S/O: Separated but not "divorced"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

how old are you and the spouse?

we're now in our early 60s. but our arrangement isn't new.

Interesting. Is the male spouse dating ?

Nope. Why does everyone need to "date?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

how old are you and the spouse?

we're now in our early 60s. but our arrangement isn't new.

Interesting. Is the male spouse dating ?

Nope. Why does everyone need to "date?"

Healthy men usually have some L still at this age...

[Anonymous]

I have one friend who is separated but isn’t divorced because the ex needs health insurance. They live separately and she acts single and dates. The “ex” husband has a lot of various problems, mental and health.

I have another friend who is living in the same house during separation. She was a SAHM and is now working and can’t afford to live on her own so waiting for divorce to be complete. Their child is almost college aged so I think the husband is dragging divorce out as long as he can while their child is still in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

how old are you and the spouse?

we're now in our early 60s. but our arrangement isn't new.

Interesting. Is the male spouse dating ?

Nope. Why does everyone need to "date?"

Healthy men usually have some L still at this age...

That's quite the generalization. But even if true, one doesn't need to "date" to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

I think lots of rich people just live in two houses. I’m happily married, but if I wasn’t, I think one of us would just spend a ton of time at our beach house. I don’t think either of us would date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

So your kids know you’re basically living a lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

PP you're replying to - I don't date, and I don't care what my ex does. "What happens over there stays over there and I stay out of it" is a critical component of this functioning well. I don't even bother trying to control my ex, and they're never happy when they try to control me. We're separated because we don't want that connection anymore, so we keep it separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

So your kids know you’re basically living a lie?

This is gonna blow your mind, but people who can communicate well enough to make this dynamic work can communicate with their children, as well. No need to live a lie, or lie at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

So your kids know you’re basically living a lie?

I can't answer that without knowing which part is the "lie." Care to enlighten me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am in this situation. We have two homes, so are able to live apart, and it has been the biggest blessing not to have him around all the time. I don't have the energy to go through a potentially messy divorce until the kid leaves for college. The current setup works for everyone. The unusual thing in our situation is that we have not separated our finances. I manage everything and he is very frugal, so it works.

Thank you. what do you think would be messy about the divorce that you prefer to wait/avoid until kid is in college?

I'm the PP to whom you have replied. Divorce brings out the worst in people. I expect my H would get irrational. Our current situation works for us, so there is no reason to change for me. Others' situation can be different, so your divorce might be smooth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

PP you're replying to - I don't date, and I don't care what my ex does. "What happens over there stays over there and I stay out of it" is a critical component of this functioning well. I don't even bother trying to control my ex, and they're never happy when they try to control me. We're separated because we don't want that connection anymore, so we keep it separate.

Yes understood. I was not asking so much about how you or he feels—more whether or not the people you date (if any) can understand this type of agreement. In other words my situation is this: I think something similar could suit me, and maybe my STBX, but I’m expecting he will face pressure to file at some point from a woman who doesn’t understand or trust our situation. To your point it’s nothing I can control I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

how old are you and the spouse?

we're now in our early 60s. but our arrangement isn't new.

Interesting. Is the male spouse dating ?

Nope. Why does everyone need to "date?"

Who do you have sex with?

[Anonymous]

I so wish my STBX has accepted separation as an option. We have two houses and it could have easily worked without disrupting either of our lives. However, he is very naive and ignorant of anything beyond his bachelor days and his parents’ marriage, so he did not understand separation as a concept. He thought it literally described when you are in a marriage that isn’t great, not that it was an actual standalone concept, let alone a separate legal one. And this is a man with graduate degrees earning 7 figures.

So anyway…when our marriage got hard he went and filed for divorce without warning because that’s how he thought it worked.

Separation is a very good way to preserve assets and give them time to grow in a down market, buy time in a bad real estate market, preserve access to healthcare, give children agency over their housing situation (especially if they are tweens or young teens and in a state that does not take their preference into consideration), etc.

My STBX has no desire to date or even interact with human beings. In a situation like that, separation is a much better option than divorce. But it takes two people to agree to that and if it was that easy for a couple, maybe even separation would not be on the table.

[Anonymous]

I understand the access to shared healthcare but if physically separated with kids into 2 households -unless you have the rented room situation above - how does it preserve financial assets anymore than actually dividing them up would?