Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I'm dealing with autistic people, I find that saying exactly what I mean helps a lot. They often miss subtle cues.

YES

Talk to her about it for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amy Schumer has written about her autistic husband.

Generally, autistics are blunt, emotionally volatile but also crazy calm during actual emergencies. Life is a wild ride, never boring. If you can truly make her laugh, you have found her heart.

Crazy calm like frozen, deer in headlights. Nothing is processing. Shutdown mode.

Not necessarily. They can be extremely rational and good at finding solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AudADHD common symptoms are easy to look up. The fact that your early days date even told you about their Dxs is either encouraging or a precursor. Depends if they are managing their symptoms well.

List of common symptoms, any or all of the below, on a chronic basis:

Executive functioning deficiencies
Emotional dysregulation
Stimming
Lack of empathy (ability to see or understand another’s view or situation)
Lack of communication skills
Hyperactivity
Inattentiveness (ie lack of ability to focus)
Hyperfocuses on special interests

Some autistic people are very very empathetic, sometimes to the point of distress at seeing other people or animals in pain.
They may not exhibit empathy the same way as neurotypical people but it doesn't mean it is absent.

The spectrum is very broad.

Most AuDHDers I know sometimes require more downtime than neurotypicals, but not always at predictable intervals. That may be one of the biggest relationship challenges.

Some of my most fun and loyal and brilliant friends have ADHD, autism or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about women but I highly suspect my husband is on the spectrum. I never made the connection until after kids were already present. The main problem is lack of communication. It's very isolating and frustrating.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AudADHD common symptoms are easy to look up. The fact that your early days date even told you about their Dxs is either encouraging or a precursor. Depends if they are managing their symptoms well.

List of common symptoms, any or all of the below, on a chronic basis:

Executive functioning deficiencies
Emotional dysregulation
Stimming
Lack of empathy (ability to see or understand another’s view or situation)
Lack of communication skills
Hyperactivity
Inattentiveness (ie lack of ability to focus)
Hyperfocuses on special interests

Some autistic people are very very empathetic, sometimes to the point of distress at seeing other people or animals in pain.
They may not exhibit empathy the same way as neurotypical people but it doesn't mean it is absent.

The spectrum is very broad.

Most AuDHDers I know sometimes require more downtime than neurotypicals, but not always at predictable intervals. That may be one of the biggest relationship challenges.

Some of my most fun and loyal and brilliant friends have ADHD, autism or both.

That’s sympathy not empathy.

Higher level empathy is connecting dots and understanding someone’s viewpoint when it is different from yours and responding accordingly. Not feeling sad for someone in visible pain.

Yes on the needed decompression time after socializing, school or work.

[Anonymous]

Is she self-diagnosed or does she have a professional diagnosis? If the former then she’s prob not actually autistic.

If the latter she might have different sensory reactions in either direction. Prob a picky eater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.

[Anonymous]

They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.
Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.
Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry. Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.
We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.
Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AudADHD common symptoms are easy to look up. The fact that your early days date even told you about their Dxs is either encouraging or a precursor. Depends if they are managing their symptoms well.

List of common symptoms, any or all of the below, on a chronic basis:

Executive functioning deficiencies
Emotional dysregulation
Stimming
Lack of empathy (ability to see or understand another’s view or situation)
Lack of communication skills
Hyperactivity
Inattentiveness (ie lack of ability to focus)
Hyperfocuses on special interests

People wuth autism do not like empathy!

Do not lack empathy

[Anonymous]

There's nothing anyone here can tell you that would be more helpful than spending time with her. First, even if she's just like the textbook, you'll learn from being with her. Second, even among people with similar conditions, there's plenty of variation, so again you have to actually get to know her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.
Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.
Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry. Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.
We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.
Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

That sounds like something totally different than autism.

[Anonymous]

Run. Dump her. Most women won't date a known autistic man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.

Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.

Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry.

Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.

We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.

Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

That sounds like something totally different than autism.

Disagree.

Those examples sound exactly like overwhelm of an ASd’r trying to maladaptively cope in an adult relationship and with anything new that hadn’t been explicitly taught or shown them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Good luck.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AudADHD common symptoms are easy to look up. The fact that your early days date even told you about their Dxs is either encouraging or a precursor. Depends if they are managing their symptoms well.

List of common symptoms, any or all of the below, on a chronic basis:

Executive functioning deficiencies
Emotional dysregulation
Stimming
Lack of empathy (ability to see or understand another’s view or situation)
Lack of communication skills
Hyperactivity
Inattentiveness (ie lack of ability to focus)
Hyperfocuses on special interests

Some autistic people are very very empathetic, sometimes to the point of distress at seeing other people or animals in pain.
They may not exhibit empathy the same way as neurotypical people but it doesn't mean it is absent.

The spectrum is very broad.

Most AuDHDers I know sometimes require more downtime than neurotypicals, but not always at predictable intervals. That may be one of the biggest relationship challenges.

Some of my most fun and loyal and brilliant friends have ADHD, autism or both.

That’s sympathy not empathy.

Higher level empathy is connecting dots and understanding someone’s viewpoint when it is different from yours and responding accordingly. Not feeling sad for someone in visible pain.

Yes on the needed decompression time after socializing, school or work.

My son on the spectrum is extremely good at identifying and articulating other people’s motivations and viewpoints. he is less good at “responding accordingly” but ironically that is due to the rigidity and lack of empathy of supposedly NT people, who believe everyone should perform emotions the same way they do, and infer all kinds of nefarious motives to someone who doesn’t have the exact facial expression they think “accords” to the situation.