Secrets to remaining married to narcissist and keeping inner happiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.

I’m shocked you married a narcissist given your self awareness and strong sense of agency. If you aren’t seeing a therapist specializing in family systems and attachment as well as personality disorders, I would strongly recommend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.

I’m shocked you married a narcissist given your self awareness and strong sense of agency. If you aren’t seeing a therapist specializing in family systems and attachment as well as personality disorders, I would strongly recommend it.

Sorry for making a sarcastic comment on this forum. But someone suggested that my children, who have two living parents, somehow grow up without one of them.
I don’t really think they are suggesting murder, but what exactly is the suggestion? I can’t speak for anyone else on this thread, but my husband has definitely promised to make my kids lives miserable if I leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.

I’m shocked you married a narcissist given your self awareness and strong sense of agency. If you aren’t seeing a therapist specializing in family systems and attachment as well as personality disorders, I would strongly recommend it.

Sorry for making a sarcastic comment on this forum. But someone suggested that my children, who have two living parents, somehow grow up without one of them.
I don’t really think they are suggesting murder, but what exactly is the suggestion? I can’t speak for anyone else on this thread, but my husband has definitely promised to make my kids lives miserable if I leave him.

DP. But they are already miserable now. I know someone dealing with this, and her poor kid is utterly miserable. A divorced would provide a hone for the kud to breath 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.

I’m shocked you married a narcissist given your self awareness and strong sense of agency. If you aren’t seeing a therapist specializing in family systems and attachment as well as personality disorders, I would strongly recommend it.

Sorry for making a sarcastic comment on this forum. But someone suggested that my children, who have two living parents, somehow grow up without one of them.
I don’t really think they are suggesting murder, but what exactly is the suggestion? I can’t speak for anyone else on this thread, but my husband has definitely promised to make my kids lives miserable if I leave him.

My father made all our lives miserable and my mother stayed anyway - social stigma of divorce and she liked the extra cash.

I lived and breathed for the two months every summer I was sent to my maternal grandmother’s home to stay with her and my step grandad. They are the reason for all that is best about me, and my resilience.

I’m now 55 years old and I have no feelings of affection or respect when I think of my deceased mother from whom I estranged myself at 30 - she was still with my father and demanding I present myself to the family home for regular denigration by his lordship. Nope.

My mother and I were very close when I was growing up - I’m sure she thought it was all good. Truth is she made me her little counselor and she manipulated me in her lifelong struggle with my father. It was all very gross and in my 20s when I got away to college and independence, I started to really see BOTH my parents for who they were.

Just be aware that when you enable your narcissistic spouse in their negligence in the marriage and the parenting, you run the very real risk of losing your kids eventually. There are millions of adult children - including on this board - who finally broke off or are at very least grey rock with dysfunctional parents like this. And yes, when you stay and force your kids to be there 24/7, you ARE part of the problem.

I’m sorry for your plight and not being a jerk, just being honest. You should at very least get into therapy at some point with your kids when they are old enough and have that be a place where honesty happens. As of now it’s all a lie and kids eventually really resent that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.

I’m shocked you married a narcissist given your self awareness and strong sense of agency. If you aren’t seeing a therapist specializing in family systems and attachment as well as personality disorders, I would strongly recommend it.

Sorry for making a sarcastic comment on this forum. But someone suggested that my children, who have two living parents, somehow grow up without one of them.
I don’t really think they are suggesting murder, but what exactly is the suggestion? I can’t speak for anyone else on this thread, but my husband has definitely promised to make my kids lives miserable if I leave him.

My father made all our lives miserable and my mother stayed anyway - social stigma of divorce and she liked the extra cash.

I lived and breathed for the two months every summer I was sent to my maternal grandmother’s home to stay with her and my step grandad. They are the reason for all that is best about me, and my resilience.

I’m now 55 years old and I have no feelings of affection or respect when I think of my deceased mother from whom I estranged myself at 30 - she was still with my father and demanding I present myself to the family home for regular denigration by his lordship. Nope.

My mother and I were very close when I was growing up - I’m sure she thought it was all good. Truth is she made me her little counselor and she manipulated me in her lifelong struggle with my father. It was all very gross and in my 20s when I got away to college and independence, I started to really see BOTH my parents for who they were.

