All Joy and No Fun; Why parents hate parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there "

How do you know?

Because she had a GREAT time! She loved being around her grandparents, loved going out and doing things everyday, loved the food, the people, riding in the back pack carrier, being with her great aunts and uncles and she STILL talks about the beach we went to while we were there whenever I open my computer (I have a photo of the beach as my desk top - just the beach, no people) and it's been almost a year since that trip. I used a straw bag that I got there as a beach bag and she found some random basket of my MIL's and is calling it HER beach bag, packs it up with "stuff" and says she's going to the beach. She knows what a market is, knows what a temple is (Thai temple anyways. . .) who Buddha is and can recognize him in a statue or painting. She talks about wanting to go on an airplane all the time. So yes, I'm pretty sure she has gained a few things from the experience.

I realize not all kids are great travelers, and our next one might be a terrible traveler, but I think she was great and I would do it again tomorrow if we had the time, money, etc.

That's great. Sincerely. But, a 2 yo can have a great time just about anywhere. Everything is still so new to them

We plan to start traveling with our DD overseas soon. We saw no reason to do it before now.

I was answering the question: "How do you know?" (that she got something out of it) and that was my answer. So yes, a 2 yo can have a great time just about anywhere-hence, getting something out of the experience.

Did I mention that we were visiting family? GRANDPARENTS who, by the way, paid for DD's ticket. My parents traveled with us starting at a very young age and we intend to do the same. Getting them used to it early will only make it easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how having a child when you're young-early 20's *could* make you more resentful because you haven't had a chance to live yet. But on the other hand, what if you don't know what you're missing? My friends from high school all married and had kids young - my best friend had her first at 19. None of them had any desire to travel and going to college was an opportunity to meet a husband-sick, I know. I went to high school in a small conservative town and that was the "normal" thing to do. Everyone thought I was nuts to move to Chicago at 18 by myself to go to *gasp* ART SCHOOL!

I am a relatively young mom compared to people in this area - 31 with a 3 yo and one on the way. But I traveled, went to grad school, worked, etc. before having kids so I'm pretty content with where I am. My only regret is not taking 3 months to backpack around the world first But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

Classic.

Sounds like you were the smart kid from the middle of nowhere in the midwest. Went to kollege. Travel while the children are young since they will have lives and events and specific school breaks.

You know nothing about me so how can you make assumptions? I grew up in three different countries, lived in large cities (1 million or more) up until high school (NOT in the midwest), speak two languages fluently, went to a highly regarded international school, two top colleges/Universities for my field, have two Masters degrees, and fully intend to travel with my children until they don't want to anymore. No need to be such an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there

That's cool, I am glad she enjoyed it while she was there. We would love to take DS on trips like that, but he is only 15 months and is so incredibly miserable on airplanes, so I guess we need to wait a bit longer.

No, you just need to start taking him. He (and you) will learn how to do it, that's how it gets easier.

-- Mother of 2 frequent flyers (Europe, Asia, and Middle East)

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there "

How do you know?

Because she had a GREAT time! She loved being around her grandparents, loved going out and doing things everyday, loved the food, the people, riding in the back pack carrier, being with her great aunts and uncles and she STILL talks about the beach we went to while we were there whenever I open my computer (I have a photo of the beach as my desk top - just the beach, no people) and it's been almost a year since that trip. I used a straw bag that I got there as a beach bag and she found some random basket of my MIL's and is calling it HER beach bag, packs it up with "stuff" and says she's going to the beach. She knows what a market is, knows what a temple is (Thai temple anyways. . .) who Buddha is and can recognize him in a statue or painting. She talks about wanting to go on an airplane all the time. So yes, I'm pretty sure she has gained a few things from the experience.

I realize not all kids are great travelers, and our next one might be a terrible traveler, but I think she was great and I would do it again tomorrow if we had the time, money, etc.

That's great. Sincerely. But, a 2 yo can have a great time just about anywhere. Everything is still so new to them

We plan to start traveling with our DD overseas soon. We saw no reason to do it before now.

I was answering the question: "How do you know?" (that she got something out of it) and that was my answer. So yes, a 2 yo can have a great time just about anywhere-hence, getting something out of the experience.

Did I mention that we were visiting family? GRANDPARENTS who, by the way, paid for DD's ticket. My parents traveled with us starting at a very young age and we intend to do the same. Getting them used to it early will only make it easier.

Same with our trip to Italy when DD was 17 months old-grandparents were paying so I wasn't about to turn down a free trip to Italy-and we had FUN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this almost final ppg in the article sums it up for me:
But for many of us, purpose is happiness—particularly those of us who find moment-to-moment happiness a bit elusive to begin with. Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it. (Seligman has seven children.)

While there are many more annoying daily things that happen now that I have children, I am much more profoundly satisfied than I was at age 36 and childless. I wouldn't have said that earlier in life, but by the time I got to my mid-thirties, I felt I'd had all the parties and travel I "needed." I reached the stage where I felt like my (perfectly fine) life was like being on a hamster wheel - ultimately purposeless. Seeking fun was no longer fun for me because the thrill of it has worn off. I knew I wanted a family so that I would lead a purposeful life. My sister, on the other hand, has found a purposeful life without children, and that's great for her. She has a very full life, more than I ever had before kids. I know myself, however, and I would never have reached the level of satisfaction she has without a family.

