Secrets to remaining married to narcissist and keeping inner happiness?

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you are making it work already. IMO the best you can hope for is that the marriage doesn’t destroy you. If he lets you do your own thing and you can grey rock him successfully, then you can find happiness and fulfillment elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

for him to die basically.

[Anonymous]

It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

Of course they’re not - the title of the thread is a concern for inner happiness, no concern for well being of children. And why stay married except for the extra paycheck raising kids? A woman without children would walk away from a toxic narcissist without a second thought, unless she was troubled herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

I do the same thing. 10 years until our youngest goes to college, then I'm out. It gives me a lot of peace to know that there is an end and I'm already planning for it. In the interim, I'm trying to plan solo trips in 2026. It helps to have things to look forward to. For me, it's a big cycling trip for my birthday that I’ve always wanted to do, and taking my kids on a rafting trip this summer, and visiting a friend for a beach trip in the fall. None of these will include DH, so these are my moments.

If you are married to a narcissist, how are you able to do these trips? Especially with relatively young kids. I can’t even get away for a night.

So far I'm only planning them. I also haven't gotten away for one night since our oldest was born.. In the summer, my parents have offered to host the kids while I travel, which I'll do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it amusing that there are vastly larger numbers of persons married to narcissist than there are actual narcissists.

If you truly think you are married to one, for heaven's sake just get divorced already.

I understand the sentiment, given the prevalence of complaints on this board, bur do you actually have a basis for this?.

DP. I’ve seen statistics that NPD is relatively rare, affecting 1-2% of population.

6% of the population, more males than females.

But a person can have strong narcissistic traits - and not be full blown NPD - and be capable of really messing up a partner and children.

People with strong narcissistic traits don’t do healthy interpersonal relationships and they most certainly don’t do healthy parenting. Strong narcissistic traits are indicative of emotional immaturity, profound insecurity and a skewed sense of self. These things don’t lend themselves to the patience, selflessness and loving encouragement required of a good partner and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

Play this out though: OP leaves. Her kids are with their NPD father 50% of the time, so they are still being exposed to his manipulation. One could argue at least OP has the chance to heal, but odds are better that her ex’s actions will bleed over to OP’s 50%.

The ex wants to destroy OP, and will do this through the kids. The kids be alienated from OP. She will spend 20% of her parenting time undoing the damage to her kids done by her ex. She will spend her resources on legal fees, trying to protect her kids or herself from her ex.

Maybe one day the kids will grow up and see who the problem is. Or maybe they will be narcissists themselves. Or maybe they will be so alienated from OP that they have no relationship with her.

By definition, a narcissist is not going to suddenly change his ways and be an amicable coparent when OP leaves. The kids’ fate was sealed when OP got pregnant. OP’s choice is to endure her husband but have her kids full time, or to leave her husband but still be controlled by him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

If divorcing meant he would disappear from our lives, I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I think the reality is that divorce will make a lot of problems worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

Are you proposing that the people on this thread should murder their spouses?
That seems infeasible. I agree it would be better for the kids, but it’s really not practical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, yes, we don’t want to leave our kids with someone with a personality disorder who is disregulated for half the time. I want to protect kids. I also am financially independent so it is not about the money to the PP.

My strategy so far is to disengage. Not explain. Not reason. Focus on my lane. See friends. Go out. Have a life.

How old are your kids? Something that helps me is thinking I only have X number of years that I have to deal with this and then we can separate. Haven’t decided on the exact number… Figure by the time they are 18 custody won’t be an issue, so there’s that. Not sure if it makes sense to stay till they’re just a little older and mostly through college. But knowing that there is an insight, even if it’s not super close, might be helpful.

I do the same thing. 10 years until our youngest goes to college, then I'm out. It gives me a lot of peace to know that there is an end and I'm already planning for it. In the interim, I'm trying to plan solo trips in 2026. It helps to have things to look forward to. For me, it's a big cycling trip for my birthday that I’ve always wanted to do, and taking my kids on a rafting trip this summer, and visiting a friend for a beach trip in the fall. None of these will include DH, so these are my moments.

