Can a narcissist ever stay married and be a good enough spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Yes! The hatred is directed outwardly at us. It's helped a lot to understand that even though my stbx despises everything about me now (I mean wtf...he was sending loving texts right up to the day before he did an absolute 180....) he hates himself the most. I don't think he'll ever be able to face himself. Sometimes I feel sorry for him that he is so deeply broken. But then he lobs another grenade. Sorry you're going through it, too. Working in therapy to understand why I was drawn to him has helped a lot.

Curious why your therapist thinks you were drawn to him?


Mine said because I’m an empath, give the benefit of the doubt too long, and am high functioning type A.

In my case the narc is asd and bipolar II and it was his maladaptive coping walls that made him a narc.
His mother also allowed him to be “stubborn” (understatement!) and do whatever he wanted, or else he’d be difficult and mean. He continues that behavior. She raised a monster. Throws a fit to get what he wants, easier on other person to be silent. While walking on eggshells BS. He loves for you to shut up and take it.

Holy crap I could have written this. My MIL always said that STbX was “very stubborn” and “willfull.” It took me years to observe their family and understand what was going on with then-DH, and it was terrifying to put together the puzzle pieces as he received various diagnoses along the way.

Now STBX is back in his mommy’s arms being told that it’s not his fault.

To answer the question asked of another PP, my STBX and I met in a very regimented post-grad program. I think that I should have been more aware of red flags but the structure and demands of that program covered up or “explained” things that would have stood out had we met under different circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Yes! The hatred is directed outwardly at us. It's helped a lot to understand that even though my stbx despises everything about me now (I mean wtf...he was sending loving texts right up to the day before he did an absolute 180....) he hates himself the most. I don't think he'll ever be able to face himself. Sometimes I feel sorry for him that he is so deeply broken. But then he lobs another grenade. Sorry you're going through it, too. Working in therapy to understand why I was drawn to him has helped a lot.

Curious why your therapist thinks you were drawn to him?


Mine said because I’m an empath, give the benefit of the doubt too long, and am high functioning type A.

In my case the narc is asd and bipolar II and it was his maladaptive coping walls that made him a narc.
His mother also allowed him to be “stubborn” (understatement!) and do whatever he wanted, or else he’d be difficult and mean. He continues that behavior. She raised a monster. Throws a fit to get what he wants, easier on other person to be silent. While walking on eggshells BS. He loves for you to shut up and take it.

I came to my own understanding with her help. One of my parents is a covert narcissist but very mild compared to my ex. I was comfortable with that personality type. I overlooked his lack of accountability for anything and how terrible he was with money. I saved him financially for the first many years of our relationship and blindly trusted him while he was socking away his own money and making his own plans for years. I didn't ask the hard questions because I didn't want to know the answers.

[Anonymous]

I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

This! Listen to your body if your can’t think rationally.

While married to mine I had idiopathic heart problems and an ankle injury that wouldn’t heal. Within a month of him leaving my ankle was better than it had been after 2 years of PT and treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

My spouse is a malignant covert narc as well. Everything done for purported altruism is actually done for validation purposes. Incredibly rude and hostile behind closed doors and full of constant digs. It is what it is and I grey rock. Not sure the plan.

[Anonymous]

Another one here - really thought I was keeping him regulated and was afraid to leave bc I didn’t want him to have any custody alone based on his inability to handle any level of frustration (and would take it out on the kids). Married 16 years. But then he started to push his behavior with me (throwing things etc) and I set some boundaries and he completely destabilized over the course of the year. The less I reacted (and didn’t feed his supply) the more unstable he got - kept threatening divorce but would back off and then finally he did it - and I didn’t argue and that was that - the separation has been hellacious - I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never vindictive in the marriage (angry yes) but wow he’s following the divorcing a narcissist play book to a T. He isn't fighting about custody but anything else is fair game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

My spouse is a malignant covert narc as well. Everything done for purported altruism is actually done for validation purposes. Incredibly rude and hostile behind closed doors and full of constant digs. It is what it is and I grey rock. Not sure the plan.

Yep I get it. I grey rocked for a while. I then thought why am I doing this, a partner should add to my life not take away. Then he hurt me emotionally big time as he upped the anti because I wasn’t giving him the antagonistic supply he craved. At that moment my love just drained away. Eyes opened. I had had enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another one here - really thought I was keeping him regulated and was afraid to leave bc I didn’t want him to have any custody alone based on his inability to handle any level of frustration (and would take it out on the kids). Married 16 years. But then he started to push his behavior with me (throwing things etc) and I set some boundaries and he completely destabilized over the course of the year. The less I reacted (and didn’t feed his supply) the more unstable he got - kept threatening divorce but would back off and then finally he did it - and I didn’t argue and that was that - the separation has been hellacious - I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never vindictive in the marriage (angry yes) but wow he’s following the divorcing a narcissist play book to a T. He isn't fighting about custody but anything else is fair game.

Careful! Mine got a bug in his ear from his mom or a friend and then went bonkers for custody. And then he found the private custody evaluation process to be incredibly validating (I’m in a pro-dad county) so he’s getting all sorts of positive feedback for being the “dad who fights for his kids.” Meanwhile the kids are missing extracurriculars once a week for therapy and frequently missing school because of the anxiety from being around him and his inappropriate and even angry/volatile behavior without me as their human shield or his emotional punching bag. And he still isn’t showing up regularly for them, but somehow that doesn’t count against him.

For us the light at the end of the tunnel won’t be until the youngest is 18.

I wish that I could have held things together to protect them longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

My spouse is a malignant covert narc as well. Everything done for purported altruism is actually done for validation purposes. Incredibly rude and hostile behind closed doors and full of constant digs. It is what it is and I grey rock. Not sure the plan.

