S/O: Separated but not "divorced"

[Anonymous]

9 mil is high net worth and very wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

Transparency. Im separated and have a wonderful bf of a year.

It's a lot easier for women to date when separated than for men.

This is because men don't care that they're committing adultery with married/separated women. But women are told all the time not to date a separated man because he's still married. It's a double standard.

For this reason alone, it's best for men to go through with the divorce. Otherwise it will be harder to get laid.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the insights in this thread. I am considering going the separation route if things with DH don’t improve in the next 1-2 years. He is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD (and likely high functioning autism), and I certainly have my flaws, but he is a very difficult person to be married to.

His behaviors (frequent emotional outbursts at minor provocations, Jekyll/Hyde personality, selfishness re: division of labor) killed any emotional connection we once had and I’m at my limit. We have two young kids and have done counseling, etc but not much has changed.

I have no desire to remarry and he says neither does he, am a high GS fed (he’s currently unemployed/“self-employed”), and we have a second house house he can live in. If the ADHD medication route doesn’t work, I think this is the way so my kids’ lives are not blown up and I’m not paying him child support. We’re low conflict, friendly when he’s stable, and he’s a decent dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

Companionship and love until he dies and fond memories after he dies.

[Anonymous]

There are TONS of women in places like NoVA with ex husbands who are paying serious amounts of alimony to them, SO LONG AS THEY DON'T REMARRY. It's no surprise that this creates a huge incentive for these women to not remarry or even move in with a new man. My DH has an XW he divorced over 20 years ago who would have been crazy to remarry, and so she didn't. She got a ridiculously great gravy train from the divorce that still flows over two decades after their divorce.

I just saw a recent picture of her on his DC's Christmas card and the XW is still a very attractive woman who would have no problem attracting a man. I have no doubt that she just did the math and realized she had no financial incentive to remarry or let a man move into the house that DH was paying for. Why get a job or deal with a husband when your XH will cover all of your expenses??? A man like OP's husband would be perfect for her!

[Anonymous]

"I have no desire to remarry and he says neither does he, am a high GS fed (he’s currently unemployed/“self-employed”), and we have a second house house he can live in. If the ADHD medication route doesn’t work, I think this is the way so my kids’ lives are not blown up and I’m not paying him child support. We’re low conflict, friendly when he’s stable, and he’s a decent dad."

If this was OP who wrote this, you should be aware that if your DH is not bringing in much money now, you will almost certainly have to pay him alimony on top of child support. DC is not nearly as bad as VA. I'm not sure which one you're in. But in VA, the default will be that the higher earning subsidizes the low/no earner so that they can maintain the lifestyle they've been accustomed to until now. So, you'll be forced to live at a lower standard of living in order to be able to keep him nice and comfy. It is ridiculous how the rules work in some jurisdictions. In DC, the low/no earner has to demonstrate that they cannot afford to live a non-poverty life without your help, but not in VA. Depending on how long he's not worked and his age, he might not even be expected to get an easy cashier job to defray the amount you'd need to pay him as alimony.

[Anonymous]

PP again. This definitely sounds like a case of "It's Cheaper to Keep H(im)."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the insights in this thread. I am considering going the separation route if things with DH don’t improve in the next 1-2 years. He is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD (and likely high functioning autism), and I certainly have my flaws, but he is a very difficult person to be married to.

His behaviors (frequent emotional outbursts at minor provocations, Jekyll/Hyde personality, selfishness re: division of labor) killed any emotional connection we once had and I’m at my limit. We have two young kids and have done counseling, etc but not much has changed.

I have no desire to remarry and he says neither does he, am a high GS fed (he’s currently unemployed/“self-employed”), and we have a second house house he can live in. If the ADHD medication route doesn’t work, I think this is the way so my kids’ lives are not blown up and I’m not paying him child support. We’re low conflict, friendly when he’s stable, and he’s a decent dad.

You are describing my STBX. I have posted here before. I was trying to wait until the kids were 18 because I could not see a universe where he would be able to care for them, and his poor treatment of me became increasingly justified in his mind by his late-in-life diagnoses of AuDHD. Anyway, he got more and more hostile and I was just trying to survive, and he basically had a long term autistic meltdown that ended in a surprise divorce filing. And now it is a true nightmare. Imagine someone with adhd and the self-righteousness but mind blindness that comes from autism, then give them money and the legal system.

Please do what you can to get every single password and login, secure your finances, make sure friends and family have house keys, and get your kids in extracurriculars that get them around healthy adult male role models and/or are very time consuming. The latter is all that is keeping my kids going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. Family events like graduations and Thanksgiving were more or less the same but they were otherwise apart. My dad got a new partner. My mom didn't want one. My mom and my dad's new partner got along. I thought the situation worked out well for all concerned.

My mom said the only reason to divorce is if you want to remarry. I actually think divorcing helps if you want to date, even if you don't want to remarry, but I know many people who openly date as separated people.

