Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Op, only you know why clothes are important to her. Is she low on dopamine? Is he easily impressed?
Most UMC class and rich kids don't really care what they wear. They like to shop at drift stores and look homeless.
It's all about 6/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she needs a job. Even if she's not 16, she can babysit or petsit.

+1. I don’t think this is uncommon teen girl behavior but agree with the job suggestion. We pushed most of the wants to her own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

My 12 yo hung flyers and landed a couple of regular babysitting gigs. She's saved up over $500 from babysitting.

Who is hiring an unknown 12 yr old to baby sit based on a flyer?

Families with toddlers in preschoolers in the neighborhood. She had to interview. It started as a mother's helper gig and as they gained confidence in her it's moved to babysitting. Then her name is shared with friends.

[Anonymous]

If she is okay with thrifting, introduce her to Depop. Per DD, it has all the brands without the hefty price tags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

My 12 yo hung flyers and landed a couple of regular babysitting gigs. She's saved up over $500 from babysitting.

Who is hiring an unknown 12 yr old to baby sit based on a flyer?

Presumably someone did. She could have references. The point is, there are ways this kid can earn money if they want more or different stuff than mom and dad will pay for more than they want not to work. Be a mother's helper when the mom is home and work up from there. Or 2 kids knocked on my door the other day offering to wash my car. Shovel snow, pull weeds, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

My 12 yo hung flyers and landed a couple of regular babysitting gigs. She's saved up over $500 from babysitting.

Who is hiring an unknown 12 yr old to baby sit based on a flyer?

Presumably someone did. She could have references. The point is, there are ways this kid can earn money if they want more or different stuff than mom and dad will pay for more than they want not to work. Be a mother's helper when the mom is home and work up from there. Or 2 kids knocked on my door the other day offering to wash my car. Shovel snow, pull weeds, whatever.

Meh my 12 yr old is just a kid. She doesn’t have a lot of downtime to work. She has her own activities, hobbies, homework and in her free time she hangs out with her own friends. I will buy her the backpack or pants once in awhile because she’s a good kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The school has uniforms. But we have since learned that you can still spend $$$ on a pleated skirt and polo shirts. This is the part that makes no sense we can buy two skirts that look very similar but as soon as she looks at the tag then the "expensive" skirt is the better one.
To the pp my wife thinks the same thing would happen in public school and thats why she's against moving DD.
The budget starts this week. We'll see how it goes.

She doesn’t like you to buy the same clothes on sale because she wishes she were rich. It’s not about the quality of the clothes. It’s about the ability to spend money. It’s a values issue and some people struggle with it more than others. I agree that private school probably makes things worse. But there are always going to be people who are richer than you, and being focused on money to that degree makes life hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

You are part of the problem

She’s 13 not 3. Target clothes are geared towards elementary school kids.

It’s funny, Lululemon is not as big a trend anymore for that age group. You get a break there because they have more sales. Alo is the popular brand and they are more expensive although much better quality.

The on sale thing is odd. Who doesn’t want a discounted price? Unless it was the ugly color that no one wanted of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Moving her to public school isn't going to solve your problems. Public school kids care about the right brands too.

Eh...I wasn't say it's as pervasive in public school. I have experience in both.

In private school and public school there will be groups of girls who are into fashion or superficial things like labels and groups of girls that aren’t. She trying to fit into a group that judges people on what they wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Moving her to public school isn't going to solve your problems. Public school kids care about the right brands too.

Eh...I wasn't say it's as pervasive in public school. I have experience in both.

In private school and public school there will be groups of girls who are into fashion or superficial things like labels and groups of girls that aren’t. She trying to fit into a group that judges people on what they wear.

Exactly. The solution is figuring out who she is. She's trying on (pun intended) lululemon because everyone else is, but you also don't want her to reject lululemon only because her parents don't value it. She needs to work out her own values.

Budgeting should help with not only finances but also with the ownership of who she wants to be. As would deciding to get a job and going through the process of figuring out what job she's qualified to do and then whether it's worth it, etc.

[Anonymous]

You can lifeguard once you are fifteen. The beauty of an hourly wage is that they can they calculate how long they would have to work to earn enough money to buy a particular item.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I translate the cost of what my DD wants into my hourly pay, and I call it “time I spent sitting at my desk working.” I also clue my DD in to other costs that she doesn’t really think about, like property taxes, utilities, and so on. I also encourage her to work hard at school so she can do well, get a good job, and buy herself the things she wants when she’s an adult.

I agree with the suggestions to give your DD a budget and some requirements (like not buying cheap crap that will shrink the first time you wash it, or not buying child-labor SHEIN). She also should be told explicitly that there’s no more money but if she wants to earn her own spending money, that’s a great way to supplement what you pay for.
Talk to her about savings, what happens when people retire and don’t earn a salary anymore, emergency fund, and budgeting. Tell your DD that you understand she wants certain things, but there’s always going to be that next thing that’s a “must-have.” Also talk to her about gratitude and the idea that she is already so much better off than the vast majority of the population. Educate her on her immense privilege.

When is her birthday? Sounds like maybe it’s time to switch over to gift cards, money, and shopping trips as her presents.

[Anonymous]

My 12 yo DD is exactly like this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does nobody remember being a kid? Wanting to fit in and have the right stuff isn’t new. My MIL was a hard ass about this stuff with my husband only buying the cheapest off brand stuff. Now she regrets it. My husband had a doting grandmother who took him back to school shopping and bought him what he actually wanted.

But this doesn’t sound like what is happening. It sounds like OP’s kid does get expensive stuff *sometimes. But that isn’t good enough for her. She wants all expensive brand, all the time, and frequent change up to match current trend. Hard no to that, regardless of income. This is entitled brat behavior. Let her have a fit- don’t care. She can save her money and buy what she wants and wait for occasions to receive gifts and an annual back to school trip that includes some items she really wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

My 12 yo hung flyers and landed a couple of regular babysitting gigs. She's saved up over $500 from babysitting.

Who is hiring an unknown 12 yr old to baby sit based on a flyer?

Presumably someone did. She could have references. The point is, there are ways this kid can earn money if they want more or different stuff than mom and dad will pay for more than they want not to work. Be a mother's helper when the mom is home and work up from there. Or 2 kids knocked on my door the other day offering to wash my car. Shovel snow, pull weeds, whatever.

Meh my 12 yr old is just a kid. She doesn’t have a lot of downtime to work. She has her own activities, hobbies, homework and in her free time she hangs out with her own friends. I will buy her the backpack or pants once in awhile because she’s a good kid.

I'm not saying anyone has to get a job. My own kid doesn't have a job. I'm just saying there are ways she can make money if she wants to.