Dad Wants to Spend All His Time with Me After Recent Divorce - How Do I Balance It?

[Anonymous]

I’m 43, and my dad is 66. His fourth wife, whom he was married to for six years, recently decided to part ways with him, a few months ago, and now he’s constantly wanting to spend time with me—calls that last hours, visits, and asking to do things together. I know he’s lonely, and I want to be there for him, which is why I’ve been spending so much time helping him out.

I have 3 siblings—two older brothers, and one older sister —but my dad turns to me the most. I try to visit him 3-4 times a week, sometimes more depending on how much he needs. I help clean his house, cook meals, watch TV with him, or chat over coffee. Outside of the house, we go out to eat, run errands, visit places he enjoys, or take walks. I enjoy doing it and love that I can make him feel less lonely.

But I also have a demanding job and five kids (18, 16, 15, 12, 10) and while I’m happy to help my dad, I’ve realised that it’s taking up almost all of the little free time that I have. My kids are missing me, and I don’t want to neglect them in the process.

I don’t want my dad to feel abandoned, but I also need to find a balance, I’m okay with chatting on the phone often but think the visit schedule can be changed. How do I set healthy boundaries while still supporting him during this tough time? I know he’ll feel disappointed.

[Anonymous]

One important thing that is rarely acknowledged in the now-cliched boundaries discussion is that healthy boundaries are established bilaterally, that is, together. When boundaries are established unilaterally it is a hostile action.

With that said, it sounds like your dad could be more involved in your life in a way that helps you! If he's a good man, he will relish the chance to do this, to lighten your load, to connect with your kids, to bring over meals, etc.

Please let him know what kind of things would help you. Also talk with him about areas of your lives where you and he need to agree on new boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Can he come over to your house and hang it with whomever is there?

[Anonymous]

Does he have friends?

[Anonymous]

Your dad doesn't seem to know how to function without a woman. That is a problem. No advice. I suppose you're on the hook until he finds wife number 5.

[Anonymous]

You are not Wife #5.

[Anonymous]

I think just do it less.

Or do your own errands with him as a passenger.

Four marriages suggests something isn't quite right. Is he on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad doesn't seem to know how to function without a woman. That is a problem. No advice. I suppose you're on the hook until he finds wife number 5.

This. You are a MUCH nicer person than I am OP. This could go on for 20 more years.

[Anonymous]

3 older siblings or three younger?

[Anonymous]

Does he work? Can he drive?

Maybe get him involved in helping with the kids. That way he is occupied and helping you rather than adding a task to your plate.

[Anonymous]

Do things together w/the kids. Also him hangin-out at your house and you get done whatever needs to get done. Ideally, he helps. No reason he needs your attention, at least he'd have somewhere to go.

Mostly, you decide, how much time is reasonable. Decide. Decide and indicate this to him, so he can plan. He'll know he's going to see you ____ and ____, and can look forward to it

[Anonymous]

I don't know why you'd give him any of your free time. Have him tag along with you to the kids games and events, have him do errands FOR you, give him jobs you need done. But there is ZERO reason to be cooking and cleaning for a grown man who I assume at 66 is healthy. Your whole dynamic seems unhealthy and even toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad doesn't seem to know how to function without a woman. That is a problem. No advice. I suppose you're on the hook until he finds wife number 5.

Yep. You're doing WAY, WAY, WAY too much for him. I would reduce the visit to once a month, honestly. He needs to learn to care for himself - he's 66 and should learn now while he's still able-bodied. Your children are your priority, OP. Your relationship with your father is borderline creepy in the context that you seem to be neglecting your own nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He’s been retired for a year is active, drives, and used to vacation and spend a lot of time doing adventurous outdoor things with his wife, but now that she’s gone he feels lonely and doesn’t want to do the same with friends. I didn’t think of having him spend time mainly at ours, helping out, but that is a good idea, I’d still need to spend some time at his house to help out with his home, but him spending his time mostly at ours is a good idea. And yes I meant two younger brothers and my sister is a year older.

[Anonymous]

Why does he need help at home??? He’s able-bodied and retired while you’re raising 5 kids. I would look closely at your mindset. It sounds to me like you’re co-dependent and that’s not healthy for him, you or your family.