Brother-in-law asked for $5k

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you offer to adopt your BIL’s kids if they have a mother too? Your post makes no sense. Sounds fake.

+1 How in the world would you have adopted kids that have two parents (plus a mother who is obviously caring for them)? That makes absolutely zero sense.

[Anonymous]

OP apparently your families come from help out cultures. Your parents didn't get help from one set of rich grandparents your spouse's family apparently has a more helping experience.
I can empathize with you. The brother in law sounds like he is incompetent, depressed, and/or opportunistic.
Your wife should find out what the $5k is for.

[Anonymous]

OP posting: OMG you all must be all middle and upper middle class to not have an aunt or grandma raise you (adopt in the sense of raising and serving as guardian), not always irrevocable and severed parental rights

News flash that lots of people grow up with their extended family raising them and serving as guardians when both parents are flakes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP posting: OMG you all must be all middle and upper middle class to not have an aunt or grandma raise you (adopt in the sense of raising and serving as guardian), not always irrevocable and severed parental rights

News flash that lots of people grow up with their extended family raising them and serving as guardians when both parents are flakes

But both parents aren't flakes in this case.

I'm sorry your BIL can't manage adult life. The time to set boundaries is now. Make him get a job. If your culture permits a grown man to sponge off his sister for his entire life, well, enjoy.

Are you planning for your children to care for him in his old age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP posting: OMG you all must be all middle and upper middle class to not have an aunt or grandma raise you (adopt in the sense of raising and serving as guardian), not always irrevocable and severed parental rights

News flash that lots of people grow up with their extended family raising them and serving as guardians when both parents are flakes

Goodness. I came to this country with 200$ in my pocket and went to HS in PG county. I lived there many years before moving out of it. All immigrant families struggle with life until they settle in. I have gifted my siblings far more than 5k (with no expectation they will be able to payback) without being judgmental. Whether you want to help out BIL or not is your decision, but you have no business hanging him here without his knowledge. Be better OP. You BIL maybe a loser in life, but you don't sound like a winning jackpot either.

[Anonymous]

My spouse (54 years old) mentioned that her brother (42 yrs old) asked for money. I (52 years old) said any amount up to $5k would be fine. She said her brother asked for $5k.

That's reading to me like he just asked for money, generally, and once the limit was set he said "ok, 5k." If your limit was 20k he'd say he needs 20k. It doesn't sound like the money is for anything in particular, but perhaps he can use it for a security deposit on a new place. If he can qualify for the loan and is still working at the call center, that's not horrible. The key here is you need to discuss with DW what the plans are going forward.
-Do NOT co-sign his lease or loan.
-Discuss what happens if he has an apartment and can't make rent. If he is on the verge of eviction, is she expecting to give him more money, or let him live with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brother in law should not have even asked for money. At 40 years old, have some dignity. Say no money unless it's to get therapy for depression

+1

[Anonymous]

We have helped out siblings and it has enabled them to buy homes, pay off debt, send the kids to college, pay for medical bills etc. We help out siblings and parents - no question asked. But, the money has to go for long term benefit for them and to elevate them out of whatever financial hardship they are going through - now and later.

Our family lives in our country of origin. We are unable to physically be there to help anyone. So, we depend on our family to look after each other and to become self-sufficient or affluent. Family has done well and that has meant that we don't have to worry about their old age, their kids etc.

In return - they have helped in their own way to look after our property, to sell our property, to help in the million details of our kids weddings etc.

A rising tide, raises all boats. We want to help our entire extended family(hard working, genuine need, no addiction or criminality, moral) so that our future generations can do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP posting: In-laws gave BIL 30 days to move out. They want to retire and no longer take care of him.

So he wants the money to get a place but doesn’t have a job, so he will be out for a couple of months and then lose that too. He is looking to switch from depending on his parents to depending on you. UGH, so sorry. Don’t keep going down that rabbit hole!

This! Regardless, this will NOT be a one time ask. (No matter how clear you make it)
Then, when (or if) you tell him no on the next ask in the future he will be offended and make you the bad guy and try to cut you off. I would not go down that rabbit hole to begin with. Wife should tell him no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have helped out siblings and it has enabled them to buy homes, pay off debt, send the kids to college, pay for medical bills etc. We help out siblings and parents - no question asked. But, the money has to go for long term benefit for them and to elevate them out of whatever financial hardship they are going through - now and later.

Our family lives in our country of origin. We are unable to physically be there to help anyone. So, we depend on our family to look after each other and to become self-sufficient or affluent. Family has done well and that has meant that we don't have to worry about their old age, their kids etc.

In return - they have helped in their own way to look after our property, to sell our property, to help in the million details of our kids weddings etc.

A rising tide, raises all boats. We want to help our entire extended family(hard working, genuine need, no addiction or criminality, moral) so that our future generations can do well.

It sounds like your relatives are responsible productive adults.

How OP described BIL does not sound like he is willing or able to do any of those things.

OP should not fight his DW on giving the money, but he has to have a clear conversation about this being it and that BIL is not welcome to move in with them when/if he can’t make rent or his parents kick him out.

He may recommend that his DW asks what the money is for and pay it directly to help ensure it is actually going to something productive. But in the end it’s her relationship with her brother, and OP has said giving the $ (this one time) will minimally impact their own finances.

[Anonymous]

Lending money to friends and family is always a bad idea.

Get away from that .. regardless of the amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP posting: OMG you all must be all middle and upper middle class to not have an aunt or grandma raise you (adopt in the sense of raising and serving as guardian), not always irrevocable and severed parental rights

News flash that lots of people grow up with their extended family raising them and serving as guardians when both parents are flakes

Goodness. I came to this country with 200$ in my pocket and went to HS in PG county. I lived there many years before moving out of it. All immigrant families struggle with life until they settle in. I have gifted my siblings far more than 5k (with no expectation they will be able to payback) without being judgmental. Whether you want to help out BIL or not is your decision, but you have no business hanging him here without his knowledge. Be better OP. You BIL maybe a loser in life, but you don't sound like a winning jackpot either.

the enabler speaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP posting: In-laws gave BIL 30 days to move out. They want to retire and no longer take care of him.

Unless you want to be his new crash pad make it clear that's not ever happening.

[Anonymous]

Don't expect it back. Assume it is a gift.

[Anonymous]

I would give it as a one time gift.

I would let go of any attachment to what it is used for.

I would let your wife know it is a one time thing to you and ask if she is on the same page. If she is I would ask that she also relay this to her brother so there are no false expectations in the future.

It’s family - if I have 5k to give I am giving it.