Midlife Jump Scare - adult years swamped by juggle

[Anonymous]

You built this life no?

First bad choice - How many kids did you have, three? 52 With a middle schooler? We'll have both kids in college when we are 50 (me) and 48 (husband)

Decided to live in a high cost of living area eith low/mid range salaries so you have long commutes and can't pay for cleaners/nannies/etc. - also a choice.

Married a low earner, and aren't a high earner yourself. Assuming you were both college educated, so yep, you chose majors poorly - also a choice

You could choose a different life for yourself now, but odds are you are so knee deep in the muck that you may as well get comfortable. Go buy some stretchy pants and eat a bag of chips.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound healthy. Be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

Some people's parents live in the middle of nowhere with no jobs in sight. Some people's parents actively do not want to help with grandkids. Some people's parents add to "the juggle" by becoming additional dependents with medical or mental health needs.

Most people's siblings are handling their own juggle and can't just help you with your kids.

Do you think everyone has an Aunt Ida tucked away somewhere, widowed, not kids, excited to help you with the school run and watch the kids on the weekend while you go to Zumba or take a painting class?

Yes, family and community means a constant give and take. They are not your free childcare like most Americans think they should be. Americans are incapable of doing even one iota of work for someone else. Its a "take for free" mindset and they are shameless in not reciprocating.

If your own family members don't want to help you - there is dysfuntion in them or in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a few years ahead of you as my youngest is a sophomore in college. Set yourself up for an enjoyable last 10 plus career years. If that means one job move to provide a challenge or travel u couldn’t take on, do it. I took a new role the year my youngest got drivers license. I love the new challenge. In my case it was a lateral move re $ but I expect to be able to enjoy working longer rather than counting the days until retirement. Empty nesting is pretty awesome btw. You get to focus on yourself. Maybe it’s not a new job but meaningful volunteer work or satisfaction through a hobby. You got this!

Very inspiring! I’m a new empty nester, single mom of 1. I appreciate your refreshing perspective.

[Anonymous]

Op- what’s the issue?
Sounds like you’re living a full life.
Mid-life crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made a mistake staying in this area on two decent but not high earning salaries.

If you had moved you likely would have enjoyed more luxuries or you may have been able to not work at all.

But perhaps now you are living somewhere you really enjoy.

Why do people keep second guessing what she did or did not do up until
this point? It seems so irrelevant and there’s factors that will never know that play into her choices.

OP I do not do well with transitions personally and start rethinking everything that I did or did not do instead of focusing on where I am now and what I want out of this phase of life. That’s where your energy should be. Work with a therapist or a coach or a good friend or whatever but find something you like to do, make some connections, reignite some former interest or create new ones. You are absolutely not too old.

[Anonymous]

50s are the new 40s......just enjoy yourself OP. Take on a new role or learn a new skill. Don't listen to ANY negativity....you got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you're describing is life. And you're not special. You're living an honorable life but, like everyone else, not particularly special

I would flip this. Life is hard, and you juggled a lot and successfully! Maybe everyone else was too, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Feel good about getting where you are - kids are grown, you and DH managed to have a career. It is an honorable life, and it is special. Good job, don’t feel like you haven’t done anything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You built this life no?

First bad choice - How many kids did you have, three? 52 With a middle schooler? We'll have both kids in college when we are 50 (me) and 48 (husband)

Decided to live in a high cost of living area eith low/mid range salaries so you have long commutes and can't pay for cleaners/nannies/etc. - also a choice.

Married a low earner, and aren't a high earner yourself. Assuming you were both college educated, so yep, you chose majors poorly - also a choice

You could choose a different life for yourself now, but odds are you are so knee deep in the muck that you may as well get comfortable. Go buy some stretchy pants and eat a bag of chips.

At least she doesn't sound like she's as shitty a person as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now nearly all independent, my oldest is at college; my youngest is in middle school and suddenly I don’t have to rush home for pickup and after school activities except for days when I’m the carpool.

They help with dinner; they do laundry, the whole household load finally feels manageable.

I still want to be home for dinner at 530, leaving at 5 is a firm deadline.

