Am I a Terrible Daughter/Caregiver?

[Anonymous]

My 88 yr old mother, stage 6/7 alzheimer has bedsores, and mobility issues. She lives with my family. I am at my wits end. Is it terrible that I secretly hope her bedsores do not heal, despite me taking care of them, and get infected, and that “does her in”? Her quality of life is terrible, as is mine. I also quietly hope she gets covid, and will have a swift end. I feel so much guilt when these thoughts come into my mind.

Lately, I’ve been loosing my temper with her. My back and wrists are killing me from having to help her get out of bed to take her to the bathroom. Taking her to the doctor is a huge ordeal, and they really cannot help a lot anyway.

I am ready to place her in memory care, but I worry they won’t accept her with bedsores.

[Anonymous]

Can you hire a nurse to come in? My friend's mom was not as quiet in this bad shape, but my friend had nurse care for her mother during the day, and then she would attend to her overnight needs.

I don't think you're terrible, I just think you need help. Being a caregiver is so incredibly hard. My SIL was my MIL's caregiver, and it basically consumed her whole life. But IL is single and has no kids. I don't know how she would've done it if she had her own family, too.

[Anonymous]

When you start getting angry at the patient, you know it's time to change what you're doing. Start calling homes now. You need to get her in somewhere, otherwise you're going to snap.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely need to hire someone other than help. What you're doing is inhumane. And what you're thinking of doing is as abusive as beating a toddler.

Your mom is confused and in pain and needs help. And you're losing your temper at her and considering letting her bedsores get infected?

You are losing your sanity and need to tell her doctors, your spouse, etc. that you need help IMMEDIATELY. Like, this week.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

[Anonymous]

*home country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Can YOU hire a part time nurse? Whenever is the most difficult time of day, hire a nurse for those four hours. You need a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 88 yr old mother, stage 6/7 alzheimer has bedsores, and mobility issues. She lives with my family. I am at my wits end. Is it terrible that I secretly hope her bedsores do not heal, despite me taking care of them, and get infected, and that “does her in”? Her quality of life is terrible, as is mine. I also quietly hope she gets covid, and will have a swift end. I feel so much guilt when these thoughts come into my mind.

Lately, I’ve been loosing my temper with her. My back and wrists are killing me from having to help her get out of bed to take her to the bathroom. Taking her to the doctor is a huge ordeal, and they really cannot help a lot anyway.

I am ready to place her in memory care, but I worry they won’t accept her with bedsores.

Please get some help. Or put her in a facility. I know you don't mean to lose your temper, but like a pp said, you will snap eventually, and none of this is your mother's fault.

Good luck, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Can YOU hire a part time nurse? Whenever is the most difficult time of day, hire a nurse for those four hours. You need a break.

I cannot. I quit my job to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Can YOU hire a part time nurse? Whenever is the most difficult time of day, hire a nurse for those four hours. You need a break.

I cannot. I quit my job to take care of her.

Grave mistake. My MIL with Parkinson's asked if she could move in with any of her sons and they all said no. They're all in healthcare, and know they cannot take this on. Not to mention, all the DILs are aware they would get the lion's share of the care. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Can YOU hire a part time nurse? Whenever is the most difficult time of day, hire a nurse for those four hours. You need a break.

I cannot. I quit my job to take care of her.

So who is paying the bills right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Can YOU hire a part time nurse? Whenever is the most difficult time of day, hire a nurse for those four hours. You need a break.

I cannot. I quit my job to take care of her.

So who is paying the bills right now?

My husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

[Anonymous]

You are not a bad daughter. It’s so hard, and there is no easy way out. Hire help, they steal from you or exploit your parent. Put her in skilled nursing, you pay 10,000 + a month. I’m in the same boat - caring for a parent who is nasty, mean, noncooperative . Insurance pays for a visiting nurse but she leaves after 15 mins. I’ve had to go to very part time and live off savings. And no end in sight.