Am I a Terrible Daughter/Caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

[Anonymous]

You are not taking adequate care of her. Bedsores are an indicator. Does not mean you are bad. Means you just can't do the whole job. You need to put her in a facility here or take her home for a 24/7 place there.

[Anonymous]

Op have you had a hospice consult yet? If she’s eligible I’d start there with some card while you explore out home placement. With bedsores she may be eligible. It’s covered by Medicare. The goal will be comfort but not life extension. No more doctors.

What you feel is normal and also a sign that you need a break.

[Anonymous]

No, its near impossible when they get dementia to care for them at home. I did it for a year and got to my breaking point as I couldn't safely leave the house without her, and put her in a medicaid bed and visited often. Sometimes best, is a nursing home as it only gets harder as it progresses and they get meaner until they lose all ability to speak and function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help. We had no money for aides and its hard to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op have you had a hospice consult yet? If she’s eligible I’d start there with some card while you explore out home placement. With bedsores she may be eligible. It’s covered by Medicare. The goal will be comfort but not life extension. No more doctors.

What you feel is normal and also a sign that you need a break.

Yes, do the hospice route!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help. We had no money for aides and its hard to do.

That's what I feared. You have the "good person" syndrome. People are not bad because they put their parents in homes, OP. You have arguably given worse care at home, reduced your own quality of life, and curtailed your family's activities and lifestyle by quitting your job and attempting to care for your mother in your own home.

You are not a better or worse person than someone who made a different choice. But it's a problem that you think there is a morality angle to this. There isn't. Quit feeling misplaced pride (for taking her in), and now misplaced guilt and resentment (for not being able to see it through). You just need to recognize that she needs more than you can give her. Your sacrifices don't somehow place you first in line to Heaven, or whatever you believe in. They don't wash off other sins. They were simply a choice you made, one of many. Now you can make a different one.

I detest this fake virtue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now.

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option.

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help. We had no money for aides and its hard to do.

That's what I feared. You have the "good person" syndrome. People are not bad because they put their parents in homes, OP. You have arguably given worse care at home, reduced your own quality of life, and curtailed your family's activities and lifestyle by quitting your job and attempting to care for your mother in your own home.

You are not a better or worse person than someone who made a different choice. But it's a problem that you think there is a morality angle to this. There isn't. Quit feeling misplaced pride (for taking her in), and now misplaced guilt and resentment (for not being able to see it through). You just need to recognize that she needs more than you can give her. Your sacrifices don't somehow place you first in line to Heaven, or whatever you believe in. They don't wash off other sins. They were simply a choice you made, one of many. Now you can make a different one.

I detest this fake virtue.

OP here. I would have placed her much earlier, but money is an issue. Also, I worry about medicaid being available in the future if my mom outlives her savings.

I do have a memory care chosen. As soon as her bed sores heal, I will place her. It is not fake virture at all, it just comes down to money. We are not UMC wealthy, so we don’t have a lot of options.

[Anonymous]

Her bed sores aren't going to heal. You can't move her often enough. Look into hospices that will take her as well is.

[Anonymous]

Here's what you do: Call an ambulance to take her to the ER to get her bedsores seen because you are "worried they are infected." When they try to discharge her, tell them she has no place to go. They will keep her until they can place her in skilled nursing. While she is in skilled nursing (paid for by Medicare), find a place to move her to. The way you describe her she is unlilkely to last three more years. When she runs out of money, she can use Medicaid.

Your situation is untenable. Make a change today.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you are waiting for the bed sores to heal. Did the memory care facility tell you they can't take her in her current condition?

If she is bedridden, also look at skilled nursing. They usually take Medicaid right away (whereas memory care has some amount of buy in where you have to pay the private rate before they can accept Medicaid).

But do it today OP. One person literally cannot care for a person with dementia. Period.

[Anonymous]

Claudia's Angels is an affordable, in-home health aide service. Perhaps that can lighten your load during this acute phase with her?

Claudia Trau
Claudia's Compassionate Elderly Care
703-587-6423

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. My mother has dementia and my father had Parkinsons. I cared for them nearly full time until we managed to liquidate and get funds to hire 24-7 care at home. It is HARD.

Listen, I think you might not be using all the tools available.

It's hard to figure out what to get and how to get it.

But google "hoyer lift" and see if you can get a scrip to buy one. If not, you can buy one out of pocket if you can afford it. The electric kind is easier than the crank, but Medicare might only handle the crank.

Also, look into getting a special air mattress for the bed that will help decrease the likelihood of bed sores.

Try to get nursing advice on how to turn your mom to decrease the risk of bed sores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My mother has dementia and my father had Parkinsons. I cared for them nearly full time until we managed to liquidate and get funds to hire 24-7 care at home. It is HARD.

Listen, I think you might not be using all the tools available.

It's hard to figure out what to get and how to get it.

But google "hoyer lift" and see if you can get a scrip to buy one. If not, you can buy one out of pocket if you can afford it. The electric kind is easier than the crank, but Medicare might only handle the crank.

Also, look into getting a special air mattress for the bed that will help decrease the likelihood of bed sores.

Try to get nursing advice on how to turn your mom to decrease the risk of bed sores.

I meant to add - is your mom bed bound? Is she unable to walk / turn around in bed by herself? If so, it's impossible for ONE person to turn her enough to prevent bed sores.

You need more help. What you are doing, taking care of a dementia patient all alone, is just too hard.

[Anonymous]

I’m so, so sorry, OP. That is beyond hard. Taking care of your mother in this situation is a huge burden and is completely draining on the caregiver. I would hire help to come in as as much as possible to get on top of the bed sores, and then put her into a facility. Otherwise, you are going to wind up, smothering her with a pillow or driving yourself off a cliff.