S/O: Separated but not "divorced"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

PP you're replying to - I don't date, and I don't care what my ex does. "What happens over there stays over there and I stay out of it" is a critical component of this functioning well. I don't even bother trying to control my ex, and they're never happy when they try to control me. We're separated because we don't want that connection anymore, so we keep it separate.

Yes understood. I was not asking so much about how you or he feels—more whether or not the people you date (if any) can understand this type of agreement. In other words my situation is this: I think something similar could suit me, and maybe my STBX, but I’m expecting he will face pressure to file at some point from a woman who doesn’t understand or trust our situation. To your point it’s nothing I can control I guess.

If it's a dynamic that works for you both, you'll be more motivated to choose partners it also works for than to mess it up. Future tripping about how your not-quite-ex-husband will someday meet a woman who will 'make' him file out of jealousy or whatever isn't a great use of your time and resources. Depending on your ages, neither of you may want to remarry. If your husband is looking to remarry, this dynamic probably won't work for the two of you, let alone any future partners.

But it's not that hard to find people who don't want to marry, but may want a casual relationship, FWB, "dating" as the pp upthread called it, a consensually nonmonogamous relationship, a situationship, a live-in bestie, or any number of other nontraditional partnership structures with which this dynamic is completely compatible.

If I were dating someone right now who tried to demand that I divorce my not-ex, I'd dump them. The dynamic was made clear at the start, and this is how it is because I want it to be this way (for now). I do understand that it's not for some people, and I respect that, but it works for me and, for now, I have no intention of changing it. It's also not a forever promise to my not-ex. Should that situation occur, well, changes get made. That's how we ended up separated but not divorced in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I so wish my STBX has accepted separation as an option. We have two houses and it could have easily worked without disrupting either of our lives. However, he is very naive and ignorant of anything beyond his bachelor days and his parents’ marriage, so he did not understand separation as a concept. He thought it literally described when you are in a marriage that isn’t great, not that it was an actual standalone concept, let alone a separate legal one. And this is a man with graduate degrees earning 7 figures.

So anyway…when our marriage got hard he went and filed for divorce without warning because that’s how he thought it worked.

Separation is a very good way to preserve assets and give them time to grow in a down market, buy time in a bad real estate market, preserve access to healthcare, give children agency over their housing situation (especially if they are tweens or young teens and in a state that does not take their preference into consideration), etc.

My STBX has no desire to date or even interact with human beings. In a situation like that, separation is a much better option than divorce. But it takes two people to agree to that and if it was that easy for a couple, maybe even separation would not be on the table.

Ooof. I'm sorry, pp. That's horrid. What an immature, selfish thing to do. I could say you're better off without him, and you near-certainly are, but I'm more focused on how utterly foolish that decision is. That's how you get a contentious divorce that drags everything out, costs entirely too much, and leaves everybody scarred. I'm so sorry someone who promised to love you took that track, and honestly shaken up by how ridiculous it is for a so-called adult to take a "let's just do the trope they use in movies" approach to a major life decision that affects multiple parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think lots of rich people just live in two houses. I’m happily married, but if I wasn’t, I think one of us would just spend a ton of time at our beach house. I don’t think either of us would date.

Yeah right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We stayed “not divorced” but living separately for health insurance but eventually just filed.

This is our situation too, plus we’ll pay
more taxes if we file as singles. We have two kids in private HS and financing two separate households is a stretch. Not having to lose the benefit of filing jointly and him paying out of pocket for health insurance makes enough of a financial difference that it’s worth it for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think lots of rich people just live in two houses. I’m happily married, but if I wasn’t, I think one of us would just spend a ton of time at our beach house. I don’t think either of us would date.

I have family members who have done this- they bought two houses in the same neighborhood for the kids could easily go back and forth. They moved back together once the kids finished college and they got older and I assume started to get lonely.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

[Anonymous]

For religious reasons (and shared healthcare and savings on taxes would be a perk, though due to who STBX is I couldn't necessarily rely on that) I would love to do this, but I'm in a state where it is incredibly difficult. I think there's technically a way to do it, but it's complicated.

My STBX is not safe to live under the same roof with. Also there would be custody issues if we could figure out just a separation. And STBX wouldn't accept it unless there was some legal teeth to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

PP you're replying to - I don't date, and I don't care what my ex does. "What happens over there stays over there and I stay out of it" is a critical component of this functioning well. I don't even bother trying to control my ex, and they're never happy when they try to control me. We're separated because we don't want that connection anymore, so we keep it separate.

Yes understood. I was not asking so much about how you or he feels—more whether or not the people you date (if any) can understand this type of agreement. In other words my situation is this: I think something similar could suit me, and maybe my STBX, but I’m expecting he will face pressure to file at some point from a woman who doesn’t understand or trust our situation. To your point it’s nothing I can control I guess.

