Can a narcissist ever stay married and be a good enough spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

Timeline is kinda same for me and the mask dropped of my ex-gf when she didn't see mistake of her 26 year old in showing something inappropriate to my 13 year old daughter and attacked and belittled my daughter because she could not bear the shame. That's when I realized that she is a true narcissist who can't even leave kids alone in proving her point. It's hard to see some people could be so sick and care so much about their image that they would go to any level possible.

Agree.

They throw relationships away to protect their ego & image. It’s disgusting.

[Anonymous]

* protect their false image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Yes! The hatred is directed outwardly at us. It's helped a lot to understand that even though my stbx despises everything about me now (I mean wtf...he was sending loving texts right up to the day before he did an absolute 180....) he hates himself the most. I don't think he'll ever be able to face himself. Sometimes I feel sorry for him that he is so deeply broken. But then he lobs another grenade. Sorry you're going through it, too. Working in therapy to understand why I was drawn to him has helped a lot.

This is sooooo true! 1000%

This thread is surprisingly helpful! Thank you Pps, wish I knew you all during my divorce process. So many people were conned by my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

My spouse is a malignant covert narc as well. Everything done for purported altruism is actually done for validation purposes. Incredibly rude and hostile behind closed doors and full of constant digs. It is what it is and I grey rock. Not sure the plan.

Yep I get it. I grey rocked for a while. I then thought why am I doing this, a partner should add to my life not take away. Then he hurt me emotionally big time as he upped the anti because I wasn’t giving him the antagonistic supply he craved. At that moment my love just drained away. Eyes opened. I had had enough.

Regarding antagonistic supply, there is a lot of research about the challenge of differential diagnoses for certain presentations of personality disorders and AuDHD. Mine may or may not have all 3, and has only been diagnosed with 3, but it’s obvious that he was using dopamine-seeking behavior, including seeking out antagonistic interactions, as a maladaptive coping mechanism and/or self-medication.

So true.
My audhd rager wakes up at 5am to do screen time or work or who knows and by 7am when everyone’s in the kitchen will strike up a yelling rage match every other week. Among other destabilizing juvenile behavior things.

He also avoids conversations about anything - spring break, his parents visiting, kids mental health issues - and will send 10 texts from the airport n his way out of town for a work trip. Half of them are just accusatory lunancy or rewriting of the narrative.

You’re replying to me and it’s like we are married to the same person. Mine seems to use work travel for stimulation and has the same habit of crazy aggressive communication dumps right before a trip. And then once he’s on that plane it’s like the kids don’t exist again until his next visitation. I think he does it to try to get his adrenaline up so he can take a crash-out nap on long flights. In the old days when we lived in the same house he’d achieve the same effect by packing at the very last minute or getting to the airport with minutes to spare.

Avoiding conversations has made the divorce process really challenging for me to try to communicate about our kids. He’s enjoying it because he can finally withhold communication but say that he’s being “low conflict” and collect a little gold star from mommy attorney and mommy custody evaluator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here - really thought I was keeping him regulated and was afraid to leave bc I didn’t want him to have any custody alone based on his inability to handle any level of frustration (and would take it out on the kids). Married 16 years. But then he started to push his behavior with me (throwing things etc) and I set some boundaries and he completely destabilized over the course of the year. The less I reacted (and didn’t feed his supply) the more unstable he got - kept threatening divorce but would back off and then finally he did it - and I didn’t argue and that was that - the separation has been hellacious - I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never vindictive in the marriage (angry yes) but wow he’s following the divorcing a narcissist play book to a T. He isn't fighting about custody but anything else is fair game.

Careful! Mine got a bug in his ear from his mom or a friend and then went bonkers for custody. And then he found the private custody evaluation process to be incredibly validating (I’m in a pro-dad county) so he’s getting all sorts of positive feedback for being the “dad who fights for his kids.” Meanwhile the kids are missing extracurriculars once a week for therapy and frequently missing school because of the anxiety from being around him and his inappropriate and even angry/volatile behavior without me as their human shield or his emotional punching bag. And he still isn’t showing up regularly for them, but somehow that doesn’t count against him.

For us the light at the end of the tunnel won’t be until the youngest is 18.

I wish that I could have held things together to protect them longer.

Yeah, mine ran into a former roommate of his who had just gotten divorced and came away thinking how easy it would be to divorce, raise two girls, date & remarry, prove to everyone what a great man he is. Only instead of filing he ramped up the crazy in the household. His lexapro never helped.

Mine was inspired by my friend’s DH’s surprise abandonment of his family. His takeaway wasn’t shock and horror at the destruction of a family but instead a sort of “hmm, I can do that?”. From discovery I found out that he went to an attorney the day after I told him about my friend.

Mine’s lexapro did help until he decided that medication isn’t real and he stopped taking it. He the. claimed that his doctor had said it was to be taken as needed but in reality he mixed the instructions up with those for the Xanax that he also doesn’t take.

[Anonymous]

The answer to your question is NO. Once you accept this you’ll find peace. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I know someone I think is a true narcissist who is in a longterm marriage that seems to be going the distance. However, the marriage has some weird features (open marriage, narcissist maintains multiple secondary relationships with a variety of partners, partner has one steady long term relationship) and I believe the partner is a pure enabler who is very comfortable in that role. Up to and including covering up and making excuses for extremely harmful behavior for by the narcissist. They have kids who are still fairly young and I worry about them.

