Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

The Op asked what he should know.

What he should know is that he should get out now if he wants to have children someday. At least, if he wants to have biological children with a future spouse.

It is considered indelicate to acknowledge this openly, so it's possible he doesn't understand what is at stake.

Either you are being deliberately obtuse or you failed to read the rest of OP's sentence :

"I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

The Op asked what he should know.

What he should know is that he should get out now if he wants to have children someday. At least, if he wants to have biological children with a future spouse.

It is considered indelicate to acknowledge this openly, so it's possible he doesn't understand what is at stake.

Either you are being deliberately obtuse or you failed to read the rest of OP's sentence :

"I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner."

He *also* wrote: "Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

DP. I happen to be one of these parents and can clearly see that you have an agenda against people with autism. Where is your proof of this claim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

The Op asked what he should know.

What he should know is that he should get out now if he wants to have children someday. At least, if he wants to have biological children with a future spouse.

It is considered indelicate to acknowledge this openly, so it's possible he doesn't understand what is at stake.

Either you are being deliberately obtuse or you failed to read the rest of OP's sentence :

"I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner."

He *also* wrote: "Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?"

Yes, so answer the second part now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

The Op asked what he should know.

What he should know is that he should get out now if he wants to have children someday. At least, if he wants to have biological children with a future spouse.

It is considered indelicate to acknowledge this openly, so it's possible he doesn't understand what is at stake.

Either you are being deliberately obtuse or you failed to read the rest of OP's sentence :

"I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner."

He *also* wrote: "Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?"

Yes, so answer the second part now.

I don't have advice on that half of his question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

DP. I happen to be one of these parents and can clearly see that you have an agenda against people with autism. Where is your proof of this claim?

Studies consistently show stress, depression, and anxiety are much, much higher in parents of children with autism. And that is reflected in substantially higher rates of divorce and suicide in those parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

DP. I happen to be one of these parents and can clearly see that you have an agenda against people with autism. Where is your proof of this claim?

Studies consistently show stress, depression, and anxiety are much, much higher in parents of children with autism. And that is reflected in substantially higher rates of divorce and suicide in those parents.

Where are the studies where the parents say they wish they had never married their spouses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

DP. I happen to be one of these parents and can clearly see that you have an agenda against people with autism. Where is your proof of this claim?

Studies consistently show stress, depression, and anxiety are much, much higher in parents of children with autism. And that is reflected in substantially higher rates of divorce and suicide in those parents.

Where are the studies where the parents say they wish they had never married their spouses?

How do you think divorce comes about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not answering OP's question, pp. My advice to OP is to communicate well when you are disappointed with their behavior even when you think they should know better or how you feel by now. They are not mindreaders and do not pick up on social cues as easily as you. That doesn't mean they are not kind and generous or don't get their feelings hurt. Tell them what you want. If you picked the right person, they will try to please you. For example, when DH was going through a very serious surgery that my friend knew about, I heard nothing even though I had been very supportive to her in similar situations. No call or text at all. I was hurt but decided to ask her why and she was shocked. Never occurred to her that I wouldn't let her know that I needed that! She point-blank asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "I would like you to text or call me that day to see how I and DH are doing and whether there is anything you can do for me." And the next time it happened, she did. I have other friends that just know what to do and I don't have to tell them what I need.

The Op asked what he should know.

What he should know is that he should get out now if he wants to have children someday. At least, if he wants to have biological children with a future spouse.

It is considered indelicate to acknowledge this openly, so it's possible he doesn't understand what is at stake.

Either you are being deliberately obtuse or you failed to read the rest of OP's sentence :

"I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner."

He *also* wrote: "Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?"

Yes, so answer the second part now.

I don't have advice on that half of his question.

Of course you don't, troll.

You're doing the Op is a disservice by not addressing the risks of his situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Someone with "ADHD/high functioning Autism" thinks and experiences the world a little differently than you do. So for a start, it's nothing personal if she doesn't respond to a call or text in a timely manner. That brain is responding to the stimuli of the moment, and then they go in a different direction and forget about things because there's new stimuli. But three weeks later, she'll respond to the particular text or whatever like it happened a minute ago. These folks are often not on the same Time-Space Continuum as others.

I'm close to a woman with this situation. Beautiful, super smart, charming, hilarious, kind - and the most unreliable person I've ever met. I don't know about the autism part, but she is very high on the ADHD spectrum. The thing to remember is that it is not personal when they flake on something. They get super angry at themselves for not being able to roll like neurotypical people. However annoyed you may be, she's more annoyed and disappointed in herself. They are not experiencing the world like you do, and it's a struggle for her to operate in a world of "normal" people. It's both a superpower and a curse.

Structure and routine is often very helpful. Guardrails. And sports. My friend is the most athletic woman I've ever known. Because sports shuts off the noisy brain. Run, catch the ball, shoot the ball, pass the ball, hit the ball - that is Zen for her. Calming.

I think she's a great individual. But if you weren't reasonably informed about the ADHD, you'd check out. Because you'd think it's flakiness. And who wants that?

A serious relationship with someone like that is high risk/high reward. But you need to understand it. She's often not perceiving things like you do. And she knows that. Relationships are likely to be stressful for her. So be informed about what goes on in her head. I do think it can work, but you need to be pretty informed. It's an excellent sign though that she was upfront about things. She clearly likes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

I seriously doubt OP is dating a profoundly autistic person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I'm dealing with autistic people, I find that saying exactly what I mean helps a lot. They often miss subtle cues.

Honest people are so frustrating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would should probably stop dating her and find someone NT.

How ridiculous. Idiot.

Clearly you're not a parent of a child with ASD and high support needs. The vast majority would tell the Op to run.

I seriously doubt OP is dating a profoundly autistic person.

That's not the issue. The issue is what kind of kid you could end up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Autism has been called "male brain" in a less PC era, so you shouldn't have trouble making sense of her attitude unless you are a theater kid.