Dad Wants to Spend All His Time with Me After Recent Divorce - How Do I Balance It?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from a culture where in the previous generation, and even in this current one in my home country, women are expected to care for their in-laws and/or parents, and clean and cook for them.

Are you part of this group, OP? You're in the US now. Break the cycle. I would never do this. When my MIL suggested one of her sons take her in (which also implicitly meant that the DIL in question would be responsible for her care), every single one of them bailed.

STOP IT.

This. He's divorced, not disabled. And it's rich to be past wife #4 but claiming traditional family values. And to monopolize your daughter's time to the detriment of your own grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Maybe your real problem is that your dad is lazy and sexist, and that you are a pushover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Uh, no. Dual citizen Italian and American here.
https://www.wetheitalians.com/news/desire-good-food-flips-gender-roles-only-nation-where-men-cook-more-women

[Anonymous]

You are neglecting your children to care for a fully capable sexist adult.

What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he need help at home??? He’s able-bodied and retired while you’re raising 5 kids. I would look closely at your mindset. It sounds to me like you’re co-dependent and that’s not healthy for him, you or your family.

This. Weird codependency. He is healthy, retired and lives alone. Why does he need any help from you at home? He should be helping you. Why can’t he cook or bring your family dinner once a week. Can he pick up groceries for you or dry cleaning? Can he drive your kids around or help them with hw?

He can clean but just asks so I do it, but he doesn’t cook. He can drive kids around or help them with things, or do errands. -OP

It's actually disgusting that you have 5 children at home but choose to scrub your fathers floor instead of spending time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Uh, no. Dual citizen Italian and American here.
https://www.wetheitalians.com/news/desire-good-food-flips-gender-roles-only-nation-where-men-cook-more-women

I know Italian culture very well. My grandfather is 87 now, and cooked and so do my uncles, except for one and my dad. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Hes clearly not that traditional if he's mowed through four wives.

[Anonymous]

So the issue isn't really him wanting to be around or have long phone calls, it's that he's using you as a replacement wife. Wildly inappropriate. You need to shut that down yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Hes clearly not that traditional if he's mowed through four wives.

*plowed through four wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Wow.

I don't think you're in a healthy relationship with your father.
I'm sad your children are afterthoughts when they should be your priority and source of joy.
I assume your husband has made his peace with being the second man in your life and I hope he's off enjoying his own life without you.

But mostly, I hope you're a troll.

[Anonymous]

The man can hire a house cleaner or quote down his own counters. He is one person — his house just isn’t that dirty. This is all bananas.

I have a dad who also cannot function without a woman in his life. He would rather starve than scramble himself an egg (which he is perfectly capable of doing). There is no way in the world I’m stepping in as his surrogate wife EVER.

[Anonymous]

You are not his wife-GF
You aren't his BFF
Does he not have hobbies, friends, things to do?

He needs to find things to fill his time outside of you.

Establish some boundaries - push back.

[Anonymous]

Have gin help you with the kids (drive them places etc). He needs to be put to good use so to speak. Needs to earn his time with you. Also he should pay for things when spending time with you unless he is poor.

I’m going thru similar expect my father is much older. Believe me, old people are selfish and if you give them a finger they’ll bite off your hand or whatever that saying is.
Not feeling guilty is work in progress as guilt is probably the nature’s mechanism to prevent us from abandoning them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The man can hire a house cleaner or quote down his own counters. He is one person — his house just isn’t that dirty. This is all bananas.

I have a dad who also cannot function without a woman in his life. He would rather starve than scramble himself an egg (which he is perfectly capable of doing). There is no way in the world I’m stepping in as his surrogate wife EVER.

My father is older (80) but he can make his place a mess perfectly well. He also doesn’t clean or when he does it’s very poor quality. Don’t underestimate the incompetence of people