S/O: Separated but not "divorced"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

DP but I'm side-eyeing you so hard, coming in here with your casual humblebrag about your alleged 9 milli nw. You could've left it at "We're not rich, but have enough not to worry..." You didn't, and now you want to bring everyone's attention back to you.

Make your own thread (so we can mock you correctly).

I don't consider 9 mil to be rich when we are more or less two households and we're not working. So not a humblebrag at all.

Nobody cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

Transparency. Im separated and have a wonderful bf of a year.

It's a lot easier for women to date when separated than for men.

This is because men don't care that they're committing adultery with married/separated women. But women are told all the time not to date a separated man because he's still married. It's a double standard.

For this reason alone, it's best for men to go through with the divorce. Otherwise it will be harder to get laid.

You…see what you did there, right?

No. Why don’t you explain it to me like I am five.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

Companionship and love until he dies and fond memories after he dies.

Did your father make any arrangements to take care of her wellbeing anf financial stability after he dies ? If not, I would seriously question his love and affection

My father's partner had her own career before she retired. My mother did too. Neither was a housewife or low earner. Both are now retired from their professional jobs and are comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

Transparency. Im separated and have a wonderful bf of a year.

It's a lot easier for women to date when separated than for men.

This is because men don't care that they're committing adultery with married/separated women. But women are told all the time not to date a separated man because he's still married. It's a double standard.

For this reason alone, it's best for men to go through with the divorce. Otherwise it will be harder to get laid.

It’s because men often hold themselves out as separated when they are having affairs. Not because women shouldn’t date a man in a true separation situation, but because it’s more often a man is not truly separated and is fleecing the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

Companionship and love until he dies and fond memories after he dies.

Did your father make any arrangements to take care of her wellbeing anf financial stability after he dies ? If not, I would seriously question his love and affection

My father's partner had her own career before she retired. My mother did too. Neither was a housewife or low earner. Both are now retired from their professional jobs and are comfortable.

Are your dad and his new partner living together and where ? So she’ll be moving out from their home when he dies ? And she’s ok with your dad not spending major holidays with her ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

I'm the "other woman" in a situation like this. My partner/boyfriend/whatever you want to call it has been separated but not divorced from his wife for nearly 15 years. I don't need to worry about what's in it for me if he dies because I have boatloads more money than he does. If anything, he's the one who is missing out on tons by not marrying me.

People make non-traditional arrangements for their lives all the time. As long as there is clarity, clear communication and free will, it's all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

I'm the "other woman" in a situation like this. My partner/boyfriend/whatever you want to call it has been separated but not divorced from his wife for nearly 15 years. I don't need to worry about what's in it for me if he dies because I have boatloads more money than he does. If anything, he's the one who is missing out on tons by not marrying me.

People make non-traditional arrangements for their lives all the time. As long as there is clarity, clear communication and free will, it's all good.

+1 to this. Someone who is a long term romantic partner isn't necessarily entitled to the lifetime earnings etc of the person they are dating. Particularly when you aren't buying a home together and building a family together (which typically requires sacrifices financially from one or both), which is what typically justifies money being a joint asset.

The type of relationships that are suited to this situation are usually where both people have their own lives, can support themselves financially, and are not critically dependent on each other. They actually enjoy spending time together.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

I'm the "other woman" in a situation like this. My partner/boyfriend/whatever you want to call it has been separated but not divorced from his wife for nearly 15 years. I don't need to worry about what's in it for me if he dies because I have boatloads more money than he does. If anything, he's the one who is missing out on tons by not marrying me.

People make non-traditional arrangements for their lives all the time. As long as there is clarity, clear communication and free will, it's all good.

+1 to this. Someone who is a long term romantic partner isn't necessarily entitled to the lifetime earnings etc of the person they are dating. Particularly when you aren't buying a home together and building a family together (which typically requires sacrifices financially from one or both), which is what typically justifies money being a joint asset.

The type of relationships that are suited to this situation are usually where both people have their own lives, can support themselves financially, and are not critically dependent on each other. They actually enjoy spending time together.

I’ve known several women in such relationships. They were all cut off by his kids right after the man’s death and had a huge crisis of identity and felt very depressed and lonely. Usually the man still spends resources on joint travel, free time together and hobbies which creates a fake impression of unity. There is still a drastic fallout in lifestyle upon his death and in all cases I know the “partners” were not even invited to funeral out of concern of legal claims.
I wouldn’t deal with “separated” men and I am high NW

[Anonymous]

Not inviting a partner to the funeral seems cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

I'm the "other woman" in a situation like this. My partner/boyfriend/whatever you want to call it has been separated but not divorced from his wife for nearly 15 years. I don't need to worry about what's in it for me if he dies because I have boatloads more money than he does. If anything, he's the one who is missing out on tons by not marrying me.

People make non-traditional arrangements for their lives all the time. As long as there is clarity, clear communication and free will, it's all good.

+1 to this. Someone who is a long term romantic partner isn't necessarily entitled to the lifetime earnings etc of the person they are dating. Particularly when you aren't buying a home together and building a family together (which typically requires sacrifices financially from one or both), which is what typically justifies money being a joint asset.

