19yo DD failed her freshman year and now is at home refusing to work or go to school

[Anonymous]

The agreement, IMO, for every month she isn't working she owes you rent. I would also get her back in therapy. ADHD co-occurs with lots of other disorders.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she just wants to get married young and have babies. Have a family. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19 year old DD is now at home acting complete different and wanting to do nothing after she failed her freshman year. DD got diagnosed with ADHD in 10th grade after her grades suddenly slipped significantly and she wasn’t getting her usual A’s. The rest of high school, we tried medication and some therapy for a while, but got her off the medication because she had some bad side effects. So, we mainly had to sit with her to make sure she did her homework, turned it in, and studied for tests which helped. End of senior year, we put DD back on another medication that we thought would help her do well this year, because now that she had to be away for college she needed to manage her school work in her own. We weren’t able to monitor her anymore. We didn’t have access to her grades, so all we knew was what she told us.

She had a great year socially and made many friends, but she has developed a drinking habit. DD came back home in May and started a part-time job for the summer, which has now concluded. She’s currently dating a guy she went to high school with and is a commuter to our local university and now that she is home and without a job, she spends most of the time over at his. DD wants a good future for herself but I’m not aware how she expects that to happen right now. DD doesn’t want to take her medication, refuses to get a new job, and she doesn’t want to do any community college classes to continue her education because she tends to be very perfectionist and was very upset about failing so she believes since she failed out it isn’t worth continuing because she wanted a full 4 year university education. When she is at home, she doesn’t cleans up after herself and does nothing but sleep in and be on her phone.

A lot of times DD comes home really drunk after being at her boyfriends, and she’s a mean drunk, so she gets super disrespectful and calls DH and I names. We have two other teenage DDs ages 17 and 13 and we are afraid she’s setting them a bad example by her behaving like this. We have no issue wi to her living with us as long as she is respectful and is working or in school but right now that isn’t happening so we are not sure where to begin or what to do. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

I suspect she may be severely depressed. With all that alcohol away at college, she may have had an abortion. You will never know for sure.
Lots of kids are in trouble because of all the alcohol at parties. They can’t say no to sex after the alcohol.

If you think any kid “knows” when they had enough, you’re delusional.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I mean nothing about failing at life indicated perfectionism to me.

My sibling with ADHD is like this. Either it comes easily and they're the best at it and outshine their peers, or they're the worst and it's not even worth trying if they're just going to be mediocre. Sibling also failed out of their first year of college because of the anxiety and the "why even try if I already screwed something up?" factor, so yeah, it can be self sabotaging.

No magic bullet. Sibling eventually went to community college or worked crappy jobs (basically would get sick enough of one to bounce back to the other each semester), got AA degree after a few years, finished at a good state school mid-20s.

OP's daughter has the alcohol issue on top though. That needs to be dealt with. She's self medicating for depression in a very self destructive way.

Yes, your sibling has the textbook “black and white” thinking that many people with ADHD have. Everything is incredibly easy or too hard, a triumph or an abysmal failure, the best or the worst. It’s a lifelong struggle to overcome that way of thinking.

“Black and white thinking” is in fact not in any textbook describing ADHD. It is however part of the textbook description of BPD, as well as the type of dysfunctional thinking that may underlie depression.

Feel free to google ADHD and black and white thinking. While I wasn’t citing the DSM (lol), it is a very well known phenomenon clinicians have observed in individuals with ADHD.

I’m sure you can dig up a blog post saying anything. But black and white thinking is not an ADHD symptom or diagnostic criteria. I’m not sure why you are lol‘ing at the DSM while simultaneously trying to say something you think is intelligent about a ADHD.

Just google it. I didn’t make it up.

I’m not going to “just google it.” That’s the whole problem with diagnosis via pop culture.

We’re not even discussing a diagnosis. Black and white thinking isn’t a diagnosis. It’s not part of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD. It’s just a very common thought process among people with ADHD diagnoses, the same as chronic constipation is more prevalent among kids with ADHD, but the presence or absence of chronic constipation doesn’t confirm or rule out an ADHD diagnosis.

Oh please. "Black and white thinking" is typical of every teenager on the planet. It's part of being immature and, you know, a teenager.

