Dad Wants to Spend All His Time with Me After Recent Divorce - How Do I Balance It?

[Anonymous]

So, about my dad’s cooking – yeah, those beliefs are wow, but I can’t really do much about it. He’s stuck in his ways, and I can’t just let him go without food. He doesn't cook, so I step in because it's necessary. I do it because he needs help, and I want to make sure he’s okay, but I know I need to balance it better.

As for his marriages, there were separate issues in each one – including things like incompatibility, infidelity, communication problems, and emotional challenges – that contributed to the breakdown of those relationships. While it wasn’t about a lack of care, those patterns ultimately didn’t work, and his recent divorce has left him feeling more isolate, though that was his shortest marriage.

He’s also started talking about dating again and even going on a few dates, which I’m hoping will help him feel less lonely and start moving forward. It’s good to see him putting himself out there again, and I’m hopeful things will get better for him as he adjusts to this new chapter.

I know he’s lonely, and I want to support him during this time, but I also need to set healthier boundaries. I’ve never really said "no" to him before, and that’s a shift for me, but I know it might be necessary sometimes but I’m not good at it. My husband is incredibly supportive, and he is a great father and husband, married for 21 years, and we’re both in agreement that I can be there for my dad or other family members while also finding a way to maintain balance in my own life, with him, and our sons and daughters.

I still have to be there for him, but I need to do so in a way that doesn’t overextend me. That means being clear about what I can and can’t do and thinking about how we can manage this situation in a way that works for both of us.

Thanks for the suggestions. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, about my dad’s cooking – yeah, those beliefs are wow, but I can’t really do much about it. He’s stuck in his ways, and I can’t just let him go without food. He doesn't cook, so I step in because it's necessary. I do it because he needs help, and I want to make sure he’s okay, but I know I need to balance it better.

As for his marriages, there were separate issues in each one – including things like incompatibility, infidelity, communication problems, and emotional challenges – that contributed to the breakdown of those relationships. While it wasn’t about a lack of care, those patterns ultimately didn’t work, and his recent divorce has left him feeling more isolate, though that was his shortest marriage.

He’s also started talking about dating again and even going on a few dates, which I’m hoping will help him feel less lonely and start moving forward. It’s good to see him putting himself out there again, and I’m hopeful things will get better for him as he adjusts to this new chapter.

I know he’s lonely, and I want to support him during this time, but I also need to set healthier boundaries. I’ve never really said "no" to him before, and that’s a shift for me, but I know it might be necessary sometimes but I’m not good at it. My husband is incredibly supportive, and he is a great father and husband, married for 21 years, and we’re both in agreement that I can be there for my dad or other family members while also finding a way to maintain balance in my own life, with him, and our sons and daughters.

I still have to be there for him, but I need to do so in a way that doesn’t overextend me. That means being clear about what I can and can’t do and thinking about how we can manage this situation in a way that works for both of us.

Thanks for the suggestions. -OP

Oh FFS, you are being such a pushover. He can make a sandwich. And just because he selfishly refuses to learn to cook doesn't make *you* his only source of cooked food. Have you heard of restaurants?

If he can adjust to dating new women, he can adjust to cooking and cleaning. Or can he only adjust to things he wants to do?

[Anonymous]

What would he do if he didn't have a daughter, OP? Would he go hungry forever and waste away because he can't possibly eat anything other than daughter-prepared food?

See how silly you are being? You have no right to complain and no right to neglect your own family if you can't stop coddling your father's bizarre selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, about my dad’s cooking – yeah, those beliefs are wow, but I can’t really do much about it. He’s stuck in his ways, and I can’t just let him go without food. He doesn't cook, so I step in because it's necessary. I do it because he needs help, and I want to make sure he’s okay, but I know I need to balance it better.

As for his marriages, there were separate issues in each one – including things like incompatibility, infidelity, communication problems, and emotional challenges – that contributed to the breakdown of those relationships. While it wasn’t about a lack of care, those patterns ultimately didn’t work, and his recent divorce has left him feeling more isolate, though that was his shortest marriage.

He’s also started talking about dating again and even going on a few dates, which I’m hoping will help him feel less lonely and start moving forward. It’s good to see him putting himself out there again, and I’m hopeful things will get better for him as he adjusts to this new chapter.

I know he’s lonely, and I want to support him during this time, but I also need to set healthier boundaries. I’ve never really said "no" to him before, and that’s a shift for me, but I know it might be necessary sometimes but I’m not good at it. My husband is incredibly supportive, and he is a great father and husband, married for 21 years, and we’re both in agreement that I can be there for my dad or other family members while also finding a way to maintain balance in my own life, with him, and our sons and daughters.