The type of relationships that are suited to this situation are usually where both people have their own lives, can support themselves financially, and are not critically dependent on each other. They actually enjoy spending time together.

I’ve known several women in such relationships. They were all cut off by his kids right after the man’s death and had a huge crisis of identity and felt very depressed and lonely. Usually the man still spends resources on joint travel, free time together and hobbies which creates a fake impression of unity. There is still a drastic fallout in lifestyle upon his death and in all cases I know the “partners” were not even invited to funeral out of concern of legal claims.
I wouldn’t deal with “separated” men and I am high NW

If you are truly high NW, you have an attorney and a sense of how contracts work. Write one, sign it, have him sign it, have it notarized, protect yourself and your assets. Nobody's getting "cut off from his kids" in a situation where there's amicable relationships. Similarly, nobody sane is going to be making, or making accusations of, legal claims at a funeral.

So no, you haven't known "several women in such relationships", you're just feeding the trolls, and it's junk food, at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

I'm the "other woman" in a situation like this. My partner/boyfriend/whatever you want to call it has been separated but not divorced from his wife for nearly 15 years. I don't need to worry about what's in it for me if he dies because I have boatloads more money than he does. If anything, he's the one who is missing out on tons by not marrying me.

People make non-traditional arrangements for their lives all the time. As long as there is clarity, clear communication and free will, it's all good.

+1 to this. Someone who is a long term romantic partner isn't necessarily entitled to the lifetime earnings etc of the person they are dating. Particularly when you aren't buying a home together and building a family together (which typically requires sacrifices financially from one or both), which is what typically justifies money being a joint asset.

The type of relationships that are suited to this situation are usually where both people have their own lives, can support themselves financially, and are not critically dependent on each other. They actually enjoy spending time together.

I’ve known several women in such relationships. They were all cut off by his kids right after the man’s death and had a huge crisis of identity and felt very depressed and lonely. Usually the man still spends resources on joint travel, free time together and hobbies which creates a fake impression of unity. There is still a drastic fallout in lifestyle upon his death and in all cases I know the “partners” were not even invited to funeral out of concern of legal claims.
I wouldn’t deal with “separated” men and I am high NW

If you are truly high NW, you have an attorney and a sense of how contracts work. Write one, sign it, have him sign it, have it notarized, protect yourself and your assets. Nobody's getting "cut off from his kids" in a situation where there's amicable relationships. Similarly, nobody sane is going to be making, or making accusations of, legal claims at a funeral.

So no, you haven't known "several women in such relationships", you're just feeding the trolls, and it's junk food, at that.

The women in question were not high NW . They were just well-odd retirees (own home decent pension). Men paid for vacations etc. I don’t know a single ex partner happy with ending pf life situation in this scenario and wouldn’t invest myself unless he was very hot and younger,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not inviting a partner to the funeral seems cruel.

And not allowed to hospital etc. this is why people who care and love marry their lifetime partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not inviting a partner to the funeral seems cruel.

And not allowed to hospital etc. this is why people who care and love marry their lifetime partners.

Not a requirement, just the traditional/easy route. You can establish legal plans for your caregivers, who can make decisions for you if incapacitated, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

You have a net worth of $9 million. By any definition, you are rich.

Rich people who pretend they are not rich are infuriating.

(I envy both your staggering wealth and your great marriage…sounds like you have a friendly partnership that works well!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the insights in this thread. I am considering going the separation route if things with DH don’t improve in the next 1-2 years. He is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD (and likely high functioning autism), and I certainly have my flaws, but he is a very difficult person to be married to.

His behaviors (frequent emotional outbursts at minor provocations, Jekyll/Hyde personality, selfishness re: division of labor) killed any emotional connection we once had and I’m at my limit. We have two young kids and have done counseling, etc but not much has changed.

I have no desire to remarry and he says neither does he, am a high GS fed (he’s currently unemployed/“self-employed”), and we have a second house house he can live in. If the ADHD medication route doesn’t work, I think this is the way so my kids’ lives are not blown up and I’m not paying him child support. We’re low conflict, friendly when he’s stable, and he’s a decent dad.

You are describing my STBX. I have posted here before. I was trying to wait until the kids were 18 because I could not see a universe where he would be able to care for them, and his poor treatment of me became increasingly justified in his mind by his late-in-life diagnoses of AuDHD. Anyway, he got more and more hostile and I was just trying to survive, and he basically had a long term autistic meltdown that ended in a surprise divorce filing. And now it is a true nightmare. Imagine someone with adhd and the self-righteousness but mind blindness that comes from autism, then give them money and the legal system.

Please do what you can to get every single password and login, secure your finances, make sure friends and family have house keys, and get your kids in extracurriculars that get them around healthy adult male role models and/or are very time consuming. The latter is all that is keeping my kids going.

Wow, I feel like my DH is a twin of yours and OP’s. I have stayed because I know he will become the absolute enemy if I left. I wish we had a 2nd house for him to go to.

Hes a great dad when he’s in the mood to be which is about 20% of the time but that’s utterly unpredictable. Most of the time he’s just moody and awful.
He does cook for us every day though which is something.

He lost a long term job lately (he held it for 30 years and is in his 50’s) and I don’t k win if he will ever be employed again. It’s been difficult.