19yo DD failed her freshman year and now is at home refusing to work or go to school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19 year old DD is now at home acting complete different and wanting to do nothing after she failed her freshman year. DD got diagnosed with ADHD in 10th grade after her grades suddenly slipped significantly and she wasn’t getting her usual A’s. The rest of high school, we tried medication and some therapy for a while, but got her off the medication because she had some bad side effects. So, we mainly had to sit with her to make sure she did her homework, turned it in, and studied for tests which helped. End of senior year, we put DD back on another medication that we thought would help her do well this year, because now that she had to be away for college she needed to manage her school work in her own. We weren’t able to monitor her anymore. We didn’t have access to her grades, so all we knew was what she told us.

She had a great year socially and made many friends, but she has developed a drinking habit. DD came back home in May and started a part-time job for the summer, which has now concluded. She’s currently dating a guy she went to high school with and is a commuter to our local university and now that she is home and without a job, she spends most of the time over at his. DD wants a good future for herself but I’m not aware how she expects that to happen right now. DD doesn’t want to take her medication, refuses to get a new job, and she doesn’t want to do any community college classes to continue her education because she tends to be very perfectionist and was very upset about failing so she believes since she failed out it isn’t worth continuing because she wanted a full 4 year university education. When she is at home, she doesn’t cleans up after herself and does nothing but sleep in and be on her phone.

A lot of times DD comes home really drunk after being at her boyfriends, and she’s a mean drunk, so she gets super disrespectful and calls DH and I names. We have two other teenage DDs ages 17 and 13 and we are afraid she’s setting them a bad example by her behaving like this. We have no issue wi to her living with us as long as she is respectful and is working or in school but right now that isn’t happening so we are not sure where to begin or what to do. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Parenting is hard, but at some point, we have to let go and allow our children to pass or fail. Your daughter is failing, and you are enabling her in her failure by allowing her to enter your home drunk and belligerent. She should never be allowed to disrespect you and your home. Your DH and you need to stand in unity and give her some ground rules that she must follow. The first ground rule is seeking help for her self-medication of her disability. Seek out Al-Anon for you and the family, for there may be resources in which they can direct you for your daughter. Second, she needs a job. She either works or go to school. Since, she has decided CC is not for her, she needs a job, ASAP. GL

[Anonymous]

Don’t do anything more than give her shelter and food. Don’t but her favorites. You can get even more restrictive such as locking up food if she won’t clean up after herself.

But if you haven’t done this yet, I’d offer a short period of therapy to help get her back on track.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, you give her ground rules for being at home, offer to help with rehab/therapy.

If she cannot follow the ground rules and/or refuses rehab/therapy, she will need to plan next steps for her new living situation.

You just need to be prepared that she will likely move in with her boyfriend and crash her life for awhile until and unless she figures it out on her own. You can't save her, and what you are doing now is enabling and unsustainable long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean nothing about failing at life indicated perfectionism to me.

My sibling with ADHD is like this. Either it comes easily and they're the best at it and outshine their peers, or they're the worst and it's not even worth trying if they're just going to be mediocre. Sibling also failed out of their first year of college because of the anxiety and the "why even try if I already screwed something up?" factor, so yeah, it can be self sabotaging.

No magic bullet. Sibling eventually went to community college or worked crappy jobs (basically would get sick enough of one to bounce back to the other each semester), got AA degree after a few years, finished at a good state school mid-20s.

OP's daughter has the alcohol issue on top though. That needs to be dealt with. She's self medicating for depression in a very self destructive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you paying for her phone? Take it away and give her a flip phone until she either:
—goes to rehab
—gets a full time job
—goes to CC full time

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, you give her ground rules for being at home, offer to help with rehab/therapy.

If she cannot follow the ground rules and/or refuses rehab/therapy, she will need to plan next steps for her new living situation.

You just need to be prepared that she will likely move in with her boyfriend and crash her life for awhile until and unless she figures it out on her own. You can't save her, and what you are doing now is enabling and unsustainable long term.

pp here again. FWIW, I have a DS with ADHD and some family members with various issues.

My father (alcoholic and later self-diagnosed with significant ADHD- and there is no doubt) was enabled by his parents and later, some gullible women. He would have benefited from the right kind of help an the right kind of "tough love" much earlier in life.

[Anonymous]

Do you condone a19 year old to drink alcohol? She is underage. You have a parenting problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is one of those weird diagnoses where it sounds like they will solve all the problems but frequently labeling something makes it worse. She seems like she is very anxious and copes with it by being perfectionist and then drinking.

+1 came here to say this. I doubt adhd is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What specialists diagnosed or treated her ADHD? Has she been in therapy since she was diagnosed? CBT is part of the standard treatment plan for kids with ADHD. Have you looked into an executive functioning coach? Did you set up any supports at her college with their office of accessibility?