Yep I get it. I grey rocked for a while. I then thought why am I doing this, a partner should add to my life not take away. Then he hurt me emotionally big time as he upped the anti because I wasn’t giving him the antagonistic supply he craved. At that moment my love just drained away. Eyes opened. I had had enough.

Regarding antagonistic supply, there is a lot of research about the challenge of differential diagnoses for certain presentations of personality disorders and AuDHD. Mine may or may not have all 3, and has only been diagnosed with 3, but it’s obvious that he was using dopamine-seeking behavior, including seeking out antagonistic interactions, as a maladaptive coping mechanism and/or self-medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

I'm starting to push back though because my life is a dumpster fire how much worse can it get? I mean at this point I've given up caring if we make it or not. I've totally given up.

I was planning to gray divorce but then one kid started behaving the same way and I divorced.

They truly don’t care about undermining their own kids, to hurt you.

She’s now obese from overeating krap during his custody time, lies about her bad grades, and wants to quit everything to stay home on screens. Which he gladly provides. And unlimited online shopping. They are becoming co-dependent.

yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

Timeline is kinda same for me and the mask dropped of my ex-gf when she didn't see mistake of her 26 year old in showing something inappropriate to my 13 year old daughter and attacked and belittled my daughter because she could not bear the shame. That's when I realized that she is a true narcissist who can't even leave kids alone in proving her point. It's hard to see some people could be so sick and care so much about their image that they would go to any level possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with a covert malignant narcissist for almost 18 months. Mask dropped after about 9 months. It was the triangulation and belittling that I could not continue with. It slowly eroded me and the cognitive dissonance meant my poor system was in flight/flight for too long. I ended up physically sick and I have held down stressful senior jobs across countries so I thought I would be ok. I wasn’t. The physical toll can be high as well as the mental & emotional stress. I left him and I am doing so much better.

My spouse is a malignant covert narc as well. Everything done for purported altruism is actually done for validation purposes. Incredibly rude and hostile behind closed doors and full of constant digs. It is what it is and I grey rock. Not sure the plan.

Yep I get it. I grey rocked for a while. I then thought why am I doing this, a partner should add to my life not take away. Then he hurt me emotionally big time as he upped the anti because I wasn’t giving him the antagonistic supply he craved. At that moment my love just drained away. Eyes opened. I had had enough.

Regarding antagonistic supply, there is a lot of research about the challenge of differential diagnoses for certain presentations of personality disorders and AuDHD. Mine may or may not have all 3, and has only been diagnosed with 3, but it’s obvious that he was using dopamine-seeking behavior, including seeking out antagonistic interactions, as a maladaptive coping mechanism and/or self-medication.

So true.
My audhd rager wakes up at 5am to do screen time or work or who knows and by 7am when everyone’s in the kitchen will strike up a yelling rage match every other week. Among other destabilizing juvenile behavior things.

He also avoids conversations about anything - spring break, his parents visiting, kids mental health issues - and will send 10 texts from the airport n his way out of town for a work trip. Half of them are just accusatory lunancy or rewriting of the narrative.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing: once you see it (the narcissism and abuse), you see it.

You also so how consistent and predictable the crazy behavior is, and how false the lies are. Pretty soon you can’t believe anything he says since 50%+ are patently false.

However, the narc will never remember the truth or reality. He will only remember what should have happened or the right intent. And round and round you go.
Recordings don’t matter- he’ll attack you for something else.
Videos don’t matter - how dare you!?!
Other family witnesses don’t matter - they’re crazy, I know where you get it from!
The original issue didn’t matter- his goal is to anger you and then attack you for being angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here - really thought I was keeping him regulated and was afraid to leave bc I didn’t want him to have any custody alone based on his inability to handle any level of frustration (and would take it out on the kids). Married 16 years. But then he started to push his behavior with me (throwing things etc) and I set some boundaries and he completely destabilized over the course of the year. The less I reacted (and didn’t feed his supply) the more unstable he got - kept threatening divorce but would back off and then finally he did it - and I didn’t argue and that was that - the separation has been hellacious - I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never vindictive in the marriage (angry yes) but wow he’s following the divorcing a narcissist play book to a T. He isn't fighting about custody but anything else is fair game.

Careful! Mine got a bug in his ear from his mom or a friend and then went bonkers for custody. And then he found the private custody evaluation process to be incredibly validating (I’m in a pro-dad county) so he’s getting all sorts of positive feedback for being the “dad who fights for his kids.” Meanwhile the kids are missing extracurriculars once a week for therapy and frequently missing school because of the anxiety from being around him and his inappropriate and even angry/volatile behavior without me as their human shield or his emotional punching bag. And he still isn’t showing up regularly for them, but somehow that doesn’t count against him.

For us the light at the end of the tunnel won’t be until the youngest is 18.

I wish that I could have held things together to protect them longer.

Yeah, mine ran into a former roommate of his who had just gotten divorced and came away thinking how easy it would be to divorce, raise two girls, date & remarry, prove to everyone what a great man he is. Only instead of filing he ramped up the crazy in the household. His lexapro never helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I thought I could just "quiet quit" and stay with him for another 7 years until kids were launched. I came on this board at that time. DCUM was right. Why subject my kids to witness such an unhealthy dynamic.

We are out and my kids and I are happy and I am healing. The leaving was tough - post-separation abuse. But life is so much better now.

Wow this is me too! I thought I could wait until kids graduated but narc hit a midlife crisis and it become unbearable. I was too young to stick with it. I lost my home and extended and immediate family because narcs are very charming and good at lying.