Am I a Terrible Daughter/Caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help. We had no money for aides and its hard to do.

That's what I feared. You have the "good person" syndrome. People are not bad because they put their parents in homes, OP. You have arguably given worse care at home, reduced your own quality of life, and curtailed your family's activities and lifestyle by quitting your job and attempting to care for your mother in your own home.

You are not a better or worse person than someone who made a different choice. But it's a problem that you think there is a morality angle to this. There isn't. Quit feeling misplaced pride (for taking her in), and now misplaced guilt and resentment (for not being able to see it through). You just need to recognize that she needs more than you can give her. Your sacrifices don't somehow place you first in line to Heaven, or whatever you believe in. They don't wash off other sins. They were simply a choice you made, one of many. Now you can make a different one.

I detest this fake virtue.

I quit my job as I was not in a high paying profession to care for my family. This ap was after. The nursing home sucked. I don’t believe in god, heaven or sin. I believe in treating others how you want to be treated.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you look good in orange? How about stripes?

Aside from all the good advice others have given you about getting proper care for your mom, you need to think about potential criminal consequences - like elder abuse/neglect.

I suggest that you do something TODAY that will either immediately put your mother into a facility or put her into the hospital/ER.

If you don't you may wind up being charged with criminal neglect or worse. What you are doing is actional neglect. Staff in facilities can and will be criminally charged for doing so. And so should you.

Suggest you move on this right now - today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help. We had no money for aides and its hard to do.

That's what I feared. You have the "good person" syndrome. People are not bad because they put their parents in homes, OP. You have arguably given worse care at home, reduced your own quality of life, and curtailed your family's activities and lifestyle by quitting your job and attempting to care for your mother in your own home.

You are not a better or worse person than someone who made a different choice. But it's a problem that you think there is a morality angle to this. There isn't. Quit feeling misplaced pride (for taking her in), and now misplaced guilt and resentment (for not being able to see it through). You just need to recognize that she needs more than you can give her. Your sacrifices don't somehow place you first in line to Heaven, or whatever you believe in. They don't wash off other sins. They were simply a choice you made, one of many. Now you can make a different one.

I detest this fake virtue.

I quit my job as I was not in a high paying profession to care for my family. This ap was after. The nursing home sucked. I don’t believe in god, heaven or sin. I believe in treating others how you want to be treated.

You want bedsores when you are older? They are incredibly painful.

PP is correct that you are potentially violating elder care laws being so neglectful. This level of care is not OK. I feel for you and am not trying to scare you, but this has to stop sooner rather than later. You are in over your head.

[Anonymous]

At the very least get her to the ER today to get bedsores properly treated. It will give you some time and space to make a choice for yourself.

Medicare will pay for a wound care nurse to come to your house to treat your mom. There are resources available to you that you are not using because you are drowning.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help. We had no money for aides and its hard to do.

That's what I feared. You have the "good person" syndrome. People are not bad because they put their parents in homes, OP. You have arguably given worse care at home, reduced your own quality of life, and curtailed your family's activities and lifestyle by quitting your job and attempting to care for your mother in your own home.

You are not a better or worse person than someone who made a different choice. But it's a problem that you think there is a morality angle to this. There isn't. Quit feeling misplaced pride (for taking her in), and now misplaced guilt and resentment (for not being able to see it through). You just need to recognize that she needs more than you can give her. Your sacrifices don't somehow place you first in line to Heaven, or whatever you believe in. They don't wash off other sins. They were simply a choice you made, one of many. Now you can make a different one.

I detest this fake virtue.

I agree with a lot of what you are saying but trying hard to do the best you can to help someone else — why would you call that fake virtue? Other people can do the best they can while making other choices - none of it is fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

OP - is it possible that a trained nurse who does wound care for a living could do a better job than you on the bed sores? The fact that your mom has bed sores speaks to how difficult her care is for one person - you.

You are asking us - am I a terrible daughter, and poster after poster has replied that you are taking on too much and need to change your situation. NO ONE THINKS YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DAUGHTER. But based on what you have told us, even though you are trying your best, you are not capable of giving your mom the care she needs right now. This is because you are one person. Not because you are a bad person.

You are choosing this situation for yourself. Ask yourself why. Does being a martyr serve you? Why do you choose this right now? Does it make you feel like a good person? Would you want this life for your daughter? If so, stop asking for help and keep on doing what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

You are NOT caring for her properly and your ARE neglecting her. Period. WAKE UP and stop feeling sorry for YOURSELF or you will be standing before a judge. If you feel bad because you can't go with your family on trips, imagine what it will be like for them if you are convicted of elder abuse.

She should not have bedsores. Period.

You asked if you are a terrible daughter/caregiver? The answer is you probably are not a good caregiver but you CAN be a good daughter if you admit you are in over your head.

The most loving thing to do is get PROFESSIONAL help for your mother. That doesn't mean you don't love her - it means you love her so much you will not stand for anyone (even yourself) preventing her from being cared for properly.

[Anonymous]

According to the U. S. Department of Justice, "Signs of Neglect Include: Dehydration, malnutrition, UNTREATED BED SORES, and poor personal hygiene"

They also have this number for help listed:
Eldercare Locator helpline 1-800-677-1116

And whatever state you are in has a state ombudsman office - google "[State] elder care ombusdman" and they can provide help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to the U. S. Department of Justice, "Signs of Neglect Include: Dehydration, malnutrition, UNTREATED BED SORES, and poor personal hygiene"

They also have this number for help listed:
Eldercare Locator helpline 1-800-677-1116

And whatever state you are in has a state ombudsman office - google "[State] elder care ombusdman" and they can provide help.

