Leaving Spouse with Dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

+1 this is statistically much more common for men to do than for women to do.

That's likely true but most women have a support network of female friends that men just don't have.

Women build a support network of friends.

^^^ fixed that for you

Eh. IME watching this in my mom’s generation (my mom is dead)…friends do not stay when the descent begins. They might visit every few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exhibit #100 for reasons why older people should not remarry. If you are past childbearing age and have already been married/had children, you shouldn't remarry. Men only want a housekeeper and women only want a money bag.

That's why none of our widowed mothers remarried in my college friend group. As one memorably explained, "All these guys want is a nurse or a purse." Women have their own assets to protect.

Exactly. He was looking for someone to be his nursemaid in old age and once he figured out that isn't going to happen, he dropped her instantly. Truly vile behavior.

Seems more that she wanted the nurse and the purse since she was the one who needed care and she was the one who didn't have money. Once he realized his role was to be the nurse and the purse, he bailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have relatives in memory care and the early onset cases are really sad. I knew one woman whose husband ghosted her then divorced her -- her sister had to step in and manage all her care. So your brother isn't the only one.

I don't understand why she can't be put in a nice place if the assets are there. That's just cruel to put someone in a depressing place. There are plenty of really nice places around. It gets to a point where the visits are pointless but at the very least put them some place you'd want to be if the tables were turned.

The point is that OP’s brother doesn’t want to spend his assets on his wife. He is cruel, untrustworthy and lied through his teeth when he took his vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we start to judge too harshly…her family may be glad to get rid of him. It would be terrible for your mom to remarry and less than a year later this basic stranger to you gets to make all her decisions and then inherit all her stuff.

She had no kids according to OP. And no assets, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exhibit #100 for reasons why older people should not remarry. If you are past childbearing age and have already been married/had children, you shouldn't remarry. Men only want a housekeeper and women only want a money bag.

That's why none of our widowed mothers remarried in my college friend group. As one memorably explained, "All these guys want is a nurse or a purse." Women have their own assets to protect.

Exactly. He was looking for someone to be his nursemaid in old age and once he figured out that isn't going to happen, he dropped her instantly. Truly vile behavior.

Men do this a lot, though. I think caretaking men are the exception rather than the rule, and they do it because they have decades of goodwill and want to shield their kids from as much of the costs and labor as possible. As women, we almost need to expect the worst and plan accordingly.

All true. And those men who think of the adult children, goodwill, costs & labor of care taking are rare.
Most bail. “Don’t have it in me.” Excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Did he share the reason for the divorce ?
Maybe he simply doesn’t want to take her medical issues on after only two year in..

He doesn't want to deal with her illness. He's in his 60s, still relatively young and doesn't want to have to ruin his life to deal with an ill spouse who will probably live for another 10 yrs maybe with this illness.

My mother has dementia. She is 85. My father is 92. My sister mostly takes care of her. No one is divorcing anyone in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is a POS but so you are. You speak only in the perspective of, what does he owe her? He owes her, her vows. He made the decision to marry later in life, this is something that should have been thought about. What comes around goes around.

This is OP. I am actually quite upset by it and I'm having a hard time having a relationship with my brother now. He has really abandoned her. He is wealthy and she has both medicare and long term care, so it is not about finances. He is one of those guys who wants to be taken care like a child and doesnt lift a finger. So when she became sick, it is like he turned off a switch that she was no longer going to be there for him. What also shocks me even more is that once she left (she went to a rather depressing facility) he has made every excuse not to visit (too far, nothing to do, can't handle it emotionally) and basically is done with her altogether and roaring to date. So it upsets me to watch this.

I have a friend who unfortunately had a very early premie. Baby was in NICU for a couple of months. She was working FT but went to the hospital everyday to be with her baby.

The husband/father was MIA. He said he couldn't deal with seeing his baby in there. He decided he was going to travel more for work, became an alcoholic and had an affair while overseas. He told his AP that he was not married nor had any kids. He also made only a fraction of what she made.