These are people I know in my persona life but I always think of them when I hear about really insane rich/famous people with some bizarre relationship arrangements. And you think "how can they possibly stay together?" I think this is what it is -- sometimes a narcissist finds a pure enabler who is willing to fulfill the narcissist's needs. I also think finding a set up that externalizes the narcissist's worst behavior onto third parties is key. Sick example but think of Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein. Their relationship lasted like 30 years, and they both seemed satisfied in it. Such people exist. Sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here - really thought I was keeping him regulated and was afraid to leave bc I didn’t want him to have any custody alone based on his inability to handle any level of frustration (and would take it out on the kids). Married 16 years. But then he started to push his behavior with me (throwing things etc) and I set some boundaries and he completely destabilized over the course of the year. The less I reacted (and didn’t feed his supply) the more unstable he got - kept threatening divorce but would back off and then finally he did it - and I didn’t argue and that was that - the separation has been hellacious - I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never vindictive in the marriage (angry yes) but wow he’s following the divorcing a narcissist play book to a T. He isn't fighting about custody but anything else is fair game.

Careful! Mine got a bug in his ear from his mom or a friend and then went bonkers for custody. And then he found the private custody evaluation process to be incredibly validating (I’m in a pro-dad county) so he’s getting all sorts of positive feedback for being the “dad who fights for his kids.” Meanwhile the kids are missing extracurriculars once a week for therapy and frequently missing school because of the anxiety from being around him and his inappropriate and even angry/volatile behavior without me as their human shield or his emotional punching bag. And he still isn’t showing up regularly for them, but somehow that doesn’t count against him.

For us the light at the end of the tunnel won’t be until the youngest is 18.

I wish that I could have held things together to protect them longer.

Yeah, mine ran into a former roommate of his who had just gotten divorced and came away thinking how easy it would be to divorce, raise two girls, date & remarry, prove to everyone what a great man he is. Only instead of filing he ramped up the crazy in the household. His lexapro never helped.

Mine was inspired by my friend’s DH’s surprise abandonment of his family. His takeaway wasn’t shock and horror at the destruction of a family but instead a sort of “hmm, I can do that?”. From discovery I found out that he went to an attorney the day after I told him about my friend.

Mine’s lexapro did help until he decided that medication isn’t real and he stopped taking it. He the. claimed that his doctor had said it was to be taken as needed but in reality he mixed the instructions up with those for the Xanax that he also doesn’t take.

That’s so autistic. B&W. Ultra self-centered.

I bet he dropped y’all like a hot potato.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who was married to a narc for almost 20 years. He was a classic codependent and she was a vampire. She removed him from friends and family and made him stop all the activities that he had once loved. She thrived off making him feel bad about himself and was terribly abusive emotionally. Their marriage "worked" until he saw the light. It took years but he finally broke free. His family was so relieved when he left her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was married to a narc for almost 20 years. He was a classic codependent and she was a vampire. She removed him from friends and family and made him stop all the activities that he had once loved. She thrived off making him feel bad about himself and was terribly abusive emotionally. Their marriage "worked" until he saw the light. It took years but he finally broke free. His family was so relieved when he left her.

Wow, you sound like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

My narc would forget that I existed unless I was in the room. He also liked to blame me for all of his failures and lack of healthy relationships with others. Wanted me to create a green light for him to have zero responsibilities and basically do whatever he wanted without consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was married to a narc for almost 20 years. He was a classic codependent and she was a vampire. She removed him from friends and family and made him stop all the activities that he had once loved. She thrived off making him feel bad about himself and was terribly abusive emotionally. Their marriage "worked" until he saw the light. It took years but he finally broke free. His family was so relieved when he left her.

That guy actually sounds like my ex and his story reeks of DARVO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here - really thought I was keeping him regulated and was afraid to leave bc I didn’t want him to have any custody alone based on his inability to handle any level of frustration (and would take it out on the kids). Married 16 years. But then he started to push his behavior with me (throwing things etc) and I set some boundaries and he completely destabilized over the course of the year. The less I reacted (and didn’t feed his supply) the more unstable he got - kept threatening divorce but would back off and then finally he did it - and I didn’t argue and that was that - the separation has been hellacious - I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never vindictive in the marriage (angry yes) but wow he’s following the divorcing a narcissist play book to a T. He isn't fighting about custody but anything else is fair game.

Careful! Mine got a bug in his ear from his mom or a friend and then went bonkers for custody. And then he found the private custody evaluation process to be incredibly validating (I’m in a pro-dad county) so he’s getting all sorts of positive feedback for being the “dad who fights for his kids.” Meanwhile the kids are missing extracurriculars once a week for therapy and frequently missing school because of the anxiety from being around him and his inappropriate and even angry/volatile behavior without me as their human shield or his emotional punching bag. And he still isn’t showing up regularly for them, but somehow that doesn’t count against him.

For us the light at the end of the tunnel won’t be until the youngest is 18.

I wish that I could have held things together to protect them longer.

He made some strategic choices that would have to be unwound to get custody - and my kids are on the cusp of old enough to refuse to go. One kid isn’t speaking or seeing him at all. One very minimally. Fortunately, right now, he dumped everything and ran. I appreciate your caution though bc lord knows he can twist on a dime. I pray he doesn’t start in on it.

[Anonymous]

Reading these messages -- I'm terribly sorry for all who are going through this, but I'm also grateful to find that I am not alone. What I am reading mirrors what I am experiencing, and it is hell on earth.

A couple posters have mentioned therapy/therapists. Is there any posters in NOVA who can recommend a good therapist for this, especially in the case of a going-nowhere divorce from a narc?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

^ "Are" there any posters in NOVA who can recommend......