If you are married to a narcissist, how are you able to do these trips? Especially with relatively young kids. I can’t even get away for a night.

I’m not that poster, but I just throw my kids in the car and go. He might be mad when I get back, but he might be mad if I had to work late or I left the sidewalk chalk out on the driveway. When you get mad about everything, it loses some of its power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

Play this out though: OP leaves. Her kids are with their NPD father 50% of the time, so they are still being exposed to his manipulation. One could argue at least OP has the chance to heal, but odds are better that her ex’s actions will bleed over to OP’s 50%.

The ex wants to destroy OP, and will do this through the kids. The kids be alienated from OP. She will spend 20% of her parenting time undoing the damage to her kids done by her ex. She will spend her resources on legal fees, trying to protect her kids or herself from her ex.

Maybe one day the kids will grow up and see who the problem is. Or maybe they will be narcissists themselves. Or maybe they will be so alienated from OP that they have no relationship with her.

By definition, a narcissist is not going to suddenly change his ways and be an amicable coparent when OP leaves. The kids’ fate was sealed when OP got pregnant. OP’s choice is to endure her husband but have her kids full time, or to leave her husband but still be controlled by him.

It's great that you typed "odds are" if she leaves. You indirectly admit there is a chance for them if she leaves. If she stays, not only are the kids living it, they are picking up that it is okay to tolerate it. Odds of the narcissistic parent's actions bleeding onto her parenting are 100%. And odds are high that the kids learn that it cannot be that bad if their mother who loves them so much chose to stay.

[Anonymous]

The secret is to manage/lower your expectations, same as you would do for a toddler, an elderly person with memory issues, or someone who has a mental health issue or other special need etc.

That applies to pretty much any difficult husband, whatever the real issue is. I don’t know what is the matter with mine- narcissist, alcoholic, just a jerk? Who knows. It really does not matter.

For example, with Christmas in the next few days:
-I expect my DH to throw pretty much a daily fit over something or other.
-I expect he will be disappointed with his gifts (no matter how much effort I put in) and will likely openly pout about this
-I expect he will sit and drink beer much of the time, and likely pass out on the couch at random times

For the fits- I ignore. And have my strategies: gather the kids to go & take the dog for a walk, decide it is a good time to FaceTime relatives holiday greetings (that shuts him up- he doesn’t want anyone else to overhear- he only acts this way in private of course). And so on.

For the passing out etc: I have alternative plans ready, and will just leave him here. The kids and I will drive around and look at Christmas lights, head to the park if it’s nice, or go and see a movie.

The problem is expecting behavior that he is clearly not capable of. Mine is simply not capable of reliably acting like a normal/typical person for any length of time.

And to the haters: no, he wasn’t like this when we married. Changed on a dime about 12yrs into the marriage. Whether you believe me or not. He pretty obviously has untreated mental health issues (refuses to seek help) and self medicates with alcohol, making the problem worse. He won’t change until he decides to do so, himself. He is selfish and doesn’t care how he makes his family feel. The only power I have is to either stay, or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

Play this out though: OP leaves. Her kids are with their NPD father 50% of the time, so they are still being exposed to his manipulation. One could argue at least OP has the chance to heal, but odds are better that her ex’s actions will bleed over to OP’s 50%.

The ex wants to destroy OP, and will do this through the kids. The kids be alienated from OP. She will spend 20% of her parenting time undoing the damage to her kids done by her ex. She will spend her resources on legal fees, trying to protect her kids or herself from her ex.

Maybe one day the kids will grow up and see who the problem is. Or maybe they will be narcissists themselves. Or maybe they will be so alienated from OP that they have no relationship with her.