The baby survived but not without serious issues. He rarely sees his child, and when she had to travel for work, she told him to stay with their child, but that her mom would be there to help. He said to the mom, "I'm here to help you". She looked at him and said, "No, you are the child's father. I'm here to help *you*."

He went completely MIA for a year. She had no idea where he was. He had checked himself into AA but he's still largely MIA in this child's life. My friend worked FT and took care of her SN child mostly by herself while he wallowed in self pity.

[Anonymous]

Single woman here this thread made me thinking.
What arrangements can be made for older age, if you dint expect to remarry ? I’m pretty well off but I would think if I fell sick with dementia and stop paying premiums, there won’t be any fallback available …
I do have one son but don’t expect him to care for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men being men.

Women do stuff like this to their husbands more than the other way around.

Statistically false.

Are you sure? For a 60 year old, 2nd marriage of 1 year.

Sure, long term marriages, women stay more than men, but 2nd marriages. I don't think so. I'd also add more women leave because more men become disabled 1st.

My widower uncle's girlfriend ditched him when he needed surgery because she had already nursed her former husband and wasn't going to do it again.

That’s sad, but being a girlfriend instead of a wife is less of a commitment. She stayed and was a caregiver to the man she vowed to stay with in sickness and in health.

In OP’s relative’s case, he’s bailing on his vows because he didn’t really mean them.

+1 Did the GF vow she would be with him in sickness and in health? Did she say to him that I will love and care for you until I die? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is a POS but so you are. You speak only in the perspective of, what does he owe her? He owes her, her vows. He made the decision to marry later in life, this is something that should have been thought about. What comes around goes around.

This is OP. I am actually quite upset by it and I'm having a hard time having a relationship with my brother now. He has really abandoned her. He is wealthy and she has both medicare and long term care, so it is not about finances. He is one of those guys who wants to be taken care like a child and doesnt lift a finger. So when she became sick, it is like he turned off a switch that she was no longer going to be there for him. What also shocks me even more is that once she left (she went to a rather depressing facility) he has made every excuse not to visit (too far, nothing to do, can't handle it emotionally) and basically is done with her altogether and roaring to date. So it upsets me to watch this.

I have a friend who unfortunately had a very early premie. Baby was in NICU for a couple of months. She was working FT but went to the hospital everyday to be with her baby.

The husband/father was MIA. He said he couldn't deal with seeing his baby in there. He decided he was going to travel more for work, became an alcoholic and had an affair while overseas. He told his AP that he was not married nor had any kids. He also made only a fraction of what she made.

The baby survived but not without serious issues. He rarely sees his child, and when she had to travel for work, she told him to stay with their child, but that her mom would be there to help. He said to the mom, "I'm here to help you". She looked at him and said, "No, you are the child's father. I'm here to help *you*."

He went completely MIA for a year. She had no idea where he was. He had checked himself into AA but he's still largely MIA in this child's life. My friend worked FT and took care of her SN child mostly by herself while he wallowed in self pity.

My exH completely abandoned our mildly autistic grown up child after divorce. We were married for 19 years. He’s now dating a woman with 2 young kids so I wonder what he tells her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single woman here this thread made me thinking.
What arrangements can be made for older age, if you dint expect to remarry ? I’m pretty well off but I would think if I fell sick with dementia and stop paying premiums, there won’t be any fallback available …
I do have one son but don’t expect him to care for me

Autpay.

Create an estate and have someone trustworthy be the executor of your estate, and find a good lawyer to watch out for your interests. Put in your living will that should you become incapacitated, the executor can pay your bills, and all bills need to be sent to the lawyer for auditing.

Your son doesn't have to physically take care of you, but he should at least watch out for you financially. It's in his best interest, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is a POS but so you are. You speak only in the perspective of, what does he owe her? He owes her, her vows. He made the decision to marry later in life, this is something that should have been thought about. What comes around goes around.

This is OP. I am actually quite upset by it and I'm having a hard time having a relationship with my brother now. He has really abandoned her. He is wealthy and she has both medicare and long term care, so it is not about finances. He is one of those guys who wants to be taken care like a child and doesnt lift a finger. So when she became sick, it is like he turned off a switch that she was no longer going to be there for him. What also shocks me even more is that once she left (she went to a rather depressing facility) he has made every excuse not to visit (too far, nothing to do, can't handle it emotionally) and basically is done with her altogether and roaring to date. So it upsets me to watch this.

