Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

So find other childcare. Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.

I’m planning to talk with her about what would work best. One option I’m considering is enrolling the two older kids in aftercare, so she would only need to focus on the younger two. I really don’t feel like I’m asking for too much. When I was growing up, my grandma cared for me and my five siblings, so I also feel like it’s reasonable for her to do the same, or to see if one of my siblings might be able to help out as well.

Just because your grandma did something doesn't mean that your mom owes you the same. Nor do any siblings. Don't have so many kids if you can't figure out how to care for them without inconveniencing relatives. Be a SAHM as you previously suggested, or get a nanny if you don't want them going to daycare. Your mom has already saved you tens of thousands of dollars in the unpaid labor she has provided you over the years.

[Anonymous]

OP has got to be a troll. Her subsequent posts are absurd.

[Anonymous]

Troll or not, mom should have notified you when she booked the trip (notice, not asking for permission). The decision to be passive-aggressive and announce it at the last minute actually sounds like advice she would have received here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

So find other childcare. Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.

I’m planning to talk with her about what would work best. One option I’m considering is enrolling the two older kids in aftercare, so she would only need to focus on the younger two. I really don’t feel like I’m asking for too much. When I was growing up, my grandma cared for me and my five siblings, so I also feel like it’s reasonable for her to do the same, or to see if one of my siblings might be able to help out as well.

That is still too much. You need her to be your back up care and not your primary care. Final another primary care person.

[Anonymous]

If your children are calling her mom, then she is missing out on being a grandmother.

Have her be your back up and get other child care as primary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

So find other childcare. Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.

I’m planning to talk with her about what would work best. One option I’m considering is enrolling the two older kids in aftercare, so she would only need to focus on the younger two. I really don’t feel like I’m asking for too much. When I was growing up, my grandma cared for me and my five siblings, so I also feel like it’s reasonable for her to do the same, or to see if one of my siblings might be able to help out as well.

You had 4 kids in 5 years and your only day care plan was your mom???

[Anonymous]

Could you be any more entitled, OP? Hope your mom tells you to take a flying leap.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like your mom was basically having a breakdown and needed a vacation. Even my nanny got a vacation and she only cared for 2 of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, better she takes a vacation and taking care of herself than doing this...

In a widely reported incident from November 2010, a Virginia grandmother. Toddler dies after grandmother allegedly throws her off; she was 50 and sentenced to 35 years in jail!

Please make sure your mom is in good mental health & physical health; you have a lot of children OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

Human garbage?

Those are really biting words. Yes the OP sounds entitled and there’s nothing wrong that. You can find better ways of stating while maintaining dignity.

OP's subsequent posts prove me right. She does not recognize her mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

You are full of crap that it's amazing you aren't choking on it. PAY HER

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or pay someone! Don’t ask your siblings!

My youngest sibling is only 24, living alone, she could also help babysit, and I’d pay her. I could also start paying my mother. I just don’t want to put my kids in daycare, I’d rather be a SAHM.

I can guarantee you that a 24 year old does not want to babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or pay someone! Don’t ask your siblings!

My youngest sibling is only 24, living alone, she could also help babysit, and I’d pay her. I could also start paying my mother. I just don’t want to put my kids in daycare, I’d rather be a SAHM.

I can guarantee you that a 24 year old does not want to babysit.

Nor would she know how to handle 4 kids at once.

[Anonymous]

My mom was also my primary childcare which was the reason I only had two. She informed me in no uncertain terms that she could not care for more than two kids and if I were to have a third it would be unforgivably selfish. So i honored that.
Now my kids are in elementary, my dad’s health has failed and she can’t help me at ALL due to taking care of my dad.
So you always need a backup plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

Wow, she's been taken advantage of. She is entitled to a vacation and also to having her own life and payment for her work.

Put your kids in standard daycare if you want reliability.

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