Facebook and infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dealt with infertility for many years and just had my first child. I read the WP article when it came out and yes, I also posted it on my FB page. I'm sure I'll get flamed by those who don't understand the pain of infertility, but for me, it's not the pictures of others children that upset me. Mainly it's the ultrasound pictures, the pregnant belly pictures and the constant references to pregnancy that bother me.

You mentioned that you loved looking at pics of kids before you got pregnant, but for an infertile, it's much harder to see a reality unfolding that you might never have.

Infertility is a very real disease and with it comes social stigma and pain. Many people don't understand how to best comfort a friend or family member who is struggling with infertility. Moreover, many infertiles don't share their problems publicly for fear of shame.

Again, for me it wasn't seeing pics of others kids, it was moreover the pregnancy images that were so hurtful. If I was being inundated by constant bitching from a pregnant "friend" on facebook about how miserable she was from morning sickness or something, I'd just "hide" that friend so I couldn't see her updates. Problem solved.

In addition, to compare infertility to someone who hasn't married isn't necessarily a fair comparison. Infertility is a medical condition.

This is a great link from Resolve, the National Infertility Association on "etiquette"
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Infertility is a medical condition not a disease and it is not a stigma. If you can't have children then adopt some of the hundreds of thousands of children in this country who need a home and love. Can Are you only able to love only those you give birth to? I am so sick of hearing about the plight of infertility because far too often it is your fault because you waited until your late 30's early 40's to have children Being able to bear or sire children is not a God-given right. If someone wants to show pics of their children on Facebook they should do so and you and OP don't have to look at them. Frankly, you sound like you love wallowing in self-pity and are jealous and envious of women who are fertile.

I'm the poster you quoted.

You're a very disillusioned person if you think adoption is a cure for infertility.

The sad part is that you probably have children. I bet you never thought twice about adoption before you conceived your own child.

PS - I'm 30 yrs. old and I didn't wait until my "late 30's or early 40's" to have children.

... Jerk ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Infertility is a medical condition not a disease and it is not a stigma. If you can't have children then adopt some of the hundreds of thousands of children in this country who need a home and love. Can Are you only able to love only those you give birth to? I am so sick of hearing about the plight of infertility because far too often it is your fault because you waited until your late 30's early 40's to have children Being able to bear or sire children is not a God-given right. If someone wants to show pics of their children on Facebook they should do so and you and OP don't have to look at them. Frankly, you sound like you love wallowing in self-pity and are jealous and envious of women who are fertile.

Is there a running contest for Cunt of The Year? I believe we have a winner.

I love you, whoever you are. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Why is it the infertiles' responsibility to adopt all of the children who need a home? While I am looking at adoption myself, it's because I want to - not because I feel some sort of obligation to. Also, please don't stereotype infertility as something that only affects older women. I am 25, and I will likely never bear children naturally.

Being able to bear children is something most women dream about when they are growing up. It's a logical progression: love, marriage, baby carriage. To have that taken from you is a horrible, life-changing experience. Then to witness other people bear children, people who don't love and appreciate that gift like you feel you would, adds salt to the wound. Now, I'm not saying that people should limit what they post on Facebook because it may or may not hurt a friend who is infertile. But you shouldn't brush off others feelings as self-pity and jealousy. I guarantee that if you spent just one week as me and felt the pain that I do in my heart, you wouldn't be able to function.

I feel for you. You are obviously a close-minded individual who doesn't appreciate the gift of fertility. I sincerely hope that, if you do have children, none of them grow up and struggle to conceive. Because they are in for a rude awakening if this is the "advice" you have to offer.

[Anonymous]

Went through infertility for 5 years before trying IVF and having my first child so I understand the pain HOWEVER......Facebook is a page that one should be able to do whatever they want to do with it - and if someone is going to be so sensitive to pics, comments etc then they can either choose not to go on FB if it depresses them that much or hide those ppl that post too much. It is that simple. I dont think ppl should filter what they say or do just bc it might hurt someones feelings....I think that the person that is getting hurt or annoyed needs to find a stronger way of dealing with it. I was invited to a baby shower every month that I was dealing with infertility and I was so happy for each and every friend (sad for myself) but being resentful was not going to get me pregnant. If that was the case I would not have had so many friends supporting me through it all which eventually led to a pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

And what about women who married men who are infertile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And what about women who married men who are infertile?