I have a friend who unfortunately had a very early premie. Baby was in NICU for a couple of months. She was working FT but went to the hospital everyday to be with her baby.

The husband/father was MIA. He said he couldn't deal with seeing his baby in there. He decided he was going to travel more for work, became an alcoholic and had an affair while overseas. He told his AP that he was not married nor had any kids. He also made only a fraction of what she made.

The baby survived but not without serious issues. He rarely sees his child, and when she had to travel for work, she told him to stay with their child, but that her mom would be there to help. He said to the mom, "I'm here to help you". She looked at him and said, "No, you are the child's father. I'm here to help *you*."

He went completely MIA for a year. She had no idea where he was. He had checked himself into AA but he's still largely MIA in this child's life. My friend worked FT and took care of her SN child mostly by herself while he wallowed in self pity.

My exH completely abandoned our mildly autistic grown up child after divorce. We were married for 19 years. He’s now dating a woman with 2 young kids so I wonder what he tells her

He probably tells her that you were an unreasonable, frigid b(tch while she (the current wife) is amazing. But, she should watch out because if she or any of her kids have serious health issues, he will leave her. I would tell her that. Yep, I'm that vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single woman here this thread made me thinking.
What arrangements can be made for older age, if you dint expect to remarry ? I’m pretty well off but I would think if I fell sick with dementia and stop paying premiums, there won’t be any fallback available …
I do have one son but don’t expect him to care for me

Autpay.

Create an estate and have someone trustworthy be the executor of your estate, and find a good lawyer to watch out for your interests. Put in your living will that should you become incapacitated, the executor can pay your bills, and all bills need to be sent to the lawyer for auditing.

Your son doesn't have to physically take care of you, but he should at least watch out for you financially. It's in his best interest, after all.

How much does this service cost in dmv, can you recommend anyone ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is a POS but so you are. You speak only in the perspective of, what does he owe her? He owes her, her vows. He made the decision to marry later in life, this is something that should have been thought about. What comes around goes around.

This is OP. I am actually quite upset by it and I'm having a hard time having a relationship with my brother now. He has really abandoned her. He is wealthy and she has both medicare and long term care, so it is not about finances. He is one of those guys who wants to be taken care like a child and doesnt lift a finger. So when she became sick, it is like he turned off a switch that she was no longer going to be there for him. What also shocks me even more is that once she left (she went to a rather depressing facility) he has made every excuse not to visit (too far, nothing to do, can't handle it emotionally) and basically is done with her altogether and roaring to date. So it upsets me to watch this.

I have a friend who unfortunately had a very early premie. Baby was in NICU for a couple of months. She was working FT but went to the hospital everyday to be with her baby.

The husband/father was MIA. He said he couldn't deal with seeing his baby in there. He decided he was going to travel more for work, became an alcoholic and had an affair while overseas. He told his AP that he was not married nor had any kids. He also made only a fraction of what she made.

The baby survived but not without serious issues. He rarely sees his child, and when she had to travel for work, she told him to stay with their child, but that her mom would be there to help. He said to the mom, "I'm here to help you". She looked at him and said, "No, you are the child's father. I'm here to help *you*."

He went completely MIA for a year. She had no idea where he was. He had checked himself into AA but he's still largely MIA in this child's life. My friend worked FT and took care of her SN child mostly by herself while he wallowed in self pity.

My exH completely abandoned our mildly autistic grown up child after divorce. We were married for 19 years. He’s now dating a woman with 2 young kids so I wonder what he tells her

He probably tells her that you were an unreasonable, frigid b(tch while she (the current wife) is amazing. But, she should watch out because if she or any of her kids have serious health issues, he will leave her. I would tell her that. Yep, I'm that vindictive.

Oh he didn’t marry her /yet. I doubt he will as he’s really fixated on having things separately “his money” etc.
I don’t even know her name he’s hiding it even from our child