FYI, she is getting medical treatment for her bedsores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

OP - is it possible that a trained nurse who does wound care for a living could do a better job than you on the bed sores? The fact that your mom has bed sores speaks to how difficult her care is for one person - you.

You are asking us - am I a terrible daughter, and poster after poster has replied that you are taking on too much and need to change your situation. NO ONE THINKS YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DAUGHTER. But based on what you have told us, even though you are trying your best, you are not capable of giving your mom the care she needs right now. This is because you are one person. Not because you are a bad person.

You are choosing this situation for yourself. Ask yourself why. Does being a martyr serve you? Why do you choose this right now? Does it make you feel like a good person? Would you want this life for your daughter? If so, stop asking for help and keep on doing what you're doing.

All this. Good/bad daughter is irrelevant here and likely ties back to the PP who was saying that it's virtue signaling or martyring or something.

OP, you are simply one person and one person is not enough to care for a bedridden dementia patient.

All the memory care facilities I've toured talk about their lift systems for moving patients, cleaning, caring, etc. One of them was attached to the ceiling. All of them required two nurses or aides. There is a whole system for safely caring for these patients.

Stop stalling and visit a few memory care places and a few skilled nursing places. Figure out which is the better fit. Ask about Medicaid policies. Stop waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the U. S. Department of Justice, "Signs of Neglect Include: Dehydration, malnutrition, UNTREATED BED SORES, and poor personal hygiene"

They also have this number for help listed:
Eldercare Locator helpline 1-800-677-1116

And whatever state you are in has a state ombudsman office - google "[State] elder care ombusdman" and they can provide help.

FYI, she is getting medical treatment for her bedsores.

Your full of b.s. OP. And you seem to be very skilled at deflecting any criticism, or outright lying, which does not bode well for you.

You said yourself, right up front, ""Is it terrible that I secretly hope her bedsores do not heal, despite me taking care of them, and get infected, and that “does her in”?"

It's obvious you are tired of caring for your mother and are not giving her proper care because you hope she dies.

If that isn't elder abuse I don't know what is.

Imagine if a parent said, "I am so sick and tired of my kid's Type 1 diabetes. I'm not going to get professionals to care for them because I secretly hope they will die so I won't have to worry about it anymore. Am I a "bad mom"

Wouldn't that parent be rightfully charged with child neglect/abuse? Well, guess what OP ... you are doing the same thing to your mother.

At some point your mother will indeed die. And if it happens while she is under your neglectful "care" I hope you get charged criminally. Because that's what you are.

People treat their dogs and cats better than you are treating your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the U. S. Department of Justice, "Signs of Neglect Include: Dehydration, malnutrition, UNTREATED BED SORES, and poor personal hygiene"

They also have this number for help listed:
Eldercare Locator helpline 1-800-677-1116

And whatever state you are in has a state ombudsman office - google "[State] elder care ombusdman" and they can provide help.

FYI, she is getting medical treatment for her bedsores.

Your full of b.s. OP. And you seem to be very skilled at deflecting any criticism, or outright lying, which does not bode well for you.

You said yourself, right up front, ""Is it terrible that I secretly hope her bedsores do not heal, despite me taking care of them, and get infected, and that “does her in”?"

It's obvious you are tired of caring for your mother and are not giving her proper care because you hope she dies.

If that isn't elder abuse I don't know what is.

Imagine if a parent said, "I am so sick and tired of my kid's Type 1 diabetes. I'm not going to get professionals to care for them because I secretly hope they will die so I won't have to worry about it anymore. Am I a "bad mom"

Wouldn't that parent be rightfully charged with child neglect/abuse? Well, guess what OP ... you are doing the same thing to your mother.

At some point your mother will indeed die. And if it happens while she is under your neglectful "care" I hope you get charged criminally. Because that's what you are.

People treat their dogs and cats better than you are treating your mother.

OP here. For my peace of mind, I am doing all I can to take care of my mom. I am cleaning, and covering her bed sore. It is a lot, but I am doing it. I am not neglecting her. She cannot feed herself now, so I take care of that. She hurt her hand, so she needs me to help her go to the bathroom because she cannot use her walker. BTW, this was the first time I had ever seen a bedsore. This is all new to me, and I am doing my best.

I am overwhelmed, like many caregivers in this country. I am an only child, and doing the best I can. I take her to her appointments in a wheelchair. Her doctor knows me, as do the nurses in the office.

But this is draining. As soon as I try to take a catnap, she calls for me. I have to do her laundry everyother day. I feel guilty for looking forward to the freedom I will finaly have after altering my whole life for five years. I know I am not the only caregiver who shares these feelings.

I did not ask to take care of her, but there were no other options. I am kind with her, but not very affectionate, because that just isn’t my personality.

When I mentioned I was loosing my temper, I do not yell at her, as I know that will startle her, but I do change the tone of my voice and tell I am doing the best that I can. It is frustrating, and I have to hide my tears.

Sorry if I am not the perfect caregiver in your eyes. I was just sharing my frustrations. I do think the life my mother has now is just so sad. She cannot speak clearly, she is frail and has trouble recognizing the rest of my family.

I will most likely place her in a memory care center by the end of the year. English is my mom’s second language, so that was also one of the reasons I delayed placing her. At this point though, it seems like the only option.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 80 and in the last stages of dementia. She is in memory care and on hospice. She has excellent care and she has bedsores, so the insane person saying only someone who is not cared for gets bedsores...is just wrong and clearly doesn't have experience with terminal illness. I would recommend seeking out hospice asap. That will provide some in home care immediately and you can go from there. Good luck, this is an incredibly difficult position to be in.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP who suggested getting your mother to the hospital via ambulance and then refuse to accept her back into your home. You need to get her into a skilled nursing facility, hospice, memory care or whatever the right setting is for her.