OP, this is why you should post on the Special Needs forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She goes to rehab or moves out. She gets 6 months to make significant changes or she is cut off financially.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19 year old DD is now at home acting complete different and wanting to do nothing after she failed her freshman year. DD got diagnosed with ADHD in 10th grade after her grades suddenly slipped significantly and she wasn’t getting her usual A’s. The rest of high school, we tried medication and some therapy for a while, but got her off the medication because she had some bad side effects. So, we mainly had to sit with her to make sure she did her homework, turned it in, and studied for tests which helped. End of senior year, we put DD back on another medication that we thought would help her do well this year, because now that she had to be away for college she needed to manage her school work in her own. We weren’t able to monitor her anymore. We didn’t have access to her grades, so all we knew was what she told us.

She had a great year socially and made many friends, but she has developed a drinking habit. DD came back home in May and started a part-time job for the summer, which has now concluded. She’s currently dating a guy she went to high school with and is a commuter to our local university and now that she is home and without a job, she spends most of the time over at his. DD wants a good future for herself but I’m not aware how she expects that to happen right now. DD doesn’t want to take her medication, refuses to get a new job, and she doesn’t want to do any community college classes to continue her education because she tends to be very perfectionist and was very upset about failing so she believes since she failed out it isn’t worth continuing because she wanted a full 4 year university education. When she is at home, she doesn’t cleans up after herself and does nothing but sleep in and be on her phone.

A lot of times DD comes home really drunk after being at her boyfriends, and she’s a mean drunk, so she gets super disrespectful and calls DH and I names. We have two other teenage DDs ages 17 and 13 and we are afraid she’s setting them a bad example by her behaving like this. We have no issue wi to her living with us as long as she is respectful and is working or in school but right now that isn’t happening so we are not sure where to begin or what to do. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Birth control and therapy, stat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she just wants to get married young and have babies. Have a family. Nothing wrong with that.

No but to be a good partner and mother, she needs education and not he a mean alcoholic college drop out. She also needs a fallback program if she ends up needing or wanting to work at some point.

[Anonymous]

OP - Your DD needs a full mental health evaluation by a psychiatrist who works with
those with alcohol abuse issues. Using alcohol will be very dangerous with some meds she may need to take as seems like she may have
a couple of things going on. A partial day program sounds like a possible option to help her medically and give a structure to her day.

Her health needs to be dealt with before giving her more chances to fail. I would also agree she needs a form of birth control that will work given her lifestyle and another pill to take may not be the answer at this point

The bigger issue is the impact she has also had on her two younger teens. I know as we have three adult daughters who were impacted by the MH issues of the oldest who developed in college. You need to set house rules as mentioned of respect for all and simple tasks at this point in the house.

No coming home drunk needs to be a base line. Also no car use as you can’t really tell what she might be on at this point. Owner of ghe car is liable. Uber would be the way to go for specific purposes until she is stable or the bus etc.

You and DH need some counseling on how to set limits and support her. And to both be on the same page. I have seen a program in your area called TheDorm if you look in Google that might be a starting point to other resources if it is not appropriate. I would say a part-time job before more course work once she was able to be civil at home snd not drunk — if she still was not ready to see medical folks. Less pressure to start on medication snd therapy then classes with grades once again. That can come in time. Our daughter found she coukd sell fine jewelry at a local department store.
Got diagnosed and in therapy snd then started a couple of courses. She was home 9 months and grades were not the issue so not quite as difficult. You set limits with professional help as needed because you have the other girls, especially the 13 year old who can’t get out in a year or do of the chaos. No one would
ask for this.

[Anonymous]

I am in recovery OP.

Your daughter is self-medicating. You have to understand that if her ADHD is not being meaningfully treated, she is operating at a massive dopamine deficit. You know what alcohol does? Dumps massive amounts of dopamine activity in the brain -- she probably feels great because she is drinking.

The dirty trick is that it is a losing situation. She will produce less and then need to drink more to feel well and the cycle is off to the races.

Her behavior is probably linked to this cycle, fwiw. She feels like hell.

But that doesn't excuse the behavior. It gives it context. So, considering this, she really needs help. She needs to get sober safely (like detox), she needs psychiatric support for her ADHD, she needs counseling, and she needs something that she probably lacks...hope. I would be money she feels utterly hopeless and the guy and the booze are probably the main things making her life not utter hell at the moment.

