Secrets to remaining married to narcissist and keeping inner happiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

What's the point of all these questions? So what if they made bad decisions in the past?They are in it now and trying to figure out how to survive.

She wants to stay married so it matters. It is the same guy. It wouldn't matter if she wanted to leave but she wants to stay with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You develop really strong boundaries, and condition yourself to not care about his reactions to them.

On Saturday, we were going to go to a restaurant that we love that closes at 8. At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner. No reaction, no yelling back, no guilty/anxious feelings on my part: his reaction is not my problem. When we got back, I didn’t bring it up, and I am not letting it fester.

It took years of therapy to get here though. So I also suggest therapy.

I would say it’s not worth it though. I lasted 10 years. The advice friends gave me was useless because as annoying as their spouses were, they could not fathom how bad my relationship was and how small I had to make myself, where my happiness truly did not matter to my spouse at all. Leaving was the only way, plus therapy. I have grown and my spirit has truly soared since leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You develop really strong boundaries, and condition yourself to not care about his reactions to them.

On Saturday, we were going to go to a restaurant that we love that closes at 8. At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner. No reaction, no yelling back, no guilty/anxious feelings on my part: his reaction is not my problem. When we got back, I didn’t bring it up, and I am not letting it fester.

It took years of therapy to get here though. So I also suggest therapy.

I know you say you ignore his reaction, but has his reaction ever been threatening or dangerous? I do the same thing now, often in response to his passive-aggressive nonsense, but a few times it has made things even worse. It's never crossed a clear line, but things like punching a wall, or throwing an objection in my direction, but not quite at me. The more I ignore his reactions, the harder he sometimes tries to get a response out of me.

OP here - what you are writing is so so familiar. i basically do a similar strategy; have been seeing therapist for 10 years; how do you let go of feeling like walking on eggshells? I still feel like at any moment that startled feeling when i am happy and calm.

[Anonymous]

Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

This is inaccurate. People do change. Personalities change with age. Have you ever heard of the midlife crisis?

Men tend to get depressed as they get older, which leads to anger and other illogical, behaviors that no one would ever have predicted. There are so many women who think they had a normal husband, but it all blows up around the time he turns 50.

Sure, it’s possible he was a jerk from the start, and she married him for the wrong reasons, but it’s also possible. He was perfectly normal and she married him for the right reasons, and then he changed. It’s also possible that there were very minor things that in hindsight should’ve been red flags, but were not obvious at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

Hello there. It seems you're new to this planet, so let me explain humans to you. You see, among humans, there is a demographic called "liars" (pronounced with two syllables). Liars deliberately misrepresented themselves. Many of these liars have what is known as a "personality disorder" which tends to come with the ability to deceive others without remorse or guilt and to even enjoy it as some kind of game.

Many (most?) of these liars with personality disorders are men. These men are well aware that, if they show their real selves immediately, absolutely nobody will have anything to do with them. So, they focus all their energy on lying one woman into the legal morass that is known here on earth as "marriage" and trapping her with children before slowly revealing their truly evil personalities.

I would advise not looking down your nose at those who are unfortunate enough to be targeted by lying men. Instead, just hope you and no one you love ends up in their crosshairs. Now that you are aware of the existence of these evil beasts called lying ass men, go forth and be careful for as long as you're here on planet Earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

I do the same thing. 10 years until our youngest goes to college, then I'm out. It gives me a lot of peace to know that there is an end and I'm already planning for it. In the interim, I'm trying to plan solo trips in 2026. It helps to have things to look forward to. For me, it's a big cycling trip for my birthday that I’ve always wanted to do, and taking my kids on a rafting trip this summer, and visiting a friend for a beach trip in the fall. None of these will include DH, so these are my moments.

[Anonymous]

I found having a garden to be helpful. It was nice to have something that I could grow and tend to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

This is inaccurate. People do change. Personalities change with age. Have you ever heard of the midlife crisis?

Men tend to get depressed as they get older, which leads to anger and other illogical, behaviors that no one would ever have predicted. There are so many women who think they had a normal husband, but it all blows up around the time he turns 50.

Sure, it’s possible he was a jerk from the start, and she married him for the wrong reasons, but it’s also possible. He was perfectly normal and she married him for the right reasons, and then he changed. It’s also possible that there were very minor things that in hindsight should’ve been red flags, but were not obvious at the time.

+1. This describes my DH.

In hindsight were there some red flags? Yes but it was minor things that at the time, all the good things much more than balanced out.

And for 14 years things were good. Then my DH, around the age of 50, started to exhibit behaviors that were anxiety? Depression? Or maybe he was NPD all along and when our kid reached an age where he was no longer worshipping Dad unquestionably, and developed his own thoughts and interests, made Dad ramp it up.

I don’t know, but he was not the man I married, and I screwed up by putting up with it, and just trying to keep peace in the house. Walking on eggshells and teaching my kids to do the same. I have so many regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

I do the same thing. 10 years until our youngest goes to college, then I'm out. It gives me a lot of peace to know that there is an end and I'm already planning for it. In the interim, I'm trying to plan solo trips in 2026. It helps to have things to look forward to. For me, it's a big cycling trip for my birthday that I’ve always wanted to do, and taking my kids on a rafting trip this summer, and visiting a friend for a beach trip in the fall. None of these will include DH, so these are my moments.

If you are married to a narcissist, how are you able to do these trips? Especially with relatively young kids. I can’t even get away for a night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

Do you have a therapist? I would primarily be concerned for the children, especially a golden child/scapegoat dynamic. You can’t build a healthy family system with a narcissist and I’m not sure you can build a healthy family system around them? If you aren’t clear about the family system you came from you should try to understand it better, because there is something that attracted you to a narcissist and led you to have kids with a narcissist … and whatever toxicity led you to those decisions may lead you to create a dysfunctional family system with that person if you’re not really clear on things. Is there a reason you don’t want to divorce this person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - there is not just 1 kind of narcissist like some movie villain. Mine can be very charming and fun, and there is a lot about him I genuinely love. A lot of the top business leaders are narcisstic personality disorder, a lot of very successful people. Because there is a lot to love about their personalities and they have the “rizz.” It can be hard being in an intimate relationship w them, though.

I am asking for strategies of how people made it work, not for making the other posters on this board feel badly about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with a NPD parent will impact your children. Who cares about “rizz” in that context?

Well, I can’t take out a hit, so my kids are going to grow up with both of their parents.