Am I a Terrible Daughter/Caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, is your mom a citizen? I am wondering if you are ignoring medicaid/medicare benefits because your mom is not eligible. If so, then the problem is somewhat different and the options are fewer.

This- I also wondered if mom has Medicare. I highly doubt it. It is not there for people to import their parents and then drain the system. OP is doing the best she can but we have a messed up system prolonging life like this. (even for people on Medicare). Why are we so bad at saying it was a life well lived and ending it? Canada does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not taking adequate care of her. Bedsores are an indicator. Does not mean you are bad. Means you just can't do the whole job. You need to put her in a facility here or take her home for a 24/7 place there.

My friend is a home health aid and she says patients develop bedsores much quicker at SNFs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not taking adequate care of her. Bedsores are an indicator. Does not mean you are bad. Means you just can't do the whole job. You need to put her in a facility here or take her home for a 24/7 place there.

My friend is a home health aid and she says patients develop bedsores much quicker at SNFs.

I am not op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you look good in orange? How about stripes?

Aside from all the good advice others have given you about getting proper care for your mom, you need to think about potential criminal consequences - like elder abuse/neglect.

I suggest that you do something TODAY that will either immediately put your mother into a facility or put her into the hospital/ER.

If you don't you may wind up being charged with criminal neglect or worse. What you are doing is actional neglect. Staff in facilities can and will be criminally charged for doing so. And so should you.

Suggest you move on this right now - today.

Again, my home health aid friend told me about a man she was helping to care for who eventually went to a rehab or an SNL and ended up dying of infected bedsores and no one was charged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

Honestly I don’t think she needs meds or healthy food or Dr visits unless it’s a hospital placement to give you a break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

You are NOT caring for her properly and your ARE neglecting her. Period. WAKE UP and stop feeling sorry for YOURSELF or you will be standing before a judge. If you feel bad because you can't go with your family on trips, imagine what it will be like for them if you are convicted of elder abuse.

She should not have bedsores. Period.

You asked if you are a terrible daughter/caregiver? The answer is you probably are not a good caregiver but you CAN be a good daughter if you admit you are in over your head.

The most loving thing to do is get PROFESSIONAL help for your mother. That doesn't mean you don't love her - it means you love her so much you will not stand for anyone (even yourself) preventing her from being cared for properly.

OP don’t listen to this person. Nobody is going to charge you with neglect.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to the U. S. Department of Justice, "Signs of Neglect Include: Dehydration, malnutrition, UNTREATED BED SORES, and poor personal hygiene"

They also have this number for help listed:
Eldercare Locator helpline 1-800-677-1116

And whatever state you are in has a state ombudsman office - google "[State] elder care ombusdman" and they can provide help.

Key word - untreated.
Stop scaring OP
She’ll end up being scared to get help for her mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

Not OP.
You don’t understand because you are American most likely
I am from another country just like OP
It’s extremely hard for us to go against the grain and place our parents into “homes”
It’s cultural
If the thread bothers you so much you should just stop reading

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

Why secretly? That wouldn't be an unusual way to let someone die on hospice.

Because someone needs to be declared terminal BY A PROFESSIONAL diagnosis to be on hospice.

OP has simply taken it upon herself to decide that since she is tired and disgusted with caring for her mother, it's time for her to die. Even if that includes ignoring agonizing, infected bedsores WITHOUT appropriate pain meds.

If OP's mother dies in her "care" and without hospice or a doctor's direct oversight, I hope authorities do an autopsy and determine her mother was neglected. Then they can press criminal charges on OP and she can try and wiggle her way out of that.

You are crazy
-not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, is your mom a citizen? I am wondering if you are ignoring medicaid/medicare benefits because your mom is not eligible. If so, then the problem is somewhat different and the options are fewer.

This- I also wondered if mom has Medicare. I highly doubt it. It is not there for people to import their parents and then drain the system. OP is doing the best she can but we have a messed up system prolonging life like this. (even for people on Medicare). Why are we so bad at saying it was a life well lived and ending it? Canada does.

Don’t worry, some states give Medicaid to new green card holders so “draining the system” still happens

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not a bad daughter. If you said you wanted your mom to keep living I’d say you weren’t right in the head.
Now, can her dr prescribe her some sleeping pills? Or can she take the OTC ones? If yes, she needs to be given one when you take a nap and/or before bed so you can sleep. She also needs diapers so she doesn’t have to worry about the bathroom.

For people with dementia it’s better for their caregivers if they are immobile as they can’t cause trouble that way.

[Anonymous]

To add, do get Medicaid for her. Some states give it even if she has resources but not income. And if her money is abroad or in your name then this isn’t even an issue. Then place her into LTC that takes Medicaid. Or try to get home care hours paid for by Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

OP, my grandmother had advanced dementia. She was so upset, scared and confused most all of the time, and particularly scared of caregivers, nurses and doctors. She was on meds, but the anxiety was uncontrollable and she was delusional and irrational. It was no way to live and there didn't seem to be an end In sight.

Then she fell and broke her hip. They had to do surgery. She was going to need months of PT but absolutely was not in a place mentally to follow instructions and she would be terrified. It was going to be super traumatic for everyone, but especially her. We had no idea how we were going to get through it.

She ended up dying of a blood clot in hip surgery, so the doctors told us. It was an incredibly merciful way for her to go and we all thanked God. We'd lost her mentally long ago and she was going to be tortured in her recovery (at best).

I think often at such advanced age and in declining health something comes along to precipitate a health crisis, be it a broken hip or a stroke or pneumonia. Get the support you need, but also know that things can change very, very quickly. This won't go on forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To add, do get Medicaid for her. Some states give it even if she has resources but not income. And if her money is abroad or in your name then this isn’t even an issue. Then place her into LTC that takes Medicaid. Or try to get home care hours paid for by Medicaid.

This is not correct.

"For non-U.S. citizens, Medicaid eligibility is determined by a combination of immigration status, length of residency, and financial criteria, including all countable assets held overseas. Foreign assets are generally treated the same as domestic assets for meeting Medicaid's strict financial limits.

An applicant's eligibility for federally funded Medicaid depends on their specific "qualified" immigration status, and many must wait five years after receiving that status before they can enroll.

Medicaid is a needs-based program with strict asset limits, typically $2,000 for an individual in many states. All assets owned by the applicant are considered in this calculation, regardless of where they are located. Overseas bank accounts, real estate, stocks, and other investments held abroad are all counted towards the total asset limit.

Concealment of assets: Failing to report overseas assets on a Medicaid application is considered fraud. Because Medicaid has estate recovery provisions, the state has the right to pursue reimbursement from all of an individual's assets after their death, including any located outside the United States.
Asset verification: States can and do investigate an applicant's financial situation. While verifying foreign assets can be more complex, advanced asset search companies and international tax agreements make it possible for state agencies to uncover these resources.

[Anonymous]

Any time I have what I call a "dark thought" during the course of caregiving I tell myself it's just as easy to wish for a miracle or something to turnaround as opposed to thinking a dark thought. Besides, you don't have to believe all of your thoughts. They are just thoughts.