Secrets to remaining married to narcissist and keeping inner happiness?

[Anonymous]

OMG are you kidding? Divorce. Just heads up divorcing a narcissist is awful. Worth the pain but it's not like regular divorce. I was with one for 30 years I can't get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

This. Family court does not give two licks about emotional abuse, and narcissistic fathers will fight for 50/50 (or more) to punish mom for leaving. Courts will grant 50/50 initially, and then the mom has to spend time and money to undo it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it amusing that there are vastly larger numbers of persons married to narcissist than there are actual narcissists.

If you truly think you are married to one, for heaven's sake just get divorced already.

I understand the sentiment, given the prevalence of complaints on this board, bur do you actually have a basis for this?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it amusing that there are vastly larger numbers of persons married to narcissist than there are actual narcissists.

If you truly think you are married to one, for heaven's sake just get divorced already.

Message boards like this are a self-selecting group so of course you will find more people in narcissistic relationships or unhappy relationships or dealing with affairs etc.... I found this board when I confronted my ex about his affair. People in solid relationships don't typically need to post questions or vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it amusing that there are vastly larger numbers of persons married to narcissist than there are actual narcissists.

If you truly think you are married to one, for heaven's sake just get divorced already.

I understand the sentiment, given the prevalence of complaints on this board, bur do you actually have a basis for this?.

DP. I’ve seen statistics that NPD is relatively rare, affecting 1-2% of population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

As a middle aged ‘kid’ whose mother stayed, I’m telling you it’s a fail choice. It’s not for the kids, who would much prefer to spend at least half their time away from the narcissist in a loving stable environment. Kids are resilient if they have some balance from the toxicity.

Get back to me in 20-30 years after your kids have finally told you how they really feel about what they’ve had to witness and endure inside the marriage of a narcissist and a narcissist enabler.

Moron. :roll:

[Anonymous]

I have no secret to happiness from my decades with my narc DW. The times I have been most content were the times I expected her to be who she is vs what I wanted. It’s not an easy or satisfying life, but there are easy and satisfying moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

As a middle aged ‘kid’ whose mother stayed, I’m telling you it’s a fail choice. It’s not for the kids, who would much prefer to spend at least half their time away from the narcissist in a loving stable environment. Kids are resilient if they have some balance from the toxicity.

Get back to me in 20-30 years after your kids have finally told you how they really feel about what they’ve had to witness and endure inside the marriage of a narcissist and a narcissist enabler.

Moron. :roll:

+1.

If this person is truly a narcissist and not just one because you disagree with them, you are actually doing more harm that good to your kids by staying.

They will never know what a peaceful lovong home should feel like and will carry that baggage into adulthood.

If you leave, they have one loving home 50% of the time. That is much better than no loving home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

As a middle aged ‘kid’ whose mother stayed, I’m telling you it’s a fail choice. It’s not for the kids, who would much prefer to spend at least half their time away from the narcissist in a loving stable environment. Kids are resilient if they have some balance from the toxicity.

Get back to me in 20-30 years after your kids have finally told you how they really feel about what they’ve had to witness and endure inside the marriage of a narcissist and a narcissist enabler.

Moron. :roll:

+1.

If this person is truly a narcissist and not just one because you disagree with them, you are actually doing more harm that good to your kids by staying.

They will never know what a peaceful lovong home should feel like and will carry that baggage into adulthood.

If you leave, they have one loving home 50% of the time. That is much better than no loving home.

Okay. But at least they will live to become adults. If they are alive, not addicted to drugs, and don’t have serious medical issues, we can work on whatever other issues they have.

[Anonymous]

What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

As a middle aged ‘kid’ whose mother stayed, I’m telling you it’s a fail choice. It’s not for the kids, who would much prefer to spend at least half their time away from the narcissist in a loving stable environment. Kids are resilient if they have some balance from the toxicity.

Get back to me in 20-30 years after your kids have finally told you how they really feel about what they’ve had to witness and endure inside the marriage of a narcissist and a narcissist enabler.

Moron. :roll:

+1.

If this person is truly a narcissist and not just one because you disagree with them, you are actually doing more harm that good to your kids by staying.

They will never know what a peaceful lovong home should feel like and will carry that baggage into adulthood.

If you leave, they have one loving home 50% of the time. That is much better than no loving home.

Okay. But at least they will live to become adults. If they are alive, not addicted to drugs, and don’t have serious medical issues, we can work on whatever other issues they have.

Exactly right. If you've never worried about whether your kids would survive (meaning literally live to see another day) alone with your spouse, then you don't understand the decision many women face. If you're fortunate to have a good marriage, spend a little time volunteering in a domestic violence shelter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

As a middle aged ‘kid’ whose mother stayed, I’m telling you it’s a fail choice. It’s not for the kids, who would much prefer to spend at least half their time away from the narcissist in a loving stable environment. Kids are resilient if they have some balance from the toxicity.

Get back to me in 20-30 years after your kids have finally told you how they really feel about what they’ve had to witness and endure inside the marriage of a narcissist and a narcissist enabler.

Moron. :roll:

+1.

If this person is truly a narcissist and not just one because you disagree with them, you are actually doing more harm that good to your kids by staying.

They will never know what a peaceful lovong home should feel like and will carry that baggage into adulthood.

If you leave, they have one loving home 50% of the time. That is much better than no loving home.

This is what I thought too. In reality, 50 percent of the time, the child heard about what a horrible person the other parent was, and that the other parent didn’t love them. The Nparent plotted with the child to “save” the child from the other parent, which meant the 50 percent in the loving home was spent trying to undo to the work of the Nparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you see in him that made you want to date him?

What did you see in him that made you fall in love with him?

What did you see in him that made you think he would be a great life long companion?

What was it about him that made you want to marry him?

What did you see in him after marriage that made you think he would be a great father and someone you wanted to raise children with?


Those traits and characteristics are still there. People with personality disorders don't suddenly change personalities.

What's the point of all these questions? So what if they made bad decisions in the past?They are in it now and trying to figure out how to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

What nonsense

[Anonymous]

At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner.

My heart sinks when I read stories like this. He creates the conflict and then goes nuclear when you acknowledge it. There's no way to win with someone like that. Nonjudgemental question: what keeps you in this marriage? Understand I'm not looking to challenge you. It's just hard to imagine a worse alternative than what you've described, short of threat of physical harm to your kids in a split custody situation.