According to the ignorant poster above, anyone experiencing infertility (male or female) should just adopt. Because that will miraculously solve all of their problems.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read three pages of responses or the WaPo article, so I'm just responding to OP here. I have a good friend who was struggling with infertility. While I didn't give much thought to facebook specifically, I did give a lot of thought to how we discussed the baby with our friends when we found out it was coming. We told them early on, before we were telling most people, and asked them to keep it a secret, because we shared that we were worrying about miscarrying. We shared our fears as well as our joy with them, but we had planned not to discuss it at every turn after telling them. We'd thought for a while about how to share it. When we did, the husband exclaimed: "holy ___, you're pregnant already? You've been trying for exactly one month (which was correct) and we've been trying for three years. No fair!" Then they hugged us and told us how happy they were for us. I just said to them what I thought was true, that I had a good feeling they were going to get good news, soon. Of course I had no way of knowing if that was true, but if wishing someone well and praying for them can help, we did everything we could.

I was so glad they said exactly what they were thinking so we didn't have to "worry" about what they might be thinking of read between the lines. We were also really relieved when they got pregnant shortly afterwards. Their baby is just four months younger than ours. Now my son is a year and a half and we have other friends who we know to be "trying" (and it's been a few years). I actually AM conscious of how they feel on facebook, but really it's a reflection of how life is going. Most of their friends, not just us, are having babies. When they go to a barbecue, they're among mostly families now whereas two or three years ago we were all mostly couples. But I hope and believe that in a few years time, they, too will have a family. (I'm not discounting the fact that some people can never conceive -- just expressing my hope).

Another story yet is a friend who has had many miscarriages. One early miscarriage, then one stillbirth at 23 weeks, then a late loss at 16 weeks. She was pregnant with the 16 week miscarriage when I became pregnant with my child. I am always conscious of that, but when she told me her sad news, she said "some of my friends don't know what to say, and that's okay. But just don't stop talking to me. And please don't stop sharing pictures and stories about your baby. That's where your life is now, and we are friends, so that's part of my life. (I'm paraphrasing). That woman is one of the strongest people I know.

So with these friends having difficulties, I'm sure there are dozens more among my facebook friends who haven't mentioned the same difficulties. I feel for them. But facebook is about sharing what's happening in your life. One of the only reasons I'm on facebook is to share news about me and my family with my extended family and friends I don't see as often as I used to see. I try not to list every dull moment "third sonogram today" or much about parenting, but I do share pictures of my son. And I did post a pic of my 20 week sono when it was taken. I don't think it's cruel and heartless not to do this, any more than it is cruel and heartless to talk about running if a friend has a heart condition or an amputation. However, if you cross the line into gloating "look at me, I'm soooo fertile, it only took me a month to conceive my son!" then that's a different story.

Also, if a good friend DID share with me that my posts were making her feel bad, I'd try to tone it down. Even though I don't think that's really her right to ask, I think someone's feelings trump what's "right" to do on facebook, etc.

OP and others -- my heart is with you all for the family you want! Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

I love you, whoever you are. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Being able to bear children is something most women dream about when they are growing up. It's a logical progression: love, marriage, baby carriage. To have that taken from you is a horrible, life-changing experience. Then to witness other people bear children, people who don't love and appreciate that gift like you feel you would, adds salt to the wound. Now, I'm not saying that people should limit what they post on Facebook because it may or may not hurt a friend who is infertile. But you shouldn't brush off others feelings as self-pity and jealousy. I guarantee that if you spent just one week as me and felt the pain that I do in my heart, you wouldn't be able to function.

I feel for you. You are obviously a close-minded individual who doesn't appreciate the gift of fertility. I sincerely hope that, if you do have children, none of them grow up and struggle to conceive. Because they are in for a rude awakening if this is the "advice" you have to offer.

