Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?

[Anonymous]

My sister and a close friend are what people used to call Aspergers aka very high functioning autistics. They have been very successful in their respective careers and are beloved by their husbands, children and friends. The one thing that is difficult for them and those close to them are the natural lack of social awareness and empathy. They can come across as insensitive or awkward because the right social response does not occur to them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.

This is the comment you should read.

You should be aware of the world of pain that awaits if/when you have autistic children. Your heart breaks every single day. Go read the special needs forum. If you think autism is just lovable, slightly quirky kids with a flat affect, it is time to beat that idea out of your head.

You are talking about a severe form of autism and there is an entire spectrum as well as individual differences.

Right, but you don't get to pick what kind your kid ends up with. The risk is too great given it comes with severe, lifelong consequences for everyone in your family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.

This is the comment you should read.

You should be aware of the world of pain that awaits if/when you have autistic children. Your heart breaks every single day. Go read the special needs forum. If you think autism is just lovable, slightly quirky kids with a flat affect, it is time to beat that idea out of your head.

You are talking about a severe form of autism and there is an entire spectrum as well as individual differences.

Right, but you don't get to pick what kind your kid ends up with. The risk is too great given it comes with severe, lifelong consequences for everyone in your family.

I have a niece who is bipolar. Father seemed normal but was undiagnosed until much later. Good luck with the prescreening of your adult children's potential mates.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

It's not stigmatized. It is pitied because other people can see the despair and sadness in the rest of the family.

You're pretty ignorant.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

It's not stigmatized. It is pitied because other people can see the despair and sadness in the rest of the family.

You're pretty ignorant.

I wish. I'm very much living it.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.[/quote]

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.[/quote]

[u]This is the comment you should read.[/u]

You should be aware of the world of pain that awaits if/when you have autistic children. Your heart breaks every single day. Go read the special needs forum. If you think autism is just lovable, slightly quirky kids with a flat affect, it is time to beat that idea out of your head.[/quote]

You are talking about a severe form of autism and there is an entire spectrum as well as individual differences. [/quote]

Right, but you don't get to pick what kind your kid ends up with. The risk is too great given it comes with severe, lifelong consequences for everyone in your family.[/quote]

I have a niece who is bipolar. Father seemed normal but was undiagnosed until much later. Good luck with the prescreening of your adult children's potential mates. [/quote]

You reduce your risks where you can. Particularly avoidable risks with catastrophic consequences.[/quote]

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

No one is saying that there isn’t beauty in the ways ASD minds are different or that one with ASD should conform to NT behavior. The issue is whether the ASD behaviors are compatible with traditional NT needs in a romantic relationship. Most often they are not, even with two loving, well intentioned people.

You have zero basis to know or say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

It's not stigmatized. It is pitied because other people can see the despair and sadness in the rest of the family.

You're pretty ignorant.

I wish. I'm very much living it.

I'm also living it and it is absolutely stigmatized.

[Anonymous]

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

The Op asked what he should know.

What he should know is that he should get out now if he wants to have children someday. At least, if he wants to have biological children with a future spouse.

It is considered indelicate to acknowledge this openly, so it's possible he doesn't understand what is at stake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

It's not stigmatized. It is pitied because other people can see the despair and sadness in the rest of the family.

You're pretty ignorant.

I wish. I'm very much living it.

I'm also living it and it is absolutely stigmatized.

Again, you're misinterpreting pity as stigma. There's typically no judgement- people just feel sorry for you and those connected to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Ask her to teach you about her. Don’t expect a bunch of randos here to do this cause it’s unfair to her! Everyone is different and can present different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "explosion" in autism is because it's genetic. With treatment, people marry and have kids. Sorry.

And plenty have no clue they are in the spectrum and get married and have children-without treatment. Many adults don’t know they have it until their kid is dx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

It's not stigmatized. It is pitied because other people can see the despair and sadness in the rest of the family.

You're pretty ignorant.

I wish. I'm very much living it.

I'm also living it and it is absolutely stigmatized.

Again, you're misinterpreting pity as stigma. There's typically no judgement- people just feel sorry for you and those connected to you.

They are not mutually exclusive, pp. There are those who pity and those who judge, depending on the person and situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would worry that she actually had a person disorder but got herself an online “autism” diagnosis. Not uncommon.

Stop projecting.