Midlife Jump Scare - adult years swamped by juggle

[Anonymous]

Yeah! And these are the wonderful years of the golden age.

Because, you have not seen disease, death, divorce, destruction, displacement yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid in HS and I am just enjoying the freedom I have. No nannies, I can come and go as I please and even travel for a few days. Once he is in college my plan is to travel for longer stretches. However my worries are my aging parent and my health. And maybe money, to some extent.

This is where I'm at. My youngest goes off to college (cross fingers) next fall, and then I will probably retire at 56. DH is already retired (aged out) at 60). I am looking forward to my entire focus being on just me. I have some health issues, and aging parents, too.

Financially, we are ok, but I am going to have to take care of my aging parents financially more and more, and ACA insurance is going to be more expensive next year due to Rs not extending tax credits, so that does worry me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

Op's parents are probably too old to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

Op's parents are probably too old to help

My parents were actually very young and helpful, but live in a very HCOL place we can’t afford. My siblings get all sorts of help, but they married into wealthy families so can afford the region, and SAH anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

Most people do not.

[Anonymous]

52 is prime, OP! You created a family. That’s not treading water. Now you can lean in, with your skills and wisdom and experience. It’s go time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now nearly all independent, my oldest is at college; my youngest is in middle school and suddenly I don’t have to rush home for pickup and after school activities except for days when I’m the carpool.

They help with dinner; they do laundry, the whole household load finally feels manageable.

I still want to be home for dinner at 530, leaving at 5 is a firm deadline.

But my own life of hobbies, maybe investing more in my career by going to networking events, working late when needed, putting in the hours seems possible.

But I’m 52. It feels too late. I feel like my life from 28 till now has been a constant juggle and rush to put in the bare minimum at work to not lose my job, rush home for daycare or school pickup and kid activities, short-order cook a dinner, help with homework, tackle cleaning and chores, maybe do 20 minutes of a YouTube HIIT workout and crash to bed.

That has been every day for both of us for our kids entire childhood. We aren’t in high paying fields so can’t hire out for a nanny or cleaners, and our commutes are both about 45 min (we both work downtown).

Can anyone commiserate? I’m suddenly old, and realize all I’ve done for 20 years is tread water.

I am the same age, and can relate a little, but not that much.

Did you have three kids? That is a choice, and one that comes with very obvious (even beforehand) trade-offs.
We had the kids do their own laundry, help make dinner, clean up after themselves, from a very early (by DC standards) age.
We limited the number of activities they could do so we weren't driving around all evening/weekends.
I almost never helped with homework. Not my job - homework is for the kids, not the parents.
Cleaning and chores - we kept things hygienic but were not super anal about keeping the house clean. A bit of mess doesn't hurt anyone.

So while the first few years were a nightmare, it was only probably 10 years that was super hard. The last 10 have been fine.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to see the glsss half full. It’s the journey, not the destination. Surely you’ve had some good times with your kids, pets, friends over the past two decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now nearly all independent, my oldest is at college; my youngest is in middle school and suddenly I don’t have to rush home for pickup and after school activities except for days when I’m the carpool.

They help with dinner; they do laundry, the whole household load finally feels manageable.

I still want to be home for dinner at 530, leaving at 5 is a firm deadline.

But my own life of hobbies, maybe investing more in my career by going to networking events, working late when needed, putting in the hours seems possible.

But I’m 52. It feels too late. I feel like my life from 28 till now has been a constant juggle and rush to put in the bare minimum at work to not lose my job, rush home for daycare or school pickup and kid activities, short-order cook a dinner, help with homework, tackle cleaning and chores, maybe do 20 minutes of a YouTube HIIT workout and crash to bed.

That has been every day for both of us for our kids entire childhood. We aren’t in high paying fields so can’t hire out for a nanny or cleaners, and our commutes are both about 45 min (we both work downtown).

Can anyone commiserate? I’m suddenly old, and realize all I’ve done for 20 years is tread water.

The bold is crazy. It's the perfect time! You haven't been "treading water" for 20 years - you've been raising children! Life, as you're seeing, has many phases. You're coming out of the child rearing phase. You now have some extra bandwidth for hobbies, pushing more into your career, etc. That's GREAT! My grandmother went back to school for nursing around the same age and had a 15 year career as a nurse. My father made a major career shift at around the same age, and had another 10 year career (related, but very different). My step dad was unexpectedly fired at age 55 and began a whole second career in education - he's still teaching now at 81! My mom changed careers at 35 when I was a baby but kept it very low gear until the kids got easier, and really fired up her career at age 45, and now at 75, she's still going!

Life is LONG. It might be a bit intimidating to think about big changes. And there might be some different challenges than there were when you were 25 or 30. But you've also got a ton of valuable experience, both in life and in your career.

It's okay to be scared. Having extra bandwidth is new - give yourself some time to adjust, brainstorm some ideas that sound appealing, and start running towards yourself. Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now nearly all independent, my oldest is at college; my youngest is in middle school and suddenly I don’t have to rush home for pickup and after school activities except for days when I’m the carpool.

They help with dinner; they do laundry, the whole household load finally feels manageable.

I still want to be home for dinner at 530, leaving at 5 is a firm deadline.

But my own life of hobbies, maybe investing more in my career by going to networking events, working late when needed, putting in the hours seems possible.

But I’m 52. It feels too late. I feel like my life from 28 till now has been a constant juggle and rush to put in the bare minimum at work to not lose my job, rush home for daycare or school pickup and kid activities, short-order cook a dinner, help with homework, tackle cleaning and chores, maybe do 20 minutes of a YouTube HIIT workout and crash to bed.

That has been every day for both of us for our kids entire childhood. We aren’t in high paying fields so can’t hire out for a nanny or cleaners, and our commutes are both about 45 min (we both work downtown).

Can anyone commiserate? I’m suddenly old, and realize all I’ve done for 20 years is tread water.

Kids eat up two decades of your youth, ambition and savings. On top of that, most doesn't show much appreciation or reciprocation.