Who regrets getting phone for their child at that 12-13 yr age and wishes they waited?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been teaching DD16 how to drive, so we’ve spent a lot of time in the car together recently. Last weekend, we had a long talk about social media, phones and media exposure more generally.

We raised our kids on a very low-media diet. One TV in the basement, occasional movie nights, no regular watching of TV shows. Older DC got a phone at 13. This DD got one at 11 because of Covid isolation, but did not have any social media until the middle of 9th grade.

She said some of it was hard in the moment, but right now, she appreciates it. She thinks it made her more creative and better at problem-solving, and increased her media literacy and skepticism of claims made online.

As a parent, I think phones for communication in middle school were fine, and I’m glad we stuck to our limits on social media. There’s a lot of evidence that social media does real harm to middle school girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood was amazing - lots of kids running around outside and this one boy, clearly the leader of the group, always building something, experimenting (he built an entire 2 story Igloo when it snowed!). At the beginning of the summer, his parents said they were getting him a phone for his birthday. He's 12 or 13 - one day at the beginning of July, literally overnight, the whole neighborhood vibe changed. Kids stopped hanging out, I rarely saw this kid. He has been inside on his phone since he got it.

At only 12 and 13?? That's a shame, still too young for that. Kids really are growing up quicker.

Didn’t happen. 1 kid getting a phone did not flip the neighborhood culture.

I figured, that sounded a little weird to me.

[Anonymous]

We waited until they finished 8th grade. Both were 14 at that point. No regrets and they weren’t left behind socially, at all. My kids are 15 and 16 and they have both said it was the perfect time, even if they wanted one sooner in moments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe with all the data and social science we have in front of us now people are still considering and defending getting kids this young phones.

It’s a mechanism for control for anxious parents. The kids don’t actually need them. We all know this. Schools can’t even ban them from being brought in because parents lose their mind and feel it is their right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With teens in HS I don’t see any difference between the kids who go it in 6th and the kids who got it in 8th or 9th. Plus most of the kids who didn’t get a phone still had an iPad with iMessage and some of the apps, etc.

In fact some of the parents who “waited” until HS, then let their kids have ALL the apps. We gave our kids phones in MS, but still restrict which apps they can have, as well as screentime and downtime even in HS.

So naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe with all the data and social science we have in front of us now people are still considering and defending getting kids this young phones.

It’s a mechanism for control for anxious parents. The kids don’t actually need them. We all know this. Schools can’t even ban them from being brought in because parents lose their mind and feel it is their right

+1. And the constant need to track their children. It’s a double whammy of harm for the kids’ development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood was amazing - lots of kids running around outside and this one boy, clearly the leader of the group, always building something, experimenting (he built an entire 2 story Igloo when it snowed!). At the beginning of the summer, his parents said they were getting him a phone for his birthday. He's 12 or 13 - one day at the beginning of July, literally overnight, the whole neighborhood vibe changed. Kids stopped hanging out, I rarely saw this kid. He has been inside on his phone since he got it.

At only 12 and 13?? That's a shame, still too young for that. Kids really are growing up quicker.

Didn’t happen. 1 kid getting a phone did not flip the neighborhood culture.

I figured, that sounded a little weird to me.

I actually believe it. Once the first kid in the neighborhood got his, several quickly followed, even by parents I knew pretty well who swore they would wait until middle school. (They started end of 4th, early 5th grade.) We waited until 6th but meanwhile the driveway basketball games and messing around in the woods, neighborhood sledding very quickly stopped. DS would go to a birthday party and say everyone was on their phones the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood was amazing - lots of kids running around outside and this one boy, clearly the leader of the group, always building something, experimenting (he built an entire 2 story Igloo when it snowed!). At the beginning of the summer, his parents said they were getting him a phone for his birthday. He's 12 or 13 - one day at the beginning of July, literally overnight, the whole neighborhood vibe changed. Kids stopped hanging out, I rarely saw this kid. He has been inside on his phone since he got it.

At only 12 and 13?? That's a shame, still too young for that. Kids really are growing up quicker.

Didn’t happen. 1 kid getting a phone did not flip the neighborhood culture.

I figured, that sounded a little weird to me.

I actually believe it. Once the first kid in the neighborhood got his, several quickly followed, even by parents I knew pretty well who swore they would wait until middle school. (They started end of 4th, early 5th grade.) We waited until 6th but meanwhile the driveway basketball games and messing around in the woods, neighborhood sledding very quickly stopped. DS would go to a birthday party and say everyone was on their phones the whole time.

