about when they are growing up. It's a logical progression: love, marriage, baby carriage. To have that taken from you is a horrible, life-changing experience. Then to witness other people bear children, people who don't love and appreciate that gift like you feel you would, adds salt to the wound. Now, I'm not saying that people should limit what they post on Facebook because it may or may not hurt a friend who is infertile. But you shouldn't brush off others feelings as self-pity and jealousy. I guarantee that if you spent just one week as me and felt the pain that I do in my heart, you wouldn't be able to function.

I feel for you. You are obviously a close-minded individual who doesn't appreciate the gift of fertility. I sincerely hope that, if you do have children, none of them grow up and struggle to conceive. Because they are in for a rude awakening if this is the "advice" you have to offer.

New poster, but that bolded part threw me. Unless you are talking about drug addicts who get pregnant and or women who abuse their children, I'm not quite following you. Do you honestly think your FB friends are somehow not as appreciative of their children as you would be? I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think that is a really, really unkind thought to have. And I am willing to bet that kind of thinking is not helping you.

You obviously know nothing about infertility if you think that my thoughts about people who don't appreciate their kids are what's making me infertile. Biology and science are what make me, and my husband, infertile. Not my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Also, you stuck words in my mouth - I in no way, shape, or form said "My Facebook friends don't appreciate their kids." No, I have friends who do love and appreciate their children. But the people who go on Facebook and constantly bitch and moan about how miserable life is because they have kids? Yes, I do question whether they truly appreciate parenthood. I never said "all people who bear children" or "all people don't love and appreciate their children unless they are infertile."

ITA with this statement. There is nothing more hurtful to someone who experiencing the pain of infertility than to read about her "friends" who do nothing but bitch and moan about their children publicly. It's my thought that if you shouldn't publicly humiliate your children on a daily basis by bitching about how they inconvenience you by crying, having colic, etc. I read at least one FB update daily from different friends who do nothing but complain. When I'm reading this on a constant basis I do assume that they don't appreciate the gift they've been given.


Sorry to say this and it will be unpopular: You are being too sensitive. You're interpreting a human emotion (frustration or anger or whatever) as some sort of reflection that they do not appreciate their life and kids. That is horribly unfair and a pretty ugly observation.
Bitching and moaning about life -yes, even the precious kids- is allowed. Sometimes it is (gasp!) even warranted. If you cannot understand that -and while infertile couples have my sympathy- then you are to sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are attacking the infertile posters. They have all agreed with the point that FB is public and you filter what you see by hiding what's painful for you. (Apart, of course, from the OP's friend).

Most of the bitterness and lack of compassion seems to be coming from those with kids. The infertile ladies seem to be ready to stand in others shoes and not force others to compromise coz of their disease, but the fertile ladies seem to be jumping down their throats for even talking about it!

Yes! Thank you!

I don't agree. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are attacking the infertile posters. They have all agreed with the point that FB is public and you filter what you see by hiding what's painful for you. (Apart, of course, from the OP's friend).

Most of the bitterness and lack of compassion seems to be coming from those with kids. The infertile ladies seem to be ready to stand in others shoes and not force others to compromise coz of their disease, but the fertile ladies seem to be jumping down their throats for even talking about it!

Yes! Thank you!

I don't agree. At all.

Neither do I. All the posts here, save for one, have been really sympathetic. Fertile and infertile and formerly infertile posters have all said that yeah, it sucks and it hurts, but you either have to deal with it or log off Facebook or hide the potentially hurtful posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are attacking the infertile posters. They have all agreed with the point that FB is public and you filter what you see by hiding what's painful for you. (Apart, of course, from the OP's friend).

Most of the bitterness and lack of compassion seems to be coming from those with kids. The infertile ladies seem to be ready to stand in others shoes and not force others to compromise coz of their disease, but the fertile ladies seem to be jumping down their throats for even talking about it!

Yes! Thank you!

The discussion turned when someone implied when parents moan about parenthood they are taking their kids for granted and that somehow if she has kids she will appreciate them. As a parent, this is really off-putting and rude and definitely not trying to stand in other's shoes. We all think that we will never get angry or frustrated with our kids and we all judge the parents we see until we experience a rough day ourselves. It was not fair and people responded accordingly.