Midlife Jump Scare - adult years swamped by juggle

[Anonymous]

My kids are now nearly all independent, my oldest is at college; my youngest is in middle school and suddenly I don’t have to rush home for pickup and after school activities except for days when I’m the carpool.

They help with dinner; they do laundry, the whole household load finally feels manageable.

I still want to be home for dinner at 530, leaving at 5 is a firm deadline.

But my own life of hobbies, maybe investing more in my career by going to networking events, working late when needed, putting in the hours seems possible.

But I’m 52. It feels too late. I feel like my life from 28 till now has been a constant juggle and rush to put in the bare minimum at work to not lose my job, rush home for daycare or school pickup and kid activities, short-order cook a dinner, help with homework, tackle cleaning and chores, maybe do 20 minutes of a YouTube HIIT workout and crash to bed.

That has been every day for both of us for our kids entire childhood. We aren’t in high paying fields so can’t hire out for a nanny or cleaners, and our commutes are both about 45 min (we both work downtown).

Can anyone commiserate? I’m suddenly old, and realize all I’ve done for 20 years is tread water.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are feeling down. How about mediating on all the good you have done in those years?

[Anonymous]

This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

[Anonymous]

I’m the exact same age & have that exact feeling. It is a weird feeling, I have more time with myself & my thoughts than I have ever had in the last 18 years or so - it went by in a blink of an eye.
I am still in the thick of it with kids in high school, but starting to think of what life will be like with them at college. I’m starting to think of things I will be excited to do, maybe new hobbies - life will evolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

So helpful. No, most people aren’t able to pick up and move.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP.

I ended up as a SAHM because my boss fired me for having a special needs child I had to rush home to instead of putting in 10 hours a day, as expected in my profession. We decided I would stay home permanently to enjoy a smaller but less stressful life on my husband's income.

And now the kids are growing up, and I am just starting to think about getting back into the workforce, in my mid-40s. Right when all the feds are being fired in DC, not a great time.

It is what it is. I hope you did have moments of deep joy even in the trenches of work and parenting. You still have many decades to enjoy your life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs, OP.

I ended up as a SAHM because my boss fired me for having a special needs child I had to rush home to instead of putting in 10 hours a day, as expected in my profession. We decided I would stay home permanently to enjoy a smaller but less stressful life on my husband's income.

And now the kids are growing up, and I am just starting to think about getting back into the workforce, in my mid-40s. Right when all the feds are being fired in DC, not a great time.

It is what it is. I hope you did have moments of deep joy even in the trenches of work and parenting. You still have many decades to enjoy your life!

I assume your DH got focus on his career, and had some success there? We should have had me SAHM, and taken a chance with DH to succeed. But we were trying to be equitable, which means it sucked for both of us. I didn’t want him staying late at work either, because I wanted help at home as I was exhausted from work already, and he was always late to work dropping off the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs, OP.

I ended up as a SAHM because my boss fired me for having a special needs child I had to rush home to instead of putting in 10 hours a day, as expected in my profession. We decided I would stay home permanently to enjoy a smaller but less stressful life on my husband's income.

And now the kids are growing up, and I am just starting to think about getting back into the workforce, in my mid-40s. Right when all the feds are being fired in DC, not a great time.

It is what it is. I hope you did have moments of deep joy even in the trenches of work and parenting. You still have many decades to enjoy your life!

I assume your DH got focus on his career, and had some success there? We should have had me SAHM, and taken a chance with DH to succeed. But we were trying to be equitable, which means it sucked for both of us. I didn’t want him staying late at work either, because I wanted help at home as I was exhausted from work already, and he was always late to work dropping off the kids.

Not exactly. Our HHI has never gone past 150K. However he had great luck investing in the stock market, and we are able to send our kids to college and plan retirement with that. But our daily life is frugal. We live in a tiny house, drive cars we bought when the kids were born, that sort of thing. We've learned to be happy with what we have, which compared to others in the world is already quite a lot.

[Anonymous]

I'm still in the thick with ES kids. But we tried to align our hobbies and activities to kids stuff. We do scouts and camping and crafts and concerts with them. I don't want to wait 20 year for my life. They are fine when we have adults over for dinner etc. it's a way of life for us.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you're describing is life. And you're not special. You're living an honorable life but, like everyone else, not particularly special

[Anonymous]

I did it for a few years and decided to stop and focus on time with kids and myself. Financials look different (no vacations, old car, thrift or outlet clothing, no dining out). Life is short. Now that they are in college, I work very part time and do things I enjoy.

[Anonymous]

What specifically do you think you missed out on OP? Climbing the corporate ladder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

Not OP, my parents were older and past the point where they wanted to help. In laws were already dead. Not everyone has a living functional family when they happen to have kids. And not everyone has job opportunities in their hometowns.

[Anonymous]

I’m a few years ahead of you as my youngest is a sophomore in college. Set yourself up for an enjoyable last 10 plus career years. If that means one job move to provide a challenge or travel u couldn’t take on, do it. I took a new role the year my youngest got drivers license. I love the new challenge. In my case it was a lateral move re $ but I expect to be able to enjoy working longer rather than counting the days until retirement. Empty nesting is pretty awesome btw. You get to focus on yourself. Maybe it’s not a new job but meaningful volunteer work or satisfaction through a hobby. You got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why most people move near family when they have kids. Without a village it’s pretty hard. Why didn’t you move near one of your parents?

So helpful. No, most people aren’t able to pick up and move.

And how about all of the grandparents who aren’t interested in “helping out”?