Brother-in-law asked for $5k

[Anonymous]

My spouse (54 years old) mentioned that her brother (42 yrs old) asked for money. I (52 years old) said any amount up to $5k would be fine. She said her brother asked for $5k.

My brother-in-law is living in their parents’ house (my inlaws), and he has worked on and off in a call center and has worked as a receptionist and a telemarketer. He has three kids with his wife (divorced about 15 years ago). His wife cheated and got remarried and eventually received full custody of all the kids. My guess is that he is depressed.

We’ve always kept separate accounts (almost 30 years). She pays for the mortgage. I pay for utilities; car, housing, and health insurance; taxes; and HOA. We each fund the children’s college costs (State school). This $5k gift will not affect our kids’ college funds or our future retirement (I hope).

Growing up with immigrant parents who opened a mom-and-pop restaurant, I watched them fight over remittances (how much, how frequently, etc.). My dad’s family was huge and needy, and my mom’s family was smaller and much more successful family (directors of large Fortune 500 corporations, kids going to Hopkins and Berkeley). My spouse and I grew up poor. She suffered food security and I did not—not that it’s a competition. We always agreed to never fight over money. So far we haven’t.

I can tell it means a lot to her. She is the big sister and always wanted to be there for her little brother (big age gap). She said that her brother never asked her for money before. Technically that’s not true: in the early 2000’s, we offered to pay for the brother-in-law’s community college tuition and school expenses. He asked if he could have that money ($4k) for a car instead. We said no.

I am nervous about the timing: we are both feds and it looks to be a scary right now. I know we can afford it but I am nervous. The end result so far is that my spouse will give her brother the gift this weekend.

Would you do anything differently?

[Anonymous]

I think you've thought through it.

It's good to share if you can.

Don't expect to get it back.

[Anonymous]

For me, it would depend on what the money is for. He's living with mom and dad, so he isn't about to be evicted. Is it to better his situation in some way? Or has he started gambling and is in trouble and the asks will keep coming? In other words, a one time ask or the first of many? For a good cause or throwing good money after bad?

How all of the above is answered would have an impact on answering your question

[Anonymous]

Wow, this sounds very similar to my situation. I am the oldest sister. This $5k gift will not affect our kids’ college funds or our future retirement. We are not feds but contractors. Our jobs are tenuous.

In my situation, my brother is working his way out and needs a little help. There are no drugs or alcohol involved. He’s in a bad situation and needs help. We are his family. We are all he has. He not mooching. I gave my brother the $5K.

He is very appreciative. I hope it helps him.

[Anonymous]

Seems fine to give.

I don't totally get you're story though. If your mom's family was so successful, how did you grow up poor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've thought through it.

It's good to share if you can.

Don't expect to get it back.

I am PP. I also gave to my brother not expecting to be paid back. I called it a loan but mentally planned it as a gift. I am ok financially if he doesn’t pay me back. I’m at peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Brother in law should not have even asked for money. At 40 years old, have some dignity. Say no money unless it's to get therapy for depression

[Anonymous]

If you have separate accounts you shouldn’t even be involved. If she has enough money she can give her brother money. People judge harshly but I will bet he’s hardest on himself. No one wants to fail like that. He might have a serious mental illness that no one helped him with as a teen. Give him a break.

[Anonymous]

What is the money for? I would need a detailed list and proof (bills).

[Anonymous]

I would want to know what the money is for?

[Anonymous]

If you are feds who are not getting paid right now, I would say "we would be happy to help you after we start getting paychecks again"

[Anonymous]

A one time gift/loan is fine. We have helped relatives in the past but we both agree that it was a one time thing and no ridiculous amounts. The second time someone asks the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse (54 years old) mentioned that her brother (42 yrs old) asked for money. I (52 years old) said any amount up to $5k would be fine. She said her brother asked for $5k.

My brother-in-law is living in their parents’ house (my inlaws), and he has worked on and off in a call center and has worked as a receptionist and a telemarketer. He has three kids with his wife (divorced about 15 years ago). His wife cheated and got remarried and eventually received full custody of all the kids. My guess is that he is depressed.

We’ve always kept separate accounts (almost 30 years). She pays for the mortgage. I pay for utilities; car, housing, and health insurance; taxes; and HOA. We each fund the children’s college costs (State school). This $5k gift will not affect our kids’ college funds or our future retirement (I hope).
... ($4k) for a car instead. We said no.

I am nervous about the timing: we are both feds and it looks to be a scary right now. I know we can afford it but I am nervous. The end result so far is that my spouse will give her brother the gift this weekend.

Would you do anything differently?

Yes. That's 5k less available for your own kids. The issue is your nuclear family, your household income is not huge as feds, you have 2 or more kids not in college. Too young to drive so consider what costs will be when they can - insurance. BIL lives with your inlaws. Doubt you would be repaid and did he ever pay you back on the 4k?

[Anonymous]

I think you are being petty. It’s only 5k one time request. I’d let your DW make the call and support her decision regardless. Call it a day and move on.

[Anonymous]

Ask what the money is for. If reasonable, pay for the thing directly, don’t give the money to BIL and expect he will use it to pay for the thing.

If he lost custody of his kids completely, something is going on here that is worse than you are saying (or your wife knows/is telling you). Courts don’t yank kids from parents any more unless it is very, very serious.