If it's a dynamic that works for you both, you'll be more motivated to choose partners it also works for than to mess it up. Future tripping about how your not-quite-ex-husband will someday meet a woman who will 'make' him file out of jealousy or whatever isn't a great use of your time and resources. Depending on your ages, neither of you may want to remarry. If your husband is looking to remarry, this dynamic probably won't work for the two of you, let alone any future partners.

But it's not that hard to find people who don't want to marry, but may want a casual relationship, FWB, "dating" as the pp upthread called it, a consensually nonmonogamous relationship, a situationship, a live-in bestie, or any number of other nontraditional partnership structures with which this dynamic is completely compatible.

If I were dating someone right now who tried to demand that I divorce my not-ex, I'd dump them. The dynamic was made clear at the start, and this is how it is because I want it to be this way (for now). I do understand that it's not for some people, and I respect that, but it works for me and, for now, I have no intention of changing it. It's also not a forever promise to my not-ex. Should that situation occur, well, changes get made. That's how we ended up separated but not divorced in the first place.

Thank you. Really helpful to have this perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

DP but I'm side-eyeing you so hard, coming in here with your casual humblebrag about your alleged 9 milli nw. You could've left it at "We're not rich, but have enough not to worry..." You didn't, and now you want to bring everyone's attention back to you.

Make your own thread (so we can mock you correctly).

[Anonymous]

Ex and I have our own separate residences and no need to legally divorce.

We are civil but not friendly, he doesn't want to get married again and neither do I.

We already have no contact, I haven't seen him in 6 years. There's just no reason to pay tens of thousands of dollars to split other mutual assets at this point.

He doesn't limit me and I don't interfere in hiss life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I so wish my STBX has accepted separation as an option. We have two houses and it could have easily worked without disrupting either of our lives. However, he is very naive and ignorant of anything beyond his bachelor days and his parents’ marriage, so he did not understand separation as a concept. He thought it literally described when you are in a marriage that isn’t great, not that it was an actual standalone concept, let alone a separate legal one. And this is a man with graduate degrees earning 7 figures.

So anyway…when our marriage got hard he went and filed for divorce without warning because that’s how he thought it worked.

Separation is a very good way to preserve assets and give them time to grow in a down market, buy time in a bad real estate market, preserve access to healthcare, give children agency over their housing situation (especially if they are tweens or young teens and in a state that does not take their preference into consideration), etc.

My STBX has no desire to date or even interact with human beings. In a situation like that, separation is a much better option than divorce. But it takes two people to agree to that and if it was that easy for a couple, maybe even separation would not be on the table.

Ooof. I'm sorry, pp. That's horrid. What an immature, selfish thing to do. I could say you're better off without him, and you near-certainly are, but I'm more focused on how utterly foolish that decision is. That's how you get a contentious divorce that drags everything out, costs entirely too much, and leaves everybody scarred. I'm so sorry someone who promised to love you took that track, and honestly shaken up by how ridiculous it is for a so-called adult to take a "let's just do the trope they use in movies" approach to a major life decision that affects multiple parties.

Accurate- it made it immediately contentious, extraordinarily expensive, and our children are already scarred just 6 months into what I can see will be a long process. There were attorneys who basically cut our initial consults short and didn't charge me because some amount of collaboration is now expected and the norm for many family law practices. exDH doesn't understand that even a temporary separation would have given us the time to work out arrangements that would benefit him financially and help us deal with things like shared assets and logistics (particularly housing) in a way that wouldn't destroy our net worth. I won't be better off financially or emotionally because I can see how difference my children are than before STBX pulled the trigger. He broke them.

Funny you should mention movies because without my presence or intervention my STBX seems to use TV or movies to model his behavior and figure out how people do things.

Anyway, I think separation, first casual and then legal, is an ideal way for everyone to catch their breath, look around, and really examine the landscape of a relationship to figure out how or if divorce makes financial and logistical sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

DP but I'm side-eyeing you so hard, coming in here with your casual humblebrag about your alleged 9 milli nw. You could've left it at "We're not rich, but have enough not to worry..." You didn't, and now you want to bring everyone's attention back to you.

Make your own thread (so we can mock you correctly).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

DP but I'm side-eyeing you so hard, coming in here with your casual humblebrag about your alleged 9 milli nw. You could've left it at "We're not rich, but have enough not to worry..." You didn't, and now you want to bring everyone's attention back to you.

Make your own thread (so we can mock you correctly).

I don't consider 9 mil to be rich when we are more or less two households and we're not working. So not a humblebrag at all.