Why do so many people think it's okay to flake last minute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

Obviously, if someone is a really good friend with a track record of being reliable and they are legit going through illness or something, duh, I don't write them off. But that is nowhere close to what's happening most of the time.

And that's pretty obvious by reading this thread. Lots of entitled people making up excuses that largely exist only in their own minds.

[Anonymous]

The people who are too busy to come to my home magically have the time if I’m hosting at a nice restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

Look, I don’t flake on things I have responded yes to, but you don’t get to order that people need to put aside their mental health so your party can be full. Life is complicated, and while I will do everything I can do that I can honor my commitments, sometimes it can be too much for some people. Also, frankly, they don’t like you as much as they need to help themselves. You can either find that hurtful or informative of how your friends feel.

Social connections help mental health. This has been proven over and over again in research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

It’s different when you cancel and say, “I so appreciate your invitation, but I’m not feeling like I can mingle today. The grief feels like a tidal wave. Thanks for your support and enjoy!”

But, most people don’t decline in that way. Even DH complains that his friends will respond to an invitation saying, “Out of town that day.” Never a bummer, or thanks, or let’s try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

No... people have always had things going on in their lives. What changed is that they do not prioritize courtesy. If someone has a health emergency, that is a legitimate excuse for backing out of an RSVP. Otherwise, you think about the "things going on in your life" before you respond.

[Anonymous]

This is me. I am barely hanging on. There are times when I can’t make commitments and rather than killing myself just to not appear rude, I cancel. I’ve come to accept this is my life. It is what it is.

Cancelling is rude. The polite thing to do is know your limits and decline in the first place.

[Anonymous]

No, the polite thing to do is to offer another time, another date. You initiate -other- plans

[Anonymous]

When you're the one that cancels, it means you try extra hard and take the initiative, by doing something, to advance the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

Look, I don’t flake on things I have responded yes to, but you don’t get to order that people need to put aside their mental health so your party can be full. Life is complicated, and while I will do everything I can do that I can honor my commitments, sometimes it can be too much for some people. Also, frankly, they don’t like you as much as they need to help themselves. You can either find that hurtful or informative of how your friends feel.

Social connections help mental health. This has been proven over and over again in research.

It should be like going to the gym, we don't love it but we know we need to. Canceling is a cop out. Prioritizing your mental health by quitting isn't going to help anyone get out of the funk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

+1

Ironically the perpetual flakes get most offended when they aren’t invited to everything. At least in my experience. Entitled dead weight is the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

+1

Ironically the perpetual flakes get most offended when they aren’t invited to everything. At least in my experience. Entitled dead weight is the worst.

They definitely expect you to put your own needs aside to cater to theirs. It’s a one way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

They ain't flaking on the Obamas, if you catch my drift. They are literally telling at you they don't value you and frankly don't give a s*** about you. Actions speak far louder than phony texts and chit-chat when you see them.

+1. You don't matter to them, CLEARLY. I don't know why people continue to bend over backwards for "friends" who make it CLEAR you are a nobody to them. Spare me the anxiety crap, you're a grown man or woman. And as PP said, if this was an invite by someone extremely influential and high status, they'd NEVER in a million years flake. But you all keep befriending "friends" who do this over and over and over? Cut them out of your life and focus on people who actually value you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is me. I am barely hanging on. There are times when I can’t make commitments and rather than killing myself just to not appear rude, I cancel. I’ve come to accept this is my life. It is what it is.

No one knows about what's going on in my life.

Give people a break op. You have no idea what people are surviving right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is me. I am barely hanging on. There are times when I can’t make commitments and rather than killing myself just to not appear rude, I cancel. I’ve come to accept this is my life. It is what it is.

No one knows about what's going on in my life.

Give people a break op. You have no idea what people are surviving right now.

What does it mean to "give someone a break" in this context? Keep inviting them even though they routinely flake? I mean, if attending events is so stressful, then NOT inviting them to other stuff would be more kind, wouldn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is me. I am barely hanging on. There are times when I can’t make commitments and rather than killing myself just to not appear rude, I cancel. I’ve come to accept this is my life. It is what it is.

No one knows about what's going on in my life.

Give people a break op. You have no idea what people are surviving right now.

Presumably these people are friends and not strangers and have an idea of what horrible things they are "surviving".