New poster, but that bolded part threw me. Unless you are talking about drug addicts who get pregnant and or women who abuse their children, I'm not quite following you. Do you honestly think your FB friends are somehow not as appreciative of their children as you would be? I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think that is a really, really unkind thought to have. And I am willing to bet that kind of thinking is not helping you.

[Anonymous]

OP, back to your original question.

I had a three year struggle which included surgeries, losses, and multiple rounds of IVF for DC#1. Am now going through the mill hoping for a second child. Facebook posts don't bother me, as I see that as the public arena. I would rather friends post publicly on facebook, when I can decide to view information or not rather than being surprised by a group e-mail with a sono that I feel expects some sort of reply from me.

Other friends' pregnancy announcements were always bittersweet to me. I did best if I had a discreet email before heir in person announcement, and when I saw them in person, if they let me guide how much "preggo" talk I could handle on any particular day. And we actually did talk about their babies a lot. The tact and gentlenss was appreciated, and I hope that they felt their gestures have been reciprocated over the years.

But would I expect a blackout of information on facebook? Never. That's not my private space.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with IF for many years and I'm pretty sensitive about announcements, but I generally think it's up to me to self-screen, not my friends/family. The only announcement I begrudge in all my years was the one in which the mom-to-be was featured in a photograph wearing a shirt that said "My superpower: I make people" or something like that. It's one thing to be happy and to celebrate, it's a little different to be so oblivious to your audience to not realize that at least someone reading your announcement can't conceive. Saying your pregnant and excited about being pregnant and having a child is not the same as saying you're special because you can achieve a BFP. I'm sure she just thought it was a cute/funny shirt, and I didn't really care that much, but I think it reflected poor judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I love you, whoever you are. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Being able to bear children is something most women dream about when they are growing up. It's a logical progression: love, marriage, baby carriage. To have that taken from you is a horrible, life-changing experience. Then to witness other people bear children, people who don't love and appreciate that gift like you feel you would, adds salt to the wound. Now, I'm not saying that people should limit what they post on Facebook because it may or may not hurt a friend who is infertile. But you shouldn't brush off others feelings as self-pity and jealousy. I guarantee that if you spent just one week as me and felt the pain that I do in my heart, you wouldn't be able to function.

I feel for you. You are obviously a close-minded individual who doesn't appreciate the gift of fertility. I sincerely hope that, if you do have children, none of them grow up and struggle to conceive. Because they are in for a rude awakening if this is the "advice" you have to offer.

New poster, but that bolded part threw me. Unless you are talking about drug addicts who get pregnant and or women who abuse their children, I'm not quite following you. Do you honestly think your FB friends are somehow not as appreciative of their children as you would be? I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think that is a really, really unkind thought to have. And I am willing to bet that kind of thinking is not helping you.

You obviously know nothing about infertility if you think that my thoughts about people who don't appreciate their kids are what's making me infertile. Biology and science are what make me, and my husband, infertile. Not my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Also, you stuck words in my mouth - I in no way, shape, or form said "My Facebook friends don't appreciate their kids." No, I have friends who do love and appreciate their children. But the people who go on Facebook and constantly bitch and moan about how miserable life is because they have kids? Yes, I do question whether they truly appreciate parenthood. I never said "all people who bear children" or "all people don't love and appreciate their children unless they are infertile."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I love you, whoever you are. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Being able to bear children is something most women dream about when they are growing up. It's a logical progression: love, marriage, baby carriage. To have that taken from you is a horrible, life-changing experience. Then to witness other people bear children, people who don't love and appreciate that gift like you feel you would, adds salt to the wound. Now, I'm not saying that people should limit what they post on Facebook because it may or may not hurt a friend who is infertile. But you shouldn't brush off others feelings as self-pity and jealousy. I guarantee that if you spent just one week as me and felt the pain that I do in my heart, you wouldn't be able to function.

I feel for you. You are obviously a close-minded individual who doesn't appreciate the gift of fertility. I sincerely hope that, if you do have children, none of them grow up and struggle to conceive. Because they are in for a rude awakening if this is the "advice" you have to offer.

