Secrets to remaining married to narcissist and keeping inner happiness?

[Anonymous]

Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

[Anonymous]

Why are you staying married and who made the diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Sadly, no... I'm in the same boat. We are separated now, much happier.

[Anonymous]

I find it amusing that there are vastly larger numbers of persons married to narcissist than there are actual narcissists.

If you truly think you are married to one, for heaven's sake just get divorced already.

[Anonymous]

Give him nothing: no love, no sympathy, no time, no friendship. Don't even eat meals with him. Just plan your exit and bide your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him nothing: no love, no sympathy, no time, no friendship. Don't even eat meals with him. Just plan your exit and bide your time.

This is how I handle it. I don't call him names, like a "narcissist," though. That is just poking the bear. I do call him out on his ridiculous double standards because I'm sick of hearing him rant and swear about all the same crap he does to me. Other than when I have to stand up for myself because his behavior crosses a line no one should accept in a marriage, I am trying to spend as little time at home and with him as possible these days, and to save money separately to get out when I'm ready. I am prioritizing spending time with girlfriends, whom I previously let him isolate me from, and with family, and making memories with our kids without him, because his presence brings out the worst in me, and I can't be the parent I want to be if he's in the same space. When he's gone, we do great.

[Anonymous]

You develop really strong boundaries, and condition yourself to not care about his reactions to them.

On Saturday, we were going to go to a restaurant that we love that closes at 8. At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner. No reaction, no yelling back, no guilty/anxious feelings on my part: his reaction is not my problem. When we got back, I didn’t bring it up, and I am not letting it fester.

It took years of therapy to get here though. So I also suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You develop really strong boundaries, and condition yourself to not care about his reactions to them.

On Saturday, we were going to go to a restaurant that we love that closes at 8. At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner. No reaction, no yelling back, no guilty/anxious feelings on my part: his reaction is not my problem. When we got back, I didn’t bring it up, and I am not letting it fester.

It took years of therapy to get here though. So I also suggest therapy.

I know you say you ignore his reaction, but has his reaction ever been threatening or dangerous? I do the same thing now, often in response to his passive-aggressive nonsense, but a few times it has made things even worse. It's never crossed a clear line, but things like punching a wall, or throwing an objection in my direction, but not quite at me. The more I ignore his reactions, the harder he sometimes tries to get a response out of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You develop really strong boundaries, and condition yourself to not care about his reactions to them.

On Saturday, we were going to go to a restaurant that we love that closes at 8. At 7:15, he was puttering around, looking for a chore for his adult child (my stepson) to complete (after my stepson had spent the entire day doing chores for him/us). I reminded him of the time, and he started yelling and calling me names, and telling me I could go to dinner alone. So I packed the family up and we went to dinner. No reaction, no yelling back, no guilty/anxious feelings on my part: his reaction is not my problem. When we got back, I didn’t bring it up, and I am not letting it fester.

It took years of therapy to get here though. So I also suggest therapy.

I know you say you ignore his reaction, but has his reaction ever been threatening or dangerous? I do the same thing now, often in response to his passive-aggressive nonsense, but a few times it has made things even worse. It's never crossed a clear line, but things like punching a wall, or throwing an objection in my direction, but not quite at me. The more I ignore his reactions, the harder he sometimes tries to get a response out of me.

He threatens violence. He threatens awful things. I ignore it. I am relatively confident he won’t follow through, and even if he did, it’s not like I could stop him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him nothing: no love, no sympathy, no time, no friendship. Don't even eat meals with him. Just plan your exit and bide your time.

This is how I handle it. I don't call him names, like a "narcissist," though. That is just poking the bear. I do call him out on his ridiculous double standards because I'm sick of hearing him rant and swear about all the same crap he does to me. Other than when I have to stand up for myself because his behavior crosses a line no one should accept in a marriage, I am trying to spend as little time at home and with him as possible these days, and to save money separately to get out when I'm ready. I am prioritizing spending time with girlfriends, whom I previously let him isolate me from, and with family, and making memories with our kids without him, because his presence brings out the worst in me, and I can't be the parent I want to be if he's in the same space. When he's gone, we do great.

He lets you hang out with girlfriend? Not sure you're married to a true narcissist then. It would be a scene...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him nothing: no love, no sympathy, no time, no friendship. Don't even eat meals with him. Just plan your exit and bide your time.

This is how I handle it. I don't call him names, like a "narcissist," though. That is just poking the bear. I do call him out on his ridiculous double standards because I'm sick of hearing him rant and swear about all the same crap he does to me. Other than when I have to stand up for myself because his behavior crosses a line no one should accept in a marriage, I am trying to spend as little time at home and with him as possible these days, and to save money separately to get out when I'm ready. I am prioritizing spending time with girlfriends, whom I previously let him isolate me from, and with family, and making memories with our kids without him, because his presence brings out the worst in me, and I can't be the parent I want to be if he's in the same space. When he's gone, we do great.

He lets you hang out with girlfriend? Not sure you're married to a true narcissist then. It would be a scene...

Different poster. I am “allowed” to hang out with girlfriends during the day. Never men. Ever. And no one in the evenings, when my husband might want attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him nothing: no love, no sympathy, no time, no friendship. Don't even eat meals with him. Just plan your exit and bide your time.

This is how I handle it. I don't call him names, like a "narcissist," though. That is just poking the bear. I do call him out on his ridiculous double standards because I'm sick of hearing him rant and swear about all the same crap he does to me. Other than when I have to stand up for myself because his behavior crosses a line no one should accept in a marriage, I am trying to spend as little time at home and with him as possible these days, and to save money separately to get out when I'm ready. I am prioritizing spending time with girlfriends, whom I previously let him isolate me from, and with family, and making memories with our kids without him, because his presence brings out the worst in me, and I can't be the parent I want to be if he's in the same space. When he's gone, we do great.

He lets you hang out with girlfriend? Not sure you're married to a true narcissist then. It would be a scene...

He used to get in the way of my friendships. He was outwardly hostile toward my friends and never would give me a break from the kids so I could have a moment to myself. Now that the kids are older, I take time for myself. Working on an exit plan. I don't GAF about his scenes anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 10 years to narcissist; what are you secrets if made it 20 years or just generally?

For me, I receive emotional witnessing from friends, income from work, have internal validation and lots of joy from hobbies, kids with secure attachment, most of the time this practical marriage is fine. There is no emotional intimacy, other than what I make it, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i hope for the person to be more, but it really is like talking to self in mirror when taljing w him becayse he has no empathy.

Have any of you made this work and remained happy?

How is it that you have kids with secure attachment after being ‘parented’ by a narcissistic father?

More likely you’re another woman who stayed for the paycheck and is ignoring the damage to her kids.

Women stay for their kids, not a paycheck, you moron. Many of us are scared to leave our kids alone with him, let alone leave them with him 50% of the time without another adult present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you staying married and who made the diagnosis?

This. Divorce