I still have to be there for him, but I need to do so in a way that doesn’t overextend me. That means being clear about what I can and can’t do and thinking about how we can manage this situation in a way that works for both of us.

Thanks for the suggestions. -OP

Look, he's as stuck in his ways as you let him. Just step away and believe me, he'll survive and perhaps even thrive. He'll be a better person for it. I mean you have an 18 yo, you should know how launching works. Don't infantilize your dad and don't let him manipulate you. I also don't understand this lonely talk. He's 66, he's fully capable of going and doing things, even if his marriage broke down, was his wife the only person he communicated with? Has he no hobbies? Activities, interests? He seems to have siblings and even a father who's alive? Again, stop infantilizing him and being a surrogate wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he lacks social skills or doesn't actually like his current friends. So he's always leaned on a woman to facilitate his social life. And he doesn't even realize it because it's so normal to him and he feels entitled to women's time and attention.

I suggest trying to get him to join a club of some sort, or a church.

As for the home chores, tell him straight out that he needs to learn to care for himself and his home. Not sure why he needs help with it if he's only 66. Help him learn but don't just do it for him.

He will likely remarry #5.

Sounds like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s been retired for a year is active, drives, and used to vacation and spend a lot of time doing adventurous outdoor things with his wife, but now that she’s gone he feels lonely and doesn’t want to do the same with friends. I didn’t think of having him spend time mainly at ours, helping out, but that is a good idea, I’d still need to spend some time at his house to help out with his home, but him spending his time mostly at ours is a good idea. And yes I meant two younger brothers and my sister is a year older.

why the hell do you have to help out at his home when you have FIVE KIDS and he is able bodied and able to do adventurous outdoor things?

if he wanted a woman to take care of him, he should have stayed with one of his FOUR past wives.

OP, you need to talk to a therapist about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

omfg op. grow a spine.

and, ah, "very traditional" men don't get divorce FOUR TIMES.

[Anonymous]

If he’s like this at 66 imagine how he’ll be at 76. OP you need to get a handle on this now. He is a grown man who probably never learned how to adult because he always had a woman to take care of him. He’s replacing wife #4 with you which is creepy and inappropriate. He won’t starve to death if you don’t feed him, he’ll figure something out. If he cared about you at all he’d hire a housekeeper to clean. The time you’re spending cleaning up after him is not quality time and it seems like he expects that too.

You have a large family, make one more serving at dinner and open up an invite to your dad to join you at your house. Share the kids activity schedules with him, if he wants to spend time with you he can join you wherever you’ll be, supporting your kids.

I really hope this is a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Maybe your real problem is that your dad is lazy and sexist, and that you are a pushover.

This!

[Anonymous]

He can help out your family, spend time with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I’m the poster whose dad literally won’t make himself a scrambled egg and would rather starve. My dad actually ended up hospitalized for dehydration and they noted he seemed malnourished. He hadn’t told any of that he has separated from his wife so we didn’t realize he was fending (or not fending) for himself. He is an alcoholic so that contributed to the dehydration.

It didn’t mean any of his daughters decided to move to his town to cook for him. We basically said we could help him with meal delivery. That’s it. And if he didn’t eat the meals, he might die alone. In our case, it scared him enough that he called his wife and begged to move back in with her. Also, if he can drive, he can eat out.

If one of us lived in town, we might have invited him to a meal once a week or even dropped off extra food once a week. But no way in heck would any of his three daughters be visiting him multiple times a week to be his short order cook and clean the pee off his toilet seat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he's trying to reassure himself that he still has a caregiver. If Plan A was that he and #4 mutually care for each other, it's probably pretty scary to lose that even if the marriage wasn't good.

+1

[Anonymous]

You’re on the hook,till next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Wow.

I don't think you're in a healthy relationship with your father.
I'm sad your children are afterthoughts when they should be your priority and source of joy.
I assume your husband has made his peace with being the second man in your life and I hope he's off enjoying his own life without you.

But mostly, I hope you're a troll.

Weird, “second man”. That’s her dad, some families are close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One important thing that is rarely acknowledged in the now-cliched boundaries discussion is that healthy boundaries are established bilaterally, that is, together. When boundaries are established unilaterally it is a hostile action.

With that said, it sounds like your dad could be more involved in your life in a way that helps you! If he's a good man, he will relish the chance to do this, to lighten your load, to connect with your kids, to bring over meals, etc.

Please let him know what kind of things would help you. Also talk with him about areas of your lives where you and he need to agree on new boundaries.

This is good advice, although I do think it's ok to draw a line or pull back if he insists on the same level of support from you.