Brother-in-law asked for $5k

[Anonymous]

Ok. As a ONE TIME gift

[Anonymous]

It's weird you're not pooling your money and spending out of a joint account, OP.

As for the brother, he sounds like he's trying, so yes, I'd give him 5K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. As a ONE TIME gift

This.

[Anonymous]

my sibling was in a disastrous marriage that left them all with pennies. we helped my sibling get back on their feet, only for them to live with the ex again.

Did I do the right thing by helping? Yes.

Would I do it again? No. because they are back where they started from and nothing is going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse (54 years old) mentioned that her brother (42 yrs old) asked for money. I (52 years old) said any amount up to $5k would be fine. She said her brother asked for $5k.

My brother-in-law is living in their parents’ house (my inlaws), and he has worked on and off in a call center and has worked as a receptionist and a telemarketer. He has three kids with his wife (divorced about 15 years ago). His wife cheated and got remarried and eventually received full custody of all the kids. My guess is that he is depressed.

We’ve always kept separate accounts (almost 30 years). She pays for the mortgage. I pay for utilities; car, housing, and health insurance; taxes; and HOA. We each fund the children’s college costs (State school). This $5k gift will not affect our kids’ college funds or our future retirement (I hope).

Growing up with immigrant parents who opened a mom-and-pop restaurant, I watched them fight over remittances (how much, how frequently, etc.). My dad’s family was huge and needy, and my mom’s family was smaller and much more successful family (directors of large Fortune 500 corporations, kids going to Hopkins and Berkeley). My spouse and I grew up poor. She suffered food security and I did not—not that it’s a competition. We always agreed to never fight over money. So far we haven’t.

I can tell it means a lot to her. She is the big sister and always wanted to be there for her little brother (big age gap). She said that her brother never asked her for money before. Technically that’s not true: in the early 2000’s, we offered to pay for the brother-in-law’s community college tuition and school expenses. He asked if he could have that money ($4k) for a car instead. We said no.

I am nervous about the timing: we are both feds and it looks to be a scary right now. I know we can afford it but I am nervous. The end result so far is that my spouse will give her brother the gift this weekend.

Would you do anything differently?

Whatever you give make it a one-time gift.

[Anonymous]

What is the money for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP posting: In-laws gave BIL 30 days to move out. They want to retire and no longer take care of him.

Then it is a really, really bad idea to give him 5K. If the in-laws are kicking out their own son they know BIL is a moocher. He needs to feel a little pain to see if he gets his but into gear. By you rescuing him and giving him 5K he is just kicking the can down the road and won't feel the need to support himself. The in-laws are kicking him out, so first see what happens. If not you are going to drain your own kids future.

And DH and I both come from poor immigrant families. We are the most successful as we are now both teachers. So we make a good living but we don't have a lot of extra money. We came to an agreement on what we will fund for family looking for handouts - and we never loan money because it is just too awkward to have family members owe you money.

Absolutely yes to:
Anything that supports being able to continue to work- So car repair for family member who works two jobs so they can get to work and not have to take out a predatory loan or family member has a job but is going to an interview for a new job - we pay for haircut and outfit

If the electricity, water, or gas has been turned off

Schooling items - Kids need glasses and because they have broken or lost a pair insurance won't pay for a second pair, kids want to play a sport but money is tight and family can't afford high school sports fee, field trip expenses, tutoring for ASVAB for military

Emergency situation - family member lived in a bad location and it got worse when drug dealers/ gang members moved in next door. We paid for deposit and co-signed for new apartment in better location so family could immediately leave then worry about breaking lease and getting deposit back later. We paid the deposit directly to property management company.

No to:
Vague demands for money
Money to relatives who do not work AND who have no concrete plans to go get a job and keep a job
Money to upgrade such as nicer car
expensive surgery for pets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A one time gift/loan is fine. We have helped relatives in the past but we both agree that it was a one time thing and no ridiculous amounts. The second time someone asks the answer is no.

Yes, this OP. Once you give such a large chunk the person will think it was easy for you and will be back for more. I would say that once you're both getting paid again you can help and I wouldn't meet his ask of $5k. He'll think "I should have asked for more." Tell him $4k is all you can do.

[Anonymous]

OP, ask your wife if she can agree that this will be a one time gift. Make it clear that once you both agree on the terms and limits of the situation it would be bad for your marriage if she lied and continued to filter money to her brother in secret. Because he WILL ask her.

[Anonymous]

So the parents want to kick him out right before the holidays?. That's pretty bizarre, right? I'd talk to the parents and get a better handle on the situation. Guarantee he'll spend some of your family's money on gifts for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the parents want to kick him out right before the holidays?. That's pretty bizarre, right? I'd talk to the parents and get a better handle on the situation. Guarantee he'll spend some of your family's money on gifts for himself.

Not everyone values Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's as much as commercials and companies try to imply we should. But it speaks to how desperate OP's parents must be that they're insisting on this now. If they did this in February you might say "During the WINTER?!" if they insisted in July you'd say "During this heat?!" There's no good or bad time.

[Anonymous]

You are not the immigrants. You parents were.
Why is money still a problem? Specially $5k?
You don't say you are depressed, BIL is. If you, non-depressed two couldn't save/invest enough to have plenty, how do you expect someone with 3 kids to do that.