Just be aware that when you enable your narcissistic spouse in their negligence in the marriage and the parenting, you run the very real risk of losing your kids eventually. There are millions of adult children - including on this board - who finally broke off or are at very least grey rock with dysfunctional parents like this. And yes, when you stay and force your kids to be there 24/7, you ARE part of the problem.

I’m sorry for your plight and not being a jerk, just being honest. You should at very least get into therapy at some point with your kids when they are old enough and have that be a place where honesty happens. As of now it’s all a lie and kids eventually really resent that.

Very insightful! These PPs should at least consider sending their kids somewhere healthy in the summer so they can get some perspective on how toxic their homes are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

I do the same thing. 10 years until our youngest goes to college, then I'm out. It gives me a lot of peace to know that there is an end and I'm already planning for it. In the interim, I'm trying to plan solo trips in 2026. It helps to have things to look forward to. For me, it's a big cycling trip for my birthday that I’ve always wanted to do, and taking my kids on a rafting trip this summer, and visiting a friend for a beach trip in the fall. None of these will include DH, so these are my moments.

If you are married to a narcissist, how are you able to do these trips? Especially with relatively young kids. I can’t even get away for a night.

I’m not that poster, but I just throw my kids in the car and go. He might be mad when I get back, but he might be mad if I had to work late or I left the sidewalk chalk out on the driveway. When you get mad about everything, it loses some of its power.

But you are taking the kids. OP was talking about going on a girls or solo trip without the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

This is inaccurate. People do change. Personalities change with age. Have you ever heard of the midlife crisis?

Men tend to get depressed as they get older, which leads to anger and other illogical, behaviors that no one would ever have predicted. There are so many women who think they had a normal husband, but it all blows up around the time he turns 50.

Sure, it’s possible he was a jerk from the start, and she married him for the wrong reasons, but it’s also possible. He was perfectly normal and she married him for the right reasons, and then he changed. It’s a

+1. This describes my DH.

In hindsight were there some red flags? Yes but it was minor things that at the time, all the good things much more than balanced out.

And for 14 years things were good. Then my DH, around the age of 50, started to exhibit behaviors that were anxiety? Depression? Or maybe he was NPD all along and when our kid reached an age where he was no longer worshipping Dad unquestionably, and developed his own thoughts and interests, made Dad ramp it up.

I don’t know, but he was not the man I married, and I screwed up by putting up with it, and just trying to keep peace in the house. Walking on eggshells and teaching my kids to do the same. I have so many regrets.

SAME! My ex's narcissism grew exponentially as he became financially successful. He's a "functioning" alcoholic. I was sober. Around the time his success went to his head I relapsed. I think the only way I could face staying in that family unit was by drinking. When I got sober again he ran for the hills. I'm still happily sober and happily involved someone who is very very different to my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

OMG, OP. I just came here to post exactly this question, but from a more - should I try to stay married to this man-child/covert narcissist/emotionally stunted/not very kind - angle, for the sake of our children and mostly so that they will not have to be in his care 50% of the time.

So sorry you’re dealing with this!

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, but he was not the man I married, and I screwed up by putting up with it, and just trying to keep peace in the house. Walking on eggshells and teaching my kids to do the same. I have so many regrets.

PP, will you explain? What would you have done differently and how do you think that would have played out for your kids? I’m in a similar scenario with very young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.

I’m shocked you married a narcissist given your self awareness and strong sense of agency. If you aren’t seeing a therapist specializing in family systems and attachment as well as personality disorders, I would strongly recommend it.

Sorry for making a sarcastic comment on this forum. But someone suggested that my children, who have two living parents, somehow grow up without one of them.
I don’t really think they are suggesting murder, but what exactly is the suggestion? I can’t speak for anyone else on this thread, but my husband has definitely promised to make my kids lives miserable if I leave him.

