Am I a Terrible Daughter/Caregiver?

[Anonymous]

OP, you took on an impossible job at incredible cost to your own well-being. But you don't need to keep doing this. And you shouldn't.

The bedsores are probably sufficient to get her admitted to a hospital, even if only on observation status. Once they do, you're under no personal or financial obligation to provide care. And they'll probably have better luck finding alternative placement than you'd be able to do.

Also, when you bring them to the hospital, you could indicate that she should go on hospice and decline antibiotics. They would still perform wound care and pain management, but likely the bedsores would eventually allow her to reach peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you look good in orange? How about stripes?

Aside from all the good advice others have given you about getting proper care for your mom, you need to think about potential criminal consequences - like elder abuse/neglect.

I suggest that you do something TODAY that will either immediately put your mother into a facility or put her into the hospital/ER.

If you don't you may wind up being charged with criminal neglect or worse. What you are doing is actional neglect. Staff in facilities can and will be criminally charged for doing so. And so should you.

Suggest you move on this right now - today.

Don't be ridiculous. Bed sores are common.

Yes, for her own well-being she should arrange alternative care, but she's certainly not at legal risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking care of her bedsores. I am taking good care of her. That is why I am so exhausted! I take her to the doctor; I feed her healthy foods, I wash her clothes when she soils them,; I manage her meds. Her room does not smell like urine. I bathe her regurlarly. My family goes on trips and other outings without me. I am not about to abandon her at all. I guess I am just depressed, and sometimes I think about these things. I would never neglect her. I am doing all I can in my power to keep her comfortable and safe.

Medicare will pay for transport to a wound care doctor and that doctor can order a medicare nurse to come to the house two times a week to dress the wounds and teach you how to do it. Your PCP might also be able to write a scrip for a nurse to come to the house twice a week. Then the nurse can train you to dress them the other days

[Anonymous]

Are you in Maryland? Maryland medicaid pays for caregivers to come to the home for a set number of hours per week and there’s also another waiver program that also pays a portion of assisted living room and board costs based on person’s assets/income. Call the local department of aging in your county.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the U. S. Department of Justice, "Signs of Neglect Include: Dehydration, malnutrition, UNTREATED BED SORES, and poor personal hygiene"

They also have this number for help listed:
Eldercare Locator helpline 1-800-677-1116

And whatever state you are in has a state ombudsman office - google "[State] elder care ombusdman" and they can provide help.

FYI, she is getting medical treatment for her bedsores.

Your full of b.s. OP. And you seem to be very skilled at deflecting any criticism, or outright lying, which does not bode well for you.

You said yourself, right up front, ""Is it terrible that I secretly hope her bedsores do not heal, despite me taking care of them, and get infected, and that “does her in”?"

It's obvious you are tired of caring for your mother and are not giving her proper care because you hope she dies.

If that isn't elder abuse I don't know what is.

Imagine if a parent said, "I am so sick and tired of my kid's Type 1 diabetes. I'm not going to get professionals to care for them because I secretly hope they will die so I won't have to worry about it anymore. Am I a "bad mom"

Wouldn't that parent be rightfully charged with child neglect/abuse? Well, guess what OP ... you are doing the same thing to your mother.

At some point your mother will indeed die. And if it happens while she is under your neglectful "care" I hope you get charged criminally. Because that's what you are.

People treat their dogs and cats better than you are treating your mother.

OP here. For my peace of mind, I am doing all I can to take care of my mom. I am cleaning, and covering her bed sore. It is a lot, but I am doing it. I am not neglecting her. She cannot feed herself now, so I take care of that. She hurt her hand, so she needs me to help her go to the bathroom because she cannot use her walker. BTW, this was the first time I had ever seen a bedsore. This is all new to me, and I am doing my best.

I am overwhelmed, like many caregivers in this country. I am an only child, and doing the best I can. I take her to her appointments in a wheelchair. Her doctor knows me, as do the nurses in the office.

But this is draining. As soon as I try to take a catnap, she calls for me. I have to do her laundry everyother day. I feel guilty for looking forward to the freedom I will finaly have after altering my whole life for five years. I know I am not the only caregiver who shares these feelings.

I did not ask to take care of her, but there were no other options. I am kind with her, but not very affectionate, because that just isn’t my personality.

