All Joy and No Fun; Why parents hate parenting.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel like kids have stopped me from anything besides having regular manicures -- because, really, with twin 18 mo olds, what's the point?

I look forward to doing a lot of those travelling things with them. We've always wanted to go to Japan - it will be awesome to do that with them when they are older. One of the projects we can't wait to do with them is a 'plan your vacation!' They pick the place, figure out how much it will cost, we'll save for it and go! It will be excellent. Then, when they are out on their own, DH and I will go and do things without them and that will be equally wonderful. I just see this as a natural progression in life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting read. How many of us who had children later in life agree about the bit that says we are less happy once we have kids because we gave up more to have them?

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

So interesting. I don't feel that way at all.

By the time we had DC#1 at ages 36 (me) and 38 (DH), we felt so completely ready. We both had enjoyed the hell out of the previous 15 or so years since college -- built very rewarding careers, had extraordinary travel experiences (independently and together), and plenty of wild adventures (dating, partying, going out etc.) -- so settling down and having children together seemed like the perfect next step. And it has been!

We honestly feel like we haven't given up anything. Sure, life is more full and complicated at times. But we have no regrets and neither of us feels like we're missing out on anything other than uninterruped sleep and three hour blocks of time to do NOTHING. But soon enough the kids will be older and a bit more independent, and even those things will come back.

I'm sure there are others who may feel differently, but I know myself well enough to know that if I had chosen to have children in my twenties, I would likely now be a bit restless and wondering "what could have been" professionally and personally had I waited. As a later-in-lfe parent, I don't feel that way at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how having a child when you're young-early 20's *could* make you more resentful because you haven't had a chance to live yet. But on the other hand, what if you don't know what you're missing? My friends from high school all married and had kids young - my best friend had her first at 19. None of them had any desire to travel and going to college was an opportunity to meet a husband-sick, I know. I went to high school in a small conservative town and that was the "normal" thing to do. Everyone thought I was nuts to move to Chicago at 18 by myself to go to *gasp* ART SCHOOL!

I am a relatively young mom compared to people in this area - 31 with a 3 yo and one on the way. But I traveled, went to grad school, worked, etc. before having kids so I'm pretty content with where I am. My only regret is not taking 3 months to backpack around the world first But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

Classic.

Why the eye rolling? Because you're jealous? Because you don't think we'll actually do it? I don't get it. . .

[Anonymous]

I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

[Anonymous]

corr - you find out you are the indentured servant of little ones while DH is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

Oh, honey. If this post is sincere, please...get thee to a therapist. Yesterday. If not sooner.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I have given up a lot to have my son, but so has my husband. He does more than 50% of the housework, more like 80%, and we split the child duties 50-50, so overall, I think I came out ok.

[Anonymous]

But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

I'm not the eye roll person, but I assume it might be because upon first reading this, I envisoned some tired cranky baby in a bjorn being dragged on an adventure vacation. I know really you mean "drag" them when they are ready to go and get something out of it, but upon first read, the other image came up.

[Anonymous]

Why must I hie me to a therapist? Childrearing is not fulfilling for everyone. I love my kids and would still prefer to be doing other things most of the time I am with them. If I were rich I would have two nannies on duty 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why must I hie me to a therapist? Childrearing is not fulfilling for everyone. I love my kids and would still prefer to be doing other things most of the time I am with them. If I were rich I would have two nannies on duty 24/7.

Reread your post. As many times as necessary.

[Anonymous]

I am 36 and my husband is 46 and we have a one year old. I can only find positives to having our son and it is all joy and we love parenting. We can't imagine our life without our son and if we had to do it again we would in a heartbeat. He is so much fun and an absolute joy.

My husband had his first set of kids at 18 - he did not have fun at all with raising them and found having three little ones that young exhausting and it was hard given they weren't as financially stable and such.

I never thought I'd like staying home with my son either - but I lost my job due to having him - nice huh - and love it. I have more patience, my personality has completely changed as he brings out so much joy and I am so much more relaxed. He goes everywhere with me. We had our first "date" for our anniv. last night and our neighbors watched him. Our family who promised to help - never does. He goes out to dinner with us and pretty much everywhere and loves it - he waves bye to the house when we leave.

Everyone takes to parenting and parenthood differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

I'm not the eye roll person, but I assume it might be because upon first reading this, I envisoned some tired cranky baby in a bjorn being dragged on an adventure vacation. I know really you mean "drag" them when they are ready to go and get something out of it, but upon first read, the other image came up.

Well, yes, of course! Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there Also, I think getting them used to traveling early will make it easier later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

This is really, really sad. How old are your kids? I am sure you are already sending a message to them. (Not to guilt trip you; you sound miserable enough.)

If you're being honest, here's my anonymous advice: not everybody feels as shitty as you do, so you shouldn't have to either. Get some counseling or a vacation alone or something!

[Anonymous]

AdequateParent wrote:Two other hypotheses to throw into the mix:

(1) Many people who wait until they are older have built a life around their careers, and have set standards for "meaningful" and "productive" that are based upon what they had in the work world.

(2) Some people (me!) who waited to have children did so because they were never sure about whether to have children at all. If you've never romanticized having a baby and never believed that life without one would be incomplete, the dull and taxing times could be worse for you.

I notice that articles like this seem to focus on parenting very small children and I think that it's a mistake. Someone who feels cagey and depressed about being alone with their infant all day could be a joyous parent of an elementary school child. Considering that our kids will go through K-12 and then maybe college on our dime and with our guidance, that focus seems to be skewed.

Yes. DH and I fall into the #2 category. I totally saw a life without kids. I used to patrol the 'childfree by choice' websites. People were amazed we felt this way--esp because I really liked kids. I just didn't want one of my own for the longest time. We used to think of every worst case scenario...I used to say 'sometimes you just get a lemon' or "you can't give them back like you could a puppy', etc. After 7 years of marriage I changed my tune and really started wanting my own kids---BUT I knew it could be hellish at times. It was being able to accept the good, the bad and the ugly that pushed me over the edge. The idea that I could still love "the lemon". The crazy part was how much I completely underestimated how wonderful it could be. I now have 2 and loving every minute of it! I even find the 2.5 year old temper tantrums adorable.

I think there is a whole group of parents out there (of all ages) that never really thought through the concept of having kids. They had children because their parents expected it, society expected it, their partner expected it, they couldn't think outside of the box, they had an accident, etc. There are also the people thatchose to have kids solely out of the "fear of regret" later in life. Perhaps--if these ppl analzyed it they may have come to the decisionbeiing a parent wasn't for them. I am of the belief that no good decision comes out of avodiding 'future regrets'--whether it be marriage, kids, etc. There should be no settling.

[Anonymous]

Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there

That's cool, I am glad she enjoyed it while she was there. We would love to take DS on trips like that, but he is only 15 months and is so incredibly miserable on airplanes, so I guess we need to wait a bit longer.