But my own life of hobbies, maybe investing more in my career by going to networking events, working late when needed, putting in the hours seems possible.

But I’m 52. It feels too late. I feel like my life from 28 till now has been a constant juggle and rush to put in the bare minimum at work to not lose my job, rush home for daycare or school pickup and kid activities, short-order cook a dinner, help with homework, tackle cleaning and chores, maybe do 20 minutes of a YouTube HIIT workout and crash to bed.

That has been every day for both of us for our kids entire childhood. We aren’t in high paying fields so can’t hire out for a nanny or cleaners, and our commutes are both about 45 min (we both work downtown).

Can anyone commiserate? I’m suddenly old, and realize all I’ve done for 20 years is tread water.

You did great and are doing great! You had a job, saved for retirement, raised a bunch of kids, had vacation and holiday memories, friends from various circles!
Set some new goals, trips to look FW to and have fun at home and work. Networking events aren’t all that. Be picky about those, sometimes it’s mainly chronic job hunters at them.

[Anonymous]

I chose to front load my life. Got married at 26 but no kids until 40.

That way we had traveled, were in management roles and financially set before first kid arrived.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. It’s only when the pressure valve releases do you realize everything you’ve had to take on and do. I’m your age and my oldest just graduated college. You get your time back- maybe you’re starting to recognize this now even with a middle schooler left. While you created your early career life through your choices - family size, location, etc - it also probably snowballed quickly and like many of us you were just running, from one thing to the next, from one responsibility to the next, juggling time and energy. Now you get to be really intentional. About what you choose and create next. Some people mourn their kids being gone and the previous crazy schedules. But I think this is a time to really enjoy finding yourself again. Enjoy the next stage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You dedicated your hours, days, years to raising successful children. That's not a waste of time, it's to be commended. It it tiring and expensive, but you make the choice to raise kids and that's not without its costs. Applaud yourself for your efforts then set some goals for your reclaimed time.

Yes. Motherhood for the vast majority of women around the world, for the vast majority of history, has been tiring and difficult work. The hard work of making dinner, cleaning up, homework, driving around, all of that is what makes it rewarding and meaningful. I don't particularly envy people who have very easy lives of comfort, there are downsides to that too. Most human beings get meaning and satisfaction from some degree of struggle, challenge, and hard work.
.

[Anonymous]

What scares me is I have been so focused on my family and not myself for so long (same situation as you, no help), and now as an empty nester, I don't feel like that's changed. The one thing I've done is exercise more and even that is being really challenged now with Thanksgiving and winter break coming: I work ft and it's so hard to do that, cook, clean, host and still prioritize myself because I run out of steam. So for people who are true empty nesters with kids out of college, does it feel more like you have time for yourself as a person? Or is it just a case of becoming a bit selfish and asserting these needs, at the risk of being less maternal, not as good a grandma some day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now nearly all independent, my oldest is at college; my youngest is in middle school and suddenly I don’t have to rush home for pickup and after school activities except for days when I’m the carpool.

They help with dinner; they do laundry, the whole household load finally feels manageable.

I still want to be home for dinner at 530, leaving at 5 is a firm deadline.

But my own life of hobbies, maybe investing more in my career by going to networking events, working late when needed, putting in the hours seems possible.

But I’m 52. It feels too late. I feel like my life from 28 till now has been a constant juggle and rush to put in the bare minimum at work to not lose my job, rush home for daycare or school pickup and kid activities, short-order cook a dinner, help with homework, tackle cleaning and chores, maybe do 20 minutes of a YouTube HIIT workout and crash to bed.

That has been every day for both of us for our kids entire childhood. We aren’t in high paying fields so can’t hire out for a nanny or cleaners, and our commutes are both about 45 min (we both work downtown).

Can anyone commiserate? I’m suddenly old, and realize all I’ve done for 20 years is tread water.

First, 52 isn't too late. Second, you learned a ton of skills re: managing people, situations, etc., in those crazy years -- all which will be useful to you now in your career. Look at all of this in a positive light instead of a negative one, because it is a positive one.

I wanted to chime in and say it isn't too late! Not for trying new things at work or for hobbies. Don't limit yourself, OP. Hugs.