When I mentioned I was loosing my temper, I do not yell at her, as I know that will startle her, but I do change the tone of my voice and tell I am doing the best that I can. It is frustrating, and I have to hide my tears.

Sorry if I am not the perfect caregiver in your eyes. I was just sharing my frustrations. I do think the life my mother has now is just so sad. She cannot speak clearly, she is frail and has trouble recognizing the rest of my family.

I will most likely place her in a memory care center by the end of the year. English is my mom’s second language, so that was also one of the reasons I delayed placing her. At this point though, it seems like the only option.

Just about every single person who has responded has given you multiple options. Essentially, everyone has told you to get professional help for your mom NOW. Yet you refuse to acknowledge that and keep stonewalling.

All you are doing is taking a defensive attitude or whining about how hard it is but you won't take action to do the right thing and get professional help for your mom - whether at home or in a facility.

TBH, based on your description your mom may not make it to the end of the year. Which means she will probably die at home, in your care. At the very least why haven't you gotten hospice involved? They will come to your home.

Are you ready for that? When you go back and read this thread, with all the people telling you to get professional help to make her final days more comfortable, will you feel guilty? I know I would.

But you do you. You are good at deflecting so it probably won't be an issue for you. Good luck...

[Anonymous]

Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

100%

[Anonymous]

Is a bedside toilet a useful option? This is tough OP, be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

Why secretly? That wouldn't be an unusual way to let someone die on hospice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

Why secretly? That wouldn't be an unusual way to let someone die on hospice.

Because someone needs to be declared terminal BY A PROFESSIONAL diagnosis to be on hospice.

OP has simply taken it upon herself to decide that since she is tired and disgusted with caring for her mother, it's time for her to die. Even if that includes ignoring agonizing, infected bedsores WITHOUT appropriate pain meds.

If OP's mother dies in her "care" and without hospice or a doctor's direct oversight, I hope authorities do an autopsy and determine her mother was neglected. Then they can press criminal charges on OP and she can try and wiggle her way out of that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are taking on a huge burden that is exhausting you.... but you are not availing yourself of necessary help.

I am pretty sure that at that stage of dementia your mom is eligible for hospice. They will come to the home and provide care and equipment. she is also eligible for wound care.

My MIL developed bed sores and we had wound care coming a few times a week. When my mother declines physically (she has Alzheimer's and is stage 6) I will bring in hospice consult.

You shouldn't be trying to deal with it all on your own; though our health care system is broken, there are some no cost services that can help in this specific situation.

The Alzheimers association will connect you with local services, I would start there and ask about hospice consult as well as wound care.

I would also stop worrying about cooking all that healthy food or taking your mom to the doctor. She is dying and the best you can do is keep her comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare will pay to have a wound care RN come to the house to care for the bedsores
Several times a week.

Call her primary care physician and have him order that.

That's good advice but OP isn't interested in actual solutions to improve her mother's quality of care nor the life she has left. After all, she is "secretly" wishing that her mother's bedsores will become infected and she will die.

OP just wants pity, sympathy and accolades for herself.

Why secretly? That wouldn't be an unusual way to let someone die on hospice.

Because someone needs to be declared terminal BY A PROFESSIONAL diagnosis to be on hospice.

OP has simply taken it upon herself to decide that since she is tired and disgusted with caring for her mother, it's time for her to die. Even if that includes ignoring agonizing, infected bedsores WITHOUT appropriate pain meds.

If OP's mother dies in her "care" and without hospice or a doctor's direct oversight, I hope authorities do an autopsy and determine her mother was neglected. Then they can press criminal charges on OP and she can try and wiggle her way out of that.

You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Op, is your mom a citizen? I am wondering if you are ignoring medicaid/medicare benefits because your mom is not eligible. If so, then the problem is somewhat different and the options are fewer.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is such a difficult time. And I am sorry for the hate that you are getting. When my dad was dying with dementia I also prayed he would go quickly. It is such a horrible disease.

I did speak with his doctors and they said that hospice would have taken him with just a dementia diagnosis. Turns out he had advanced staged pancreatic cancer, so it was a moot point.

Initially, I did go the route of calling 911. They took him to the hospital, then rehab, then assisted living, and finally memory care.

At some point you need to do what is best for everyone and that may mean taking her to the hospital and going from there. They have social workers that can help you find the right place for her.