My DH is so lacking as a parent and so clueless about his own emotions and unable to access any empathy that he would likely not even realize what he was doing if he destroyed our children in the process of getting back at me. If I leave, this is what I think will happen, intentionally or not. I feel (am) so trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

I do the same thing. 10 years until our youngest goes to college, then I'm out. It gives me a lot of peace to know that there is an end and I'm already planning for it. In the interim, I'm trying to plan solo trips in 2026. It helps to have things to look forward to. For me, it's a big cycling trip for my birthday that I’ve always wanted to do, and taking my kids on a rafting trip this summer, and visiting a friend for a beach trip in the fall. None of these will include DH, so these are my moments.

If you are married to a narcissist, how are you able to do these trips? Especially with relatively young kids. I can’t even get away for a night.

I’m not that poster, but I just throw my kids in the car and go. He might be mad when I get back, but he might be mad if I had to work late or I left the sidewalk chalk out on the driveway. When you get mad about everything, it loses some of its power.

But you are taking the kids. OP was talking about going on a girls or solo trip without the kids.

You’re right. I didn’t see that! I have such a hard time leaving the house sometimes.
I do meet up with some women to row in the mornings (erg right now). DH is all about me exercising, and one of the ladies I row with is a surgeon, so we are all off the water by 6:15am, which leaves me enough time to get home and get the kids off to school.

You’re right that I can’t get to any competitions. The idea of being gone for a whole day without the kids is just not possible.

My kids are older than OP’s and it’s so bizarre to me that I can leave them home on their own for a couple of hours, but I would never leave them at home with DH while I went to the grocery store or took one kid to an activity or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know, but he was not the man I married, and I screwed up by putting up with it, and just trying to keep peace in the house. Walking on eggshells and teaching my kids to do the same. I have so many regrets.

PP, will you explain? What would you have done differently and how do you think that would have played out for your kids? I’m in a similar scenario with very young kids.

Hi, I’m PP.

That’s the $64,000 question, how it would have played out for my kids if I had left my DH when his behavior started to really ramp up. Would they have been better off? They’re young adults now, but still in the home (a college freshman and a recent college grad trying to save money to buy a place) and I’m still with DH. There is so much tension and I’m a pit of anxiety all the time (I otherwise am not an anxious person) waiting for the next shoe to drop.

If I had left, I’m pretty confident my DH would not have fought for much custody, if any. He would have said fine, I don’t need any of you. But I stayed, constantly thinking, “if I can just smooth this latest thing over, it’ll be okay”. But the next thing always came, and I’ve been playing whack-a-mole for a decade.

What I would have done differently looking back, is I wish I had left with the kids when my oldest was about 12 and DH was starting to really exhibit the classic NPD father behaviors when his kids are no longer young, adoring, and idolizing him. When my oldest got to the point where he started to have his own ideas about things and express them. Things like DS wanted to go in a different sport direction than DH had chosen for him and DH reacted poorly. Or DH was only interested in the kids as far as he could brag about them to other people. I don’t really know about NPD then and that this wasn’t going to change.

I’m sorry that you’re in this position. I hope it’s a little helpful just knowing you aren’t alone.

[Anonymous]

OP here - i’m hearing people say that lowering expectations of what partner is capable of is helpful - i agree (although sometimes i am still lulled into expecting empathy) - it would be easier if there were a limp or visual cue of something broken, if that makes sense.

Also, a therapist helps spot the narcissistic patterns— which also helps me—- as far as not getting sucked into analyzing the irrational or trying to negotiate etc. helps me disengage from trying to negotiate with irrational behavior.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all of this. I stayed for the kids. Mistake. Peel off the band aid. It gets worse over time.

And no, nobody will see it but you. Run… now.. just do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You develop really strong boundaries, and condition yourself to not care about his reactions to them.

On Saturday, we were going to go to a restaurant that we love that closes at 8. At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner. No reaction, no yelling back, no guilty/anxious feelings on my part: his reaction is not my problem. When we got back, I didn’t bring it up, and I am not letting it fester.

It took years of therapy to get here though. So I also suggest therapy.

I know you say you ignore his reaction, but has his reaction ever been threatening or dangerous? I do the same thing now, often in response to his passive-aggressive nonsense, but a few times it has made things even worse. It's never crossed a clear line, but things like punching a wall, or throwing an objection in my direction, but not quite at me. The more I ignore his reactions, the harder he sometimes tries to get a response out of me.

That’s not crossing a line?!? Wow, we have very different standards.