Why do so many people think it's okay to flake last minute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

You’re still being much more considerate than the people who say yes then flake.

Also if you always say no you shouldn’t be surprised when people stop asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

OP here and I agree. I'm introverted and have some social anxiety. TBH, I wanted to flake on the dinner last night because I was nervous about not knowing many people! But I went, generally enjoyed it, and felt better about myself afterwards for making an effort.

That’s great for you. I generally enjoy it when I go out and do feel better afterwards and I’m glad I went. But sometimes it’s also too much and not going is the right decision. Just because it was a good idea for you that one time doesn’t mean it’s the answer for everyone all the time.

I’m someone who hosts a lot and of course I get disappointed when people back out. I’ve also stopped inviting or at least stopped expecting anything from certain people. That helps me temper expectations and leave room for my friends who generally show up but sometimes need to back out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never hosted. I don't even know 30 people. I think you live in a different era. Everyone wants to stay home nowadays.
I have one friends that says they are on their way and then disappear. I think they have an anxiety and more.

I have a large friend group and we do things all the time. Of course sometimes we stay at home and not everyone does everything but we definitely don’t fall into your “everyone wants to stay home nowadays.” I don’t think we’re weirdly social, we just enjoy our friends. Mid 40’s, all with kids from 4-8th grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

OP here and I agree. I'm introverted and have some social anxiety. TBH, I wanted to flake on the dinner last night because I was nervous about not knowing many people! But I went, generally enjoyed it, and felt better about myself afterwards for making an effort.

That’s great for you. I generally enjoy it when I go out and do feel better afterwards and I’m glad I went. But sometimes it’s also too much and not going is the right decision. Just because it was a good idea for you that one time doesn’t mean it’s the answer for everyone all the time.

I’m someone who hosts a lot and of course I get disappointed when people back out. I’ve also stopped inviting or at least stopped expecting anything from certain people. That helps me temper expectations and leave room for my friends who generally show up but sometimes need to back out.

I doubt someone who hosts a lot is ok with people just not showing up because it's "too much" here and there. People don't like being taken advantage of or mistreated, which is what happens when people flake. It's too much to buy food and drink for friends who don't care enough to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RSVP me thought your party sounded like a great idea. Day of party me didn’t..

But this should not matter if you’ve already made the commitment. “I don’t feel like going” is not a valid reason to bail.

I have a friend who was always bailing on plans (including ones she had initiated) for reasons like “the kids have homework” and “we need to rest at home today instead” and “I need to catch up on things around the house.” I still like her, but I completely gave up on making any plans with them years ago.

When I had a friend who would bail for seemingly silly things like laundry, it turns out she was dealing with an alcoholic and abusive husband and none of us knew. We offered to change plans to accommodate her and eventually she opened up and then we could be there for her.

I get dropping flaky people - I do as well - but sometimes a friend bailing can mean you shouldn’t give up on them but maybe try to find a way to work with them. Just some food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1. They never change. My own now adult son has been doing this since age 12 or 13. He's late 20s now and still does it! Agrees to something and then just... ghosts everyone the day of. Exact same thing he did when he was a tween. Then you talk to him a few days later and he acts like nothing happened or it's not that big of a deal; as if we're overreacting for still caring.

Um, when he was doing it at age 12, you and your husband should have been better parents and told him that’s not how one acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I went through a period of time feeling that way with a a few friends with kids who are very conveniently the same age as ours. They like spending time with us, but their life was overloaded and they’re a bit disorganized, leading to last-minute cancellations that would disappoint our kids. So we decided to largely drop them other than from group things which include a couple of other reliable families, or occasionally one-on-one outings where we would still have fun without them (and I keep it as a surprise to the kids until the last minute!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

Very true. Netflix and phones have meaningfully lowered the barrier for entertainment. If your option were to go to a party vs. stay home to knit or read the Bible, you would go to the party!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

Absolutely. I host a lot, now it is become predictable who will be a no show, and they don't get invited anymore. One exception is a friend who is a 3-time cancer survivor. I always invite her but if she shows up, it a wonderful surprise.

[Anonymous]

I now make plans to casually host a few days prior. You can come - great. you can't - great. I dont overthink it, dont overbuy food, and still enjoy the people who come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

Look, I don’t flake on things I have responded yes to, but you don’t get to order that people need to put aside their mental health so your party can be full. Life is complicated, and while I will do everything I can do that I can honor my commitments, sometimes it can be too much for some people. Also, frankly, they don’t like you as much as they need to help themselves. You can either find that hurtful or informative of how your friends feel.

LOL.

I mean, yeah, if people flake on me, I do stop inviting them, so I get the message, but it's a bit rich to attack hosts for being upset that people flake. Obviously we can't "order" anyone to do anything, but it's still rude and inconsiderate, and I have no sympathy for those people when they lament how hard it is to make friends or how lonely they are or how they suddenly need a village. I've struggled with depression my whole life, and I've never pretended that it somehow made other people wrong for expecting me to keep my promises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

Obviously, if someone is a really good friend with a track record of being reliable and they are legit going through illness or something, duh, I don't write them off. But that is nowhere close to what's happening most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

Look, I don’t flake on things I have responded yes to, but you don’t get to order that people need to put aside their mental health so your party can be full. Life is complicated, and while I will do everything I can do that I can honor my commitments, sometimes it can be too much for some people. Also, frankly, they don’t like you as much as they need to help themselves. You can either find that hurtful or informative of how your friends feel.

LOL.

I mean, yeah, if people flake on me, I do stop inviting them, so I get the message, but it's a bit rich to attack hosts for being upset that people flake. Obviously we can't "order" anyone to do anything, but it's still rude and inconsiderate, and I have no sympathy for those people when they lament how hard it is to make friends or how lonely they are or how they suddenly need a village. I've struggled with depression my whole life, and I've never pretended that it somehow made other people wrong for expecting me to keep my promises.

+1 It certainly is informative about the flaker that they 1) don't care about the hosts and 2) are extremely self-centered.