Well thats really a shame, wish parents wouldn't facilitate that. Childhood is short enough as is.

[Anonymous]

You can get them a phone, but also restrict it to 60 min per day, cant bring it to school ect.

Got to finish chores to use it....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can get them a phone, but also restrict it to 60 min per day, cant bring it to school ect.

Got to finish chores to use it....

Yes, there is a lot of nuance between phone and no phone. It depends on the child, on your rules and expectations, how often and how long the child is allowed to access the phone, social media or not, etc.

[Anonymous]

No plans for DC to have a phone until HS.

But as they will be going solo to and from MS and will have after school activities they will have an iwatch which will give me better tracking, I’ll program phone numbers in there and they can see the bus routes.

School will take it at the start of school and give it back which I love. I’ll also set the time it can be one.

Kids should call each other and talk vs text. It’s absurd how parents succumb to things like will they fit in or have friends.

DC has seen up close kids addicted to their phone. We had cousins in town and a 6 and year old couldn’t eat without a phone in front of them, going to theme parks and whole families on their phones not spending time together.

And go see the 10 year old porn thread. You believe you kid can go around your restrictions or they are angels and don’t do those things. We blocked safari, we blocked this.

You gave them the device that can put on another way to get to the web. And I’m sure all those games connected to the web are full of good wholesome people.

[Anonymous]

We got ours one at 13 and I wish we'd waited. She was the last of her friend group to get one though. Literally, the last one in any of her friend groups. Coaches were setting up team chats and she was left out. Kids were setting uo plans and she was left out. I didn't care but I did feel for her. I found it pathetic that kids that young were so obsessed but DH was pressuring me to do it, saying she was gonna be a pariah. I was going to wait until 8th. She was in 7th at the time.

She's going into 9th now and is a total addict. We've locked it down as much as possible. They don't take their eyes off of it, yap all day if you let them.

Hold out if you can, but know that it's a very, very tough thing to do. Set a lot of rules around its use and learn how to lock it down early and often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got DD a phone @ 13 1/2. Child walks to school and takes public transit to meet friends and so the tracking feature is nice. We are in DC and more and more places no longer take cash so we got her a junior checking account through our bank and integrated onto phone, with monthly spending limits for her. Metro card saved on the phone as well.

DD had access to ipad sometimes since the beginning of middle school and it seemed like next logical step in granting her independence and also teaching her money management skills.

We do have limits on apps and allowable screen time imposed with the phone is charged at night in our room.

DD has had weeks away from screens this summer with no issue.

After 7th grade seemed like the right time for our child based on her maturity and track record using other technology.

This makes a lot of sense based on your circumstances. We live in the suburbs and my 12 year old takes the bus/is driven everywhere. For our circumstances, an Apple Watch is the easiest solution - she can text with her friends and call us. We are considering putting Apple Cash on her watch so that she can pay for things once she starts hanging out at the mall/at Starbucks but I don't thinks she needs anything else.

[Anonymous]

Gave a very old flip phone to text us to my kid when they went to MS. No social media was allowed. No accounts.

Also, we told them about catfishing, sexting, laws etc. Watched Screenagers with them. There were a lot of incidents in school where kids were blackmailed or there was other kinds of rule/law breaking that happened. Too much drama. I had a front row seat to it all as I was in PTA. So everything was discussed with my kids.

My kids were not cyberbullied or blackmailed. We knew of people who were. Yes, even on google classroom chats. Too much drama, violence, nudity happens...not only on phone but other devices. You cannot be draconian though. You have to have these long conversations with your kids and that means that you have to be physically present with your kids. Your kids still have to fit into this society but you have to help them to build the discipline and discernment.

[Anonymous]

Gave a very old flip phone to text us to my kid when they went to MS. No social media was allowed. No accounts.

Also, we told them about catfishing, sexting, laws etc. Watched Screenagers with them. There were a lot of incidents in school where kids were blackmailed or there was other kinds of rule/law breaking that happened. Too much drama. I had a front row seat to it all as I was in PTA. So everything was discussed with my kids.

My kids were not cyberbullied or blackmailed. We knew of people who were. Yes, even on google classroom chats. Too much drama, violence, nudity happens...not only on phone but other devices. You cannot be draconian though. You have to have these long conversations with your kids and that means that you have to be physically present with your kids. Your kids still have to fit into this society but you have to help them to build the discipline and discernment.