I could have written this myself. Totally agree. I look back at my 36 when I was childless and I felt that something was missing. Now, at 43 and with two beautiful girls, I feel a sense of completion and happier overall with my life. Would not change it for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say: I have SO much fun with my kids. We are older, 43 and 44 with a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. I would like to think you would not guess my age if you saw me. I feel certain if you saw me dancing to the Grateful Dead in my kitchen with a crazy hat on laughing my heads off with my kids you would never guess my age. The most fun I have parenting is in those small spots in time between the schedule and the to-do list's when we are just hanging out. Our kids make me laugh. I make them laugh. It's fun. It's also hard. And we are strict, we are not doing the "we're best friends" thing...we are clearly the parents, but good lord, it's fun to be silly, and I'm proud to report we do it at least once a day. I'm also a neurologist, and I will admit to being mortified running into patients or colleagues when we are out and I'm laughing away or doing silly dances in the Wegman aisles with my kids....yup, that was me.

C'est la vie. Life is short. So yup, having kids increased the purpose of my life, but it actually added a different kind of fun as well.

This is so nice! Nicest post I've seen on this subject yet.

[Anonymous]

agree w the pp on the post.

I had first one at 35 and another on the way 2+ years later. So far, I have pretty much loved every minute of it. I feel like i got to do a lot pre-kids - including getting more set in my career so life can be a bit more flexible now. if i had kids younger, i probably would've been anxious about what would come etc.

i do think though it has been a bit of a damper on my career and think it is a bit discouraging that so many of the women at the very top are childless. But i don't relate to the article at all. It's been a blast.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it is hard to say what I think of "parenting" overall. Having a baby/toddler is a little hard, because we can't interact beyond a certain level, given DS's inability to talk/communicate. I love him, and he is an adorable baby, but it is incredibly hard work, given his very limited attention span and absolute inability to do anything for himself. He threw up last night, and it was absolutely terrifying to think that if I wasn't there to change him and clean him off, he would just sit there in his vomit crying - he's completely helpless. I know that as he gets older, there will be different types of challenges, but I am looking forward to him gaining independence, new abilities, and opinions. I am also looking forward to being able to do more things with him that we will both enjoy - going camping, riding bikes, me reading chapter books to him etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

I say total BS on this. I'll share with my daughter (and son) other role models, such as Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, to name just two. And this is from someone who has found parenting much harder than I ever expected. I recommend you seek help if this is truly how you feel, because it's damaging to your children and you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting read. How many of us who had children later in life agree about the bit that says we are less happy once we have kids because we gave up more to have them?

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

I'm less happy because DH has became more selfish & lazy since we became parents.

Same here. very selfish, all about his "me"time.

[Anonymous]

Well, I do think it is hard. I think the "prison" poster probably has 2 under 2. Those early, "in the trenches" years are so hard----you are still learning how to be a parent, your marriage is re-adjusting, your personality is trying to find balance.

BUT....I have a good friend who cried every day for 2 years when she SAH with her 2. And she tells me, for her, it got better every single day. She did not love the baby years, but elementary and even high school---she is having a blast.

Just like teachers don't specialize in every age, I think it is natural that different personality parents find different ages more fun or enjoyable. Heck, a good friend of mine is really enjoying getting to know her mom again in a new way as a 90 year old! (she is 65). I just think parenting is a journey and sometimes you get a lot of turbulence, other times you will soar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting read. How many of us who had children later in life agree about the bit that says we are less happy once we have kids because we gave up more to have them?

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

I'm less happy because DH has became more selfish & lazy since we became parents.

Agree. It's not the kids that make me less happy, it's the lack of input from husband.

[Anonymous]

I agree somewhat. I do feel like I gave up a LOT to have my daughter. I gave up a challenging career I enjoyed to take a family-friendly job that bores me. I gave up about $25K in income, and spend a lot more of my disposable income on daycare, etc. I gave up a very good social life, and I gave up a lot of interests like classical concerts, art exhibits, etc. I gave up the ability to travel much. I gave up the ability to live wherever I want without having to worry about schools. And I've given up an additional 1.5 hour a day to commuting now that the daycare dropoff/pickup is involved. I gave up marathoning, golf, yoga classes, and my pre-baby body. It can be hard sometimes to adjust to huge life changes later in your 30's; I think it might have been easier for me to have my daughter in my late 20's.

I love my daughter like crazy. I wouldn't trade her for anything. Some days I can't believe how lucky I am to have her. And it is cool to see parts of myself in her, even if some of those parts are the bad parts of me! (willfulness, stubbornness, giant hands.) But when she's being a holy terror (she's two), I sometimes wonder what the F I was smoking to think I was ready to have a kid on my own.

Some of my friends who had kids in their early 20's do feel like they missed out. But in my experience, that's more likely the case if they're divorced now and wondering "what could have been" about their marriage, not just their kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree somewhat. I do feel like I gave up a LOT to have my daughter. I gave up a challenging career I enjoyed to take a family-friendly job that bores me. I gave up about $25K in income, and spend a lot more of my disposable income on daycare, etc. I gave up a very good social life, and I gave up a lot of interests like classical concerts, art exhibits, etc. I gave up the ability to travel much.

I can really relate to you, especially the part about giving up a challenging career for a family friendly boring job (although my job pays the same, it is dull and unsatisfying, whereas my prior one was exciting and a challenge). I don't know if and when I will be able to get back on a career track I enjoy more. As for concerts, art exhibits, travel, I view this as a more temporary giving up. I hope when DS gets a little older, he can enjoy those things with me.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Adequate Parent at 12:48.

Having kids really threw me for a loop (undiagnosed PPD with my first, bullheaded insistence on sticking with a job situation that wasn't working for me or the family) but I am an absolutely joyful mom of older kids. I just don't care for the 0 to 5 years very much.