What is in it for your dad’s partner if he dies ?

Companionship and love until he dies and fond memories after he dies.

Did your father make any arrangements to take care of her wellbeing anf financial stability after he dies ? If not, I would seriously question his love and affection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are TONS of women in places like NoVA with ex husbands who are paying serious amounts of alimony to them, SO LONG AS THEY DON'T REMARRY. It's no surprise that this creates a huge incentive for these women to not remarry or even move in with a new man. My DH has an XW he divorced over 20 years ago who would have been crazy to remarry, and so she didn't. She got a ridiculously great gravy train from the divorce that still flows over two decades after their divorce.

I just saw a recent picture of her on his DC's Christmas card and the XW is still a very attractive woman who would have no problem attracting a man. I have no doubt that she just did the math and realized she had no financial incentive to remarry or let a man move into the house that DH was paying for. Why get a job or deal with a husband when your XH will cover all of your expenses??? A man like OP's husband would be perfect for her!

Yeah, my boyfriends ex is getting around $500k per year alimony for 4 years plus $7k/mon child support for the next 10.

[Anonymous]

I’m in this situation now, but rapidly approaching the end

My ex is having a midlife crisis and can’t seem to make up his mind about anything, so he initiated the separation and then didn’t seem able to go any further for a couple of years.

I was perfectly happy with the situation. The kids were getting older and more self-sufficient. Bills were getting paid. Things were pretty amicable - we were even able to travel as a family a couple of times with separate bedrooms.

Eventually, he filed, I assume it was girlfriend related or something. He seems to have no trouble finding people to date despite the fact that he is not yet divorced.

Because I was the only one committed to this path, it did take a little bit of tip toeing around
And making an effort not to rock the boat, but I think it was worth it in the end. A couple of years makes a big difference for teens in terms of maturity and ability to handle the drama that has started now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

DP but I'm side-eyeing you so hard, coming in here with your casual humblebrag about your alleged 9 milli nw. You could've left it at "We're not rich, but have enough not to worry..." You didn't, and now you want to bring everyone's attention back to you.

Make your own thread (so we can mock you correctly).

NP. Agree! The reference to 9 mil was so gratuitous. I bet that number slips out at cocktail parties along with her kids’ SAT scores.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this for a few years and I think it worked out pretty well. My mom asked my dad for a separation after a few very tumultuous years in their marriage and he moved into an apartment 5 minutes from our house. He saw my sister (the only kid still at home) multiple times per week but she didn't do overnights at his apartment unless my mom was going out of town. After three years, my dad was ready to separate things financially, so he filed for divorce. They negotiated the whole divorce and saved thousands on attorneys fees because they had had this cooling off period. They actually get along okay now and often attend family events with kids and grandkids together. As an adult now, I'm impressed with how maturely they both handled the divorce after watching some friends and extended family get divorced. Of course, a situation like my parents is only possible when both parties are willing and their is some level of trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married young, have grown children and grandchildren and retired early. We have gradually reached the point of living entirely separate lives but with no plans (that I know of) of ever getting divorced. We rarely if ever spend any time together unless we are with our kids and grandkids or visiting relatives or going out with old friends. Everyone has a good sense of where we are with this and we don't really hide it -- but we don't talk much about it with other people either.

We have two houses and one of us spends the bulk of our time in one and the other vice-versa, but when we're all together and space is at a premium we will sleep in the same bed.

We travel separately and sometimes for several weeks at a time.

We communicate largely by text and largely just to coordinate family activities (we are both very close with all of our kids, who are all local) and to arrange the occasional outing with friends.

We aren't rich but have enough not to worry (net worth $9 million) and we have similar approaches to money and trust each other on that issue so there's no problem there.

I suppose if we were younger we'd divorce, but since neither of us has any interest in another partner and are fine being "single" forever there's just no need to. We don't fight and we respect each other enough that this works for us pretty easily.

sure, jan!

Which part are you questioning? That that's what we have or that that doesn't make us rich?

DP but I'm side-eyeing you so hard, coming in here with your casual humblebrag about your alleged 9 milli nw. You could've left it at "We're not rich, but have enough not to worry..." You didn't, and now you want to bring everyone's attention back to you.

Make your own thread (so we can mock you correctly).

I don't consider 9 mil to be rich when we are more or less two households and we're not working. So not a humblebrag at all.

You are wealthy beyond belief compared to most of America, and certainly the world. This is simply a fact. Your “consideration” is incorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now).

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?

Transparency. Im separated and have a wonderful bf of a year.

It's a lot easier for women to date when separated than for men.

This is because men don't care that they're committing adultery with married/separated women. But women are told all the time not to date a separated man because he's still married. It's a double standard.

For this reason alone, it's best for men to go through with the divorce. Otherwise it will be harder to get laid.

You…see what you did there, right?