Dating an autistic woman - What should I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.

Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.

Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry.

Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.

We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.

Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

That sounds like something totally different than autism.

Disagree.

Those examples sound exactly like overwhelm of an ASd’r trying to maladaptively cope in an adult relationship and with anything new that hadn’t been explicitly taught or shown them.

It truly does not. It doesn’t sound like any autistic person I know. It does sound like “autism wife” who makes a living around here complaining about her husband instead of just getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Who cares, go for it. Get a therapist when you need one or a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.

This is the comment you should read.

You should be aware of the world of pain that awaits if/when you have autistic children. Your heart breaks every single day. Go read the special needs forum. If you think autism is just lovable, slightly quirky kids with a flat affect, it is time to beat that idea out of your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.

This is the comment you should read.

You should be aware of the world of pain that awaits if/when you have autistic children. Your heart breaks every single day. Go read the special needs forum. If you think autism is just lovable, slightly quirky kids with a flat affect, it is time to beat that idea out of your head.

That is far from my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.
Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.
Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry. Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.
We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.
Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

This is the comment you should read re: adults with ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.

Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.

Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry.

Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.

We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.

Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

That sounds like something totally different than autism.

Disagree.

Those examples sound exactly like overwhelm of an ASd’r trying to maladaptively cope in an adult relationship and with anything new that hadn’t been explicitly taught or shown them.

It truly does not. It doesn’t sound like any autistic person I know. It does sound like “autism wife” who makes a living around here complaining about her husband instead of just getting divorced.

What does divorcing an ASD spouse do for the children or in family court?

PP sounds like “autism kid mom” who makes a living around here saying autism is nothing and plans to marry off her autism kids to unsuspecting neurotypicals and then look the other way.

[Anonymous]

Definitely keep the family secret secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They treat you like you don't exist, but expect you to be next to them at all times unless at work.

Can't communicate. Silent treatment is the norm.

Numb as heck. Zero feelings. Hardly ever cry.

Lights are on, but nobody is home. Clueless.

We saw someone getting jumped on the street. They said that it wasn't a crime, because nobody called the cops.

Lots of unemployment and misunderstandings at work.

That sounds like something totally different than autism.

Disagree.

Those examples sound exactly like overwhelm of an ASd’r trying to maladaptively cope in an adult relationship and with anything new that hadn’t been explicitly taught or shown them.

It truly does not. It doesn’t sound like any autistic person I know. It does sound like “autism wife” who makes a living around here complaining about her husband instead of just getting divorced.

What does divorcing an ASD spouse do for the children or in family court?

PP sounds like “autism kid mom” who makes a living around here saying autism is nothing and plans to marry off her autism kids to unsuspecting neurotypicals and then look the other way.

Huh please introduce me to all of those young people interested in arranged marriages lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

[Anonymous]

If you’re not sure about this, find resources - books, therapists, shows, movies that describe and depict the variations of autism and relationships.

Explore these together, talk with her and go therapy alone and together.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am autistic. Relationships are more difficult unless your are an extremely patient person and you don’t care about the extra quirks.

And what do you do to meet in the middle in an AS/NT relationship?

Hasn’t crossed their mind, which is obviously your point. NT can accommodate for ASD but not vise versa. The crisis comes when NTs stamina fades or wakes up to the realization that they’ll never truly be seen. NT can draw support from a village but then it’s really the village NT is in relationship with rather than the ASD spouse.

If you’re really going to do this, OP, I’d start by asking what research ASD partner has done on making a NT/ASD relationship work. Maybe there are a few who can aim their special interest/hyperfocus on making ASD/NT relationships go. But if they’ve never really considered it then your answer is that you will similarly be overlooked for a lifetime. Sorry

This is so utterly false but also typically NT. All I have to say is that if you enter into a relationship with someone who you find so utterly deficient that they “overlook” you and all the other claims here - what were you thinking? (and don’t give me a load of cr*p about masking; that is not how autism actually works).

That’s the point. Much of what’s “also typically NT” is not naturally comprehensible to ASD minds.

Much of what is typically ASD is stigmatized by intolerant NTs who insist on sameness and conformity.

No one is saying that there isn’t beauty in the ways ASD minds are different or that one with ASD should conform to NT behavior. The issue is whether the ASD behaviors are compatible with traditional NT needs in a romantic relationship. Most often they are not, even with two loving, well intentioned people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s diagnosed ADHD/ high functioning Autism. I don’t know a lot about the high functioning type of autism, so I’d like any tips and advice on being a great understanding partner.

Honestly, as a parent of children with ASD, if you want kids, and your partner has ASD, you need to find a new partner. This is not a life you want.

This is the comment you should read.

You should be aware of the world of pain that awaits if/when you have autistic children. Your heart breaks every single day. Go read the special needs forum. If you think autism is just lovable, slightly quirky kids with a flat affect, it is time to beat that idea out of your head.

You are talking about a severe form of autism and there is an entire spectrum as well as individual differences.