It’s very common for people with untreated ADHD to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. The first step is get her help to stop drinking. Then she needs to remain in therapy and keep trying appropriate medications while she lives at home with you and learns how to function as an adult. Then you need to find a college program with supports for students with ADHD. She’s very capable, but she will need more help and support than other college students.

ADHD actually does not make you suddenly go from As to failing or refuse to work or come home drunk every night. Something else is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs rehab. Stop paying for all extras for her.

+1
Stop enabling this behavior.

Immediately. Why are you even allowing this behavior in your house. I don't mean to be mean. But no. It stops now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specialists diagnosed or treated her ADHD? Has she been in therapy since she was diagnosed? CBT is part of the standard treatment plan for kids with ADHD. Have you looked into an executive functioning coach? Did you set up any supports at her college with their office of accessibility?

It’s very common for people with untreated ADHD to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. The first step is get her help to stop drinking. Then she needs to remain in therapy and keep trying appropriate medications while she lives at home with you and learns how to function as an adult. Then you need to find a college program with supports for students with ADHD. She’s very capable, but she will need more help and support than other college students.

ADHD actually does not make you suddenly go from As to failing or refuse to work or come home drunk every night. Something else is going on.

Mismanaged ADHD can absolutely cause a kid to flunk their first year of college and then the shame and low self esteem can cause a kid to spiral and drink heavily. She started having academic issues 3 years ago and the solution was for mom and dad to ride her to complete her work. They didn’t go off to college with her though. What was the plan to help her succeed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean nothing about failing at life indicated perfectionism to me.

My sibling with ADHD is like this. Either it comes easily and they're the best at it and outshine their peers, or they're the worst and it's not even worth trying if they're just going to be mediocre. Sibling also failed out of their first year of college because of the anxiety and the "why even try if I already screwed something up?" factor, so yeah, it can be self sabotaging.

No magic bullet. Sibling eventually went to community college or worked crappy jobs (basically would get sick enough of one to bounce back to the other each semester), got AA degree after a few years, finished at a good state school mid-20s.

OP's daughter has the alcohol issue on top though. That needs to be dealt with. She's self medicating for depression in a very self destructive way.

Yes, your sibling has the textbook “black and white” thinking that many people with ADHD have. Everything is incredibly easy or too hard, a triumph or an abysmal failure, the best or the worst. It’s a lifelong struggle to overcome that way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should also post in Kids with Special Needs and Disabilities. Parents there will have firsthand experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specialists diagnosed or treated her ADHD? Has she been in therapy since she was diagnosed? CBT is part of the standard treatment plan for kids with ADHD. Have you looked into an executive functioning coach? Did you set up any supports at her college with their office of accessibility?

It’s very common for people with untreated ADHD to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. The first step is get her help to stop drinking. Then she needs to remain in therapy and keep trying appropriate medications while she lives at home with you and learns how to function as an adult. Then you need to find a college program with supports for students with ADHD. She’s very capable, but she will need more help and support than other college students.

ADHD actually does not make you suddenly go from As to failing or refuse to work or come home drunk every night. Something else is going on.

Mismanaged ADHD can absolutely cause a kid to flunk their first year of college and then the shame and low self esteem can cause a kid to spiral and drink heavily. She started having academic issues 3 years ago and the solution was for mom and dad to ride her to complete her work. They didn’t go off to college with her though. What was the plan to help her succeed?

ADHD is supposed to be present in early childhood - not sudden onset in 10th grade. I get that this is the trend to make this kind of diagnosis but the danger is that is covers up what may actually be the issue - anxiety, depression, personality disorder, some kind of trauma. The idea that ADHD is at the root of all other kinds of challenges is a just-so story, not helpful evaluation. And the only reason we think of it that way is because there is a medication for ADHD (which may make things worse if it is the incorrect medication).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean nothing about failing at life indicated perfectionism to me.

My sibling with ADHD is like this. Either it comes easily and they're the best at it and outshine their peers, or they're the worst and it's not even worth trying if they're just going to be mediocre. Sibling also failed out of their first year of college because of the anxiety and the "why even try if I already screwed something up?" factor, so yeah, it can be self sabotaging.

No magic bullet. Sibling eventually went to community college or worked crappy jobs (basically would get sick enough of one to bounce back to the other each semester), got AA degree after a few years, finished at a good state school mid-20s.

OP's daughter has the alcohol issue on top though. That needs to be dealt with. She's self medicating for depression in a very self destructive way.

Yes, your sibling has the textbook “black and white” thinking that many people with ADHD have. Everything is incredibly easy or too hard, a triumph or an abysmal failure, the best or the worst. It’s a lifelong struggle to overcome that way of thinking.

“Black and white thinking” is in fact not in any textbook describing ADHD. It is however part of the textbook description of BPD, as well as the type of dysfunctional thinking that may underlie depression.