By definition, a narcissist is not going to suddenly change his ways and be an amicable coparent when OP leaves. The kids’ fate was sealed when OP got pregnant. OP’s choice is to endure her husband but have her kids full time, or to leave her husband but still be controlled by him.

Your spouse doesn’t want to parent 50% of the time. They’ll have a nanny do it or make a big deal out of 50/50 custody and then will always have other obligations. Your children are accessories to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very troubling to see so many folks seemingly unaware or dismissive of the impact on children of growing up with a narcissistic parent - and FYI, that doesn’t have to mean a full blown NPD which is rarer, but heavy narcissistic traits will prevent a person from providing a child with a positive experience of childhood and attachment.

Kids are adaptive and resilient and will do what they must to survive. That doesn’t mean the damage isn’t happening and that they won’t struggle with the fallout from it their entire adult lives nor that it won’t damage their ability to ever securely attach in adult relationships. Sadly in worst case they will become a narcissist themselves and visit this trauma unto your grandkids.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/

Just don’t fool yourselves, you aren’t doing this for your kids.

Play this out though: OP leaves. Her kids are with their NPD father 50% of the time, so they are still being exposed to his manipulation. One could argue at least OP has the chance to heal, but odds are better that her ex’s actions will bleed over to OP’s 50%.

The ex wants to destroy OP, and will do this through the kids. The kids be alienated from OP. She will spend 20% of her parenting time undoing the damage to her kids done by her ex. She will spend her resources on legal fees, trying to protect her kids or herself from her ex.

Maybe one day the kids will grow up and see who the problem is. Or maybe they will be narcissists themselves. Or maybe they will be so alienated from OP that they have no relationship with her.

By definition, a narcissist is not going to suddenly change his ways and be an amicable coparent when OP leaves. The kids’ fate was sealed when OP got pregnant. OP’s choice is to endure her husband but have her kids full time, or to leave her husband but still be controlled by him.

Your spouse doesn’t want to parent 50% of the time. They’ll have a nanny do it or make a big deal out of 50/50 custody and then will always have other obligations. Your children are accessories to them.

And OP is very much controlled by her husband and she’s teaching her children that avoidance and no repair are normal. By staying and silently participating she’s showing them the situation is normal. By allowing herself and her children to be treated poorly by her spouse she is also normalizing the situation for her children. See the comment from the divorced spouse about walking on eggshells and regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret is to manage/lower your expectations, same as you would do for a toddler, an elderly person with memory issues, or someone who has a mental health issue or other special need etc.

That applies to pretty much any difficult husband, whatever the real issue is. I don’t know what is the matter with mine- narcissist, alcoholic, just a jerk? Who knows. It really does not matter.

For example, with Christmas in the next few days:
-I expect my DH to throw pretty much a daily fit over something or other.
-I expect he will be disappointed with his gifts (no matter how much effort I put in) and will likely openly pout about this
-I expect he will sit and drink beer much of the time, and likely pass out on the couch at random times

For the fits- I ignore. And have my strategies: gather the kids to go & take the dog for a walk, decide it is a good time to FaceTime relatives holiday greetings (that shuts him up- he doesn’t want anyone else to overhear- he only acts this way in private of course). And so on.

For the passing out etc: I have alternative plans ready, and will just leave him here. The kids and I will drive around and look at Christmas lights, head to the park if it’s nice, or go and see a movie.

The problem is expecting behavior that he is clearly not capable of. Mine is simply not capable of reliably acting like a normal/typical person for any length of time.

And to the haters: no, he wasn’t like this when we married. Changed on a dime about 12yrs into the marriage. Whether you believe me or not. He pretty obviously has untreated mental health issues (refuses to seek help) and self medicates with alcohol, making the problem worse. He won’t change until he decides to do so, himself. He is selfish and doesn’t care how he makes his family feel. The only power I have is to either stay, or leave.

Thank you for this!

(To be honest, I don’t know why people are even replying to the haters.)