New poster, but that bolded part threw me. Unless you are talking about drug addicts who get pregnant and or women who abuse their children, I'm not quite following you. Do you honestly think your FB friends are somehow not as appreciative of their children as you would be? I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think that is a really, really unkind thought to have. And I am willing to bet that kind of thinking is not helping you.

You obviously know nothing about infertility if you think that my thoughts about people who don't appreciate their kids are what's making me infertile. Biology and science are what make me, and my husband, infertile. Not my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Also, you stuck words in my mouth - I in no way, shape, or form said "My Facebook friends don't appreciate their kids." No, I have friends who do love and appreciate their children. But the people who go on Facebook and constantly bitch and moan about how miserable life is because they have kids? Yes, I do question whether they truly appreciate parenthood. I never said "all people who bear children" or "all people don't love and appreciate their children unless they are infertile."

ITA with this statement. There is nothing more hurtful to someone who experiencing the pain of infertility than to read about her "friends" who do nothing but bitch and moan about their children publicly. It's my thought that if you shouldn't publicly humiliate your children on a daily basis by bitching about how they inconvenience you by crying, having colic, etc. I read at least one FB update daily from different friends who do nothing but complain. When I'm reading this on a constant basis I do assume that they don't appreciate the gift they've been given.

[Anonymous]

15:26, you misunderstood my post if you thought I was saying your thoughts control your infertility. Uh, no. Not what I was saying. My point was your thoughts aren't helping you feel better or get through a tough time.

Bitching and moaning about parenthood, marriage, etc. is normal and allowed. No one has a perfect life. I am impatient and get frustrated with my child, and that's allowed. It has NOTHING to do with not loving or appreciating my child. And you have NO IDEA what other people have gone through. Life is tough for most of us. You have a cross to bear and I have mine and almost every human does. You haven't walked in anyone else's shoes. So does a mom whose child has a disability not allowed to have her moments of pain and her "what ifs" if she got pregnant easily? It is one thing to be respectful of others, it is another thing to expect someone not to complain about something because you are having a hard time with it.

[Anonymous]

Asking your whole circle on Facebook to be sensitive to your personal concerns is a bit much, in my opinion. If your friend finds it too painful to see people's posts about their children, she should either hide those people from her feed or she should stay off Facebook.

I say this as someone who experienced infertility. Facebook is not the same as "real life". Through their posts and pictures, people are communicating with a large group of friends/contacts at the same time and can not be expected to filter their content to be sensitive to everyone's concerns. One-on-one or smaller group interactions are difffent, of course. There people who know about a friend's infertility should certainly be more sensitive.

[Anonymous]

An honest question: I've noticed that at least one poster who is struggling with infertility and has not had a child is posting on this thread. If Facebook is an issue for you, how is a parenting forum not painful? It is one thing to get an unexpected post about pregnancy from Facebook, and quite another to be on a web forum for parenting. I realize there is a TTC forum, but that is not this forum. Did it come up on an internet search? Just trying to understand, it seems like an incredibly painful thing to put yourself through if Facebook is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:26, you misunderstood my post if you thought I was saying your thoughts control your infertility. Uh, no. Not what I was saying. My point was your thoughts aren't helping you feel better or get through a tough time.

Bitching and moaning about parenthood, marriage, etc. is normal and allowed. No one has a perfect life. I am impatient and get frustrated with my child, and that's allowed. It has NOTHING to do with not loving or appreciating my child. And you have NO IDEA what other people have gone through. Life is tough for most of us. You have a cross to bear and I have mine and almost every human does. You haven't walked in anyone else's shoes. So does a mom whose child has a disability not allowed to have her moments of pain and her "what ifs" if she got pregnant easily? It is one thing to be respectful of others, it is another thing to expect someone not to complain about something because you are having a hard time with it.

I'm not 15:26 but I'm not sure you understand the point. You make a correlation about a child who has a disability and the mother who has her moments of "pain" or "what-ifs" - here is the difference. People will validate and sympathize with that mother regarding her pain. If she needs to vent about her frustruations, people will not chastize her for those feelings. They will not tell her to think more positive and "good things will come".

With infertility, people tend to assume (as evidenced by PP in this very post) that you don't have a god-given right to have children, that you should suck up your pain and just move on with life. It's not that simple.