My suggestion is to not enable. Drop the money and funding. This stuff isn't free. Cell phones aren't either. And if she wants those things, she needs to agree to work on her health. That includes medication to stop drinking, therapy, out patient treatment or in patient treatment, etc.

Your other kids are watching how you move here. You need to be calm, strong, and not engage. It is what it is. She failed out of school. Her boyfriend is a dirt bag. She drinks too much. So, now what?

[Anonymous]

OP, she probably feels ashamed and has a deep (likely unarticulated, even to herself) that if she tries she’ll fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in recovery OP.

Your daughter is self-medicating. You have to understand that if her ADHD is not being meaningfully treated, she is operating at a massive dopamine deficit. You know what alcohol does? Dumps massive amounts of dopamine activity in the brain -- she probably feels great because she is drinking.

The dirty trick is that it is a losing situation. She will produce less and then need to drink more to feel well and the cycle is off to the races.

Her behavior is probably linked to this cycle, fwiw. She feels like hell.

But that doesn't excuse the behavior. It gives it context. So, considering this, she really needs help. She needs to get sober safely (like detox), she needs psychiatric support for her ADHD, she needs counseling, and she needs something that she probably lacks...hope. I would be money she feels utterly hopeless and the guy and the booze are probably the main things making her life not utter hell at the moment.

My suggestion is to not enable. Drop the money and funding. This stuff isn't free. Cell phones aren't either. And if she wants those things, she needs to agree to work on her health. That includes medication to stop drinking, therapy, out patient treatment or in patient treatment, etc.

Your other kids are watching how you move here. You need to be calm, strong, and not engage. It is what it is. She failed out of school. Her boyfriend is a dirt bag. She drinks too much. So, now what?

This is great advice OP.

[Anonymous]

My niece failed her first year during COVID and was diagnosed with ADHD. She was a salutorian with a 1500+ SAT but she never did the homework or studied. She took a year off, lived at home, and worked at McDonalds, which her professor parents insisted on as a way to pass the time and to have any spending money. Since then she has returned to college and is set to graduate a couple years later and with a low GPA. With medication and therapy, she was able to return.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a chat with her about her fears of what may happen if she works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19 year old DD is now at home acting complete different and wanting to do nothing after she failed her freshman year. DD got diagnosed with ADHD in 10th grade after her grades suddenly slipped significantly and she wasn’t getting her usual A’s. The rest of high school, we tried medication and some therapy for a while, but got her off the medication because she had some bad side effects. So, we mainly had to sit with her to make sure she did her homework, turned it in, and studied for tests which helped. End of senior year, we put DD back on another medication that we thought would help her do well this year, because now that she had to be away for college she needed to manage her school work in her own. We weren’t able to monitor her anymore. We didn’t have access to her grades, so all we knew was what she told us.

She had a great year socially and made many friends, but she has developed a drinking habit. DD came back home in May and started a part-time job for the summer, which has now concluded. She’s currently dating a guy she went to high school with and is a commuter to our local university and now that she is home and without a job, she spends most of the time over at his. DD wants a good future for herself but I’m not aware how she expects that to happen right now. DD doesn’t want to take her medication, refuses to get a new job, and she doesn’t want to do any community college classes to continue her education because she tends to be very perfectionist and was very upset about failing so she believes since she failed out it isn’t worth continuing because she wanted a full 4 year university education. When she is at home, she doesn’t cleans up after herself and does nothing but sleep in and be on her phone.

A lot of times DD comes home really drunk after being at her boyfriends, and she’s a mean drunk, so she gets super disrespectful and calls DH and I names. We have two other teenage DDs ages 17 and 13 and we are afraid she’s setting them a bad example by her behaving like this. We have no issue wi to her living with us as long as she is respectful and is working or in school but right now that isn’t happening so we are not sure where to begin or what to do. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Hard stop on the drinking. She's 19. Yes, she's an adult, but if she wants to make adult decisions, she can live like an adult. You're clearly enabling her

[Anonymous]

I think she’s self medicating for adhd and ocd. But none of that excuses her behavior. New rules: no phone no car until she attend regular therapy and is in school or working forty hours a week. Chores at home either way. If she says screw you and moves in with her boyfriend she will learn the hard way. She’s an adult now she could kill someone